To not want to give away half my money?

[givemeareason]

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

[RumNoRaisins]

thenapoleon would you have thrown a strop if your DH has wanted to protect his deposit? I think the OP's partner's reaction is the most worrying bit about this, rather than the decision itself. He has already thought about the potential financial gain from a split with the OP. Also, you got married to your husband, that in itself means assets will usually be split equally anyway, which isn't the case here.

[slithytove]

The way I would look at it is, how would it work if the deposit belonged to a third party?

My parents loaned us our deposit. Rather than owe them the equivalent house percentage when we sell (20%) we have a legal agreement that they get their original deposit back plus a pre agreed level of interest.

DH and I will split any remaining equity as we paid into the mortgage as married equals (even though our payments were not equal).

Could you do something like this? Rather than you owning a higher equity percentage? This way the £200k is ring fenced and any remaining equity is split.

[YourHandInMyHand]

YANBU.

Don't do this unless there is a rock solid legal way of protecting your hard earned savings.

[BringMeSunshine2014]

Some people are naive - it really doesn't matter if you believe your relationship is forever or not. Life happens. Do some of you really think the couples that split up wanted that in the beginning? FGS.

It would be absolute stupidity to put 200k into a joint pot with someone already calculating their share of it should you split. On top of the fact that the OP has saved this all by herself and it is hers she now has a DD to consider. This money would give her and her DD a lot of security and freedom should he walk out on them. Absolute stupidity to think otherwise or say 'if she loved him she would do it'.

[Snapespotions]

I'm really interested by the responses on this thread. I can't help wondering if a man posting the OP might have got more mixed responses.

I would not want to have children with someone where there was so little trust in the relationship. My DH had a much bigger deposit to put down on our house than I was able to contribute - he was a bit older than me, and he is much more of a saver. We both put in what we could afford at the time. I have since paid far more in mortgage payments than he has, so I figure it has probably evened out over time, but I don't know.

We still have separate bank accounts, but ultimately we're a family - what's mine is his and what's his is mine.

[PPaka]

I bought a house with a friend
I had deposit, she didn't
When we sold up, I got the deposit back and we split the rest.
Just do that

[MysteriousCircusZebra]

I put far more into the house than my dp did. He was happy for the house to be held in unequal shares. If he hadn't been, then I wouldn't have trusted him.

[catkind]

If your DH wants to equally own the house, could he pay the mortgage (or most of it)? Not sure how that would work formally though. We did something like that informally between us but the amounts of money involved and the difference in input were much smaller.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

No not naive, realistic.

You have to believe in a relationship being forever, for it to stand a chance of being.

You have to be able to say, this is good enough and throw all your eggs in the basket and go for it.

It might not work, but if you keep looking kver your shoulder and making contingency plans, it certainly won't.

[TobyZiegler]

I'm really interested by the responses on this thread. I can't help wondering if a man posting the OP might have got more mixed responses
Snape it would have been totally the opposite view. :). But that's MN for you.

[Mitzi50]

Could you buy the house as Tenants in Common with a specified share?

[TheCraicDealer]

I don't know if the answers would be different if the genders were reversed tbh. DP and I were thinking of buying a house last year- he had 100k, I had 25k. There's never been any doubt in my mind that if we did split up I'd be walking away with my much smaller chunk, plus a proportion of the equity. Because that's all I'm entitled to, unless there's a long period of being at home with children or whatever.

Back the fuck away from this fella economically OP.

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

Oh OP please listen to me. I was in exactly your position, I had the large deposit for our 'joint' property XP had none. I loved him and trusted him and thought he had integrity and was a decent guy. Cut to 10 years later - I ended up giving him half of a property and half my substantial deposit!

I didn't listen to my solicitor, my parents or my head. I so wish I had. Giving that bastard half my children's inheritance wounds me to this day. I still hope Karma gets him.

Protect your hard earned money, I wish I had.

[Stripyhoglets]

what castlemilk said. yes he is being entitled. very entitled. its not even like you have said the house must only be in your name. You just want to protect your original 200k.

[RumNoRaisins]

snape if a man had posted I would have said exactly the same thing as I did to the OP. I don't see how gender makes a difference given the circumstances (3 year relationships, neither a SAHP).

[Permanentlyexhausted]

I was in this situation when DH and I bought our house. We weren't married and I had a very large deposit to put down and he didn't. We got legal advice and, I forget the exact term, but the house is held in unequal shares. I had 2 choices - protect the amount I put in, or protect the percentage. I chose the latter. It was a risk for the first few years as I would only have had a percentage of my deposit back but as the years have passed and house prices have increased, it looks more like an investment.

I have never checked but afaik our having later got married does not affect this agreement. Not that it matters so much 12 years down the line.

[BringMeSunshine2014]

Elephants - you have to put your heart into it 100%, not cash. If it's forever it doesn't matter whose name the 200k is in does it, so it being in hers is fine :)

snapes - it probably would have been a bit different, but in the same vein I can't see many blokes posting they'd saved up hard so that they could have security when they had a child and be comfortable when they were off work bringing the child up.

The OP has saved hard to put herself into a good position for when she has a child, so she can be home with the child and provide security for them both. The OP's DP hasn't done that... he just wants to effectively take 100k off of her should they split up. No way.

[BakerStreetSaxRift]

I can't help but think what the responses would be to a woman posting on here saying "my DH earns way more than me, we have DC, I have no savings, he has loads, but he won't put the house and equity equally in both our names"

In fact, I'm sure I've read that thread on here many times and it got very different answers

[Solasum]

Why is he feeling 'hard done by' at all? Was there a reason he could not have saved during his twenties?

[ChelsyHandy]

Snape I'm really interested by the responses on this thread. I can't help wondering if a man posting the OP might have got more mixed responses.

Personally, I think much the same of both sexes who demand half ownership when one party pays so much more. There was a recurring thread from a female poster complaining about her DP because he refused to add her to the title deeds in a similar scenario. Views were mixed.

My view is that in a loving relationship, I wouldn't expect my partner to feel entitled to this, and would actually expect them to do everything possible to show me they weren't interested in my money or property by declining any ownership in it at all. I wouldn't expect them to feel disadvantaged by doing this, because I would expect them to have their own career and ability to save or buy their own property, which they might rent out.

I don't like the signs here OP, and I don't think you do either. I suspect you won't add him to the title deeds and he will have some kind of tantrum. Stick to your guns.

Its surprising, when its mainly women the term golddigger was coined for, how many men "find" themselves in this position. I can think of about 6 without really trying. Funnily enough I was talking (or being told...) about a similar situation by a tradesman recently. His brother's girlfriend (who was a controlling bitch who had taken him away from the family apparently) refused to add him to the title deeds of her house, even though he paid his share of the bills towards the mortgage! Apparently he was being taken for a ride and he was going to leave her if she didn't agree to this. I have never heard such claptrap in all my life, but the scary thing was that he actually believed it. As if the pair of them had somehow persuaded themselves that, in the absence of bothering to save up a deposit themselves and buy their own property, they were somehow entitled to the same by virtue of having a girlfriend who was a homeowner.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

I think you should buy the property outright in your own name. Alone.

[firstchoice]

Don't do it.
Really don't.

Everything Castlemilk said upthread is utter sense and you need to take it on board.

Ringfence your child's inheritance.

[angeltulips]

I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed

But then I am not generally encouraging of relationships where both parties don't retain financial independence

And don't encourage long term sahm/d-ing for exactly that reason

Regardless, this is not a situation where OPs partner had given up a career to raise their child etc etc. they are coming together as adults, there's no reason to gift him a windfall - at least at this juncture

[KenAdams]

Well it's either a ring fenced deposit or you purchase alone. Those are his choices. Equal ownership isn't an option. Just tell him that.

[dollius]

Baker Street, this is not the same thing at all.

If the DP had sacrificed his career and earning potential to stay at home and raise the kids, then fine, I would agree. But he hasn't. In fact it is OP who does most of the childcare and who took time off work to have her DC.

Your scenario does not apply at all here.

This has nothing to do with whether they are married or not and everything to do with who has sacrificed the most to have children.