To not want to give away half my money?

[givemeareason]

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

[Permanentlyexhausted]

I agonised over the trust issue when we discussed our agreement. But in the end it came down to this - if he was trustworthy (i.e. he had no intention to either leave me or gain financially) then he would have nothing to lose by signing the agreement.

[givemeareason]

I will tell him that I will absolutely be ring fencing my deposit. If he doesn't like it well I guess he isn't the great guy he makes himself out to be.

I am not jeopardising mine or my wonderful DDs security if one day he decides to up an leave, and god forbid for another woman. No - if he doesn't like it, tough luck for him. I am usually too soft and trusting for my own good.

I'm glad I sought outside opinion for this, as I can see things a lot clearer now.

[VinoTime]

Yes, he owns less of the house if you split and sell. That's because he didn't contribute to the deposit. Is he under some deluded impression that people just get houses for free these days?

Stick to your guns OP. Tell him you're happy to put the deposit down, so long as you get a solicitor to draw up the official paperwork stipulating that the first 200K is yours, and anything over and above that is split between you equally. If he's going to be a child about it, then perhaps reconsider who it is you're planning the rest of your life with.

There's another word for entitled. It's called being a brat.

[Jollyphonics]

I agree with most other people OP. Don't sign away half of this money.

I bought a house with my DP, he put in 80k deposit and I put in 15k.

We had an agreement that if we split he would get 80, I'd get 15, and whatever equity was left we'd split it between us. That seemed like a perfectly reasonable plan, I had no problem with it.

Sure enough we split, and divided the money as we'd planned. Straightforward and simple.

Your DP is being unreasonable. He gets to live in a much nicer house than he could afford if he was with someone who hadn't saved loads of money, so he really benefits from your past frugality. If you stay together for ever then he's still got a lovely house to live in. If you split, then he's no worse off than he was to start with. In fact, he might even be better off if he takes a few lessons from you on how to save! It's win-win for him.

[Eva50]

I think you should buy the property outright in your own name. Alone.

^ this ^

And that's from someone who has been married for 22 years and jointly own our house.

[BringMeSunshine2014]

Good decision.

While you are thinking about your financial situation - are you happy with the day to day way your expenses are shared/covered?

You aren't using your savings to 'prop up' being at home with DD while he does as he pleases with his wages are you? If you are at home with DD he should be covering the bills and providing for you all. It would cost him  if you put her in childcare.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

How about this man financial security.

The OP holds all the cards here and by the sounds of it can afford this lifestyle on her own.

what if the OP decides the relationship is over, she has shown this man this lifestyle and it could end at anytime.

this thread seems to be a total different response to a very similar thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2160668-DH-controlling-finances-is-it-fair

[Jollyphonics]

I quickly glanced at that other thread, but the difference is that the woman in that thread had given up work, presumably a joint decision, to do the childcare. In this thread that hasn't happened. OP has been on mat leave since the baby was born.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2160499-To-think-this-financial-arrangement-is-unfair

sorry wrong link on PP

[slithytove]

Yes, let's not forget that without YOUR money, your partner would not be able to get a mortgage, would be stuck in the rental trap, and would not have any equity in x amount of years.

Why doesn't he realise that? You don't have to buy a house with him.

[StatisticallyChallenged]

The other thread is a totally different situation! They're married, and she's a SAHM who is living on a tiny amount of money week to week because her DH is financially abusive.

It's not even vaguely similar. Nice try though!

[dollius]

FFS ICanSee, that is a completely different situation. In that scenario the DW has no earning power so cannot save/plan for herself. In this one, the DP has not sacrificed anything to have their child and is perfectly capable of saving for himself.

[OccamsRaiser]

When DH and I purchased our house, we went for tenants-in-common, split 70:30 to me, despite being married and having one child (with another on the way). There were a few reasons for this...

1. Almost 95% of the deposit was mine, as I'd been working in a well-paid industry for over a decade, saving what I could.
   

1. I was also in the process of selling my other property, with the proceeds to be held in an offset account.
   

1. I have been married and divorced before (no DC, thank god) and was somewhat wary about being able to provide for my children in the event of my death - I've heard too many stories of the partner remarrying, leaving it to the new spouse and kids ending up with nothing. At least this way I can will my part of the house to DCs unequivocally.
   

1. Although our money is pooled, in terms of contributing, it's approx 60:40 on the mortgage (given current mat leave) so as time goes on, the 70:30 seemed a more appropriate level, given the initial starting point. Yes, there's a risk that if we split in the next few years, I'll "lose" a little more than I might have otherwise, but I do really want this to continue to grow and flourish
   

BTW, DH had no problem with any of this, he understood that it's not a lack of faith in the marriage, just a means of being practical over the long-term!

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Bigger houses have bigger bills, Gas electric council tax home insurance and other bills.

bigger the bills the more the partner will have to pay. Making saving a lot harder.

TBH i don't think they should buy a house together. If i came into 200K i wouldnt batter an eye with buying a house and putting both names on the deeds.

Just out of intrest, what would happen is the house went into a situation where the house was worth less than 200k

[Jollyphonics]

OP hasn't "come into" 200k, she's worked had and saved it over years. Totally different.

[Jollyphonics]

Had = hard

[slithytove]

Ican - thanks to the OP, her partner can pay into a mortgage so that his money is hopefully accumulating in equity.

Without her, he would be paying someone else's mortgage.

No one is forcing him to take on a mortgage with her.

[BlinkAndMiss]

I haven't read the whole thread - sorry I hate it when people do this but it's late! I wanted to add a comment from the other perspective. DH and I haven't been married long but we both owned properties before we met, DH was worth significantly more than mine. I moved in with him and then we bought a house and moved into our family home together, we sold DH's house to do this.

DH had a lot more money than me, his house sold for a lot more than mine ever would and he had loads of equity. Because of this I insisted that my name did not appear on the mortgage and that we drew up an agreement whereby if we were to split we would leave with the percentage that we contributed. In effect, I contributed nothing so I I leave with just that. I do contribute to the household bills and I pay for childcare, but DH does pay more of a contribution to bills from his wage than I do. The bottom line for me was that DH could afford to live in our family home, paying the bills and childcare for our DS, without me. I could not, I could never have afforded our house unless I was with DH.

If we were to split then I would walk away with much less than him, but he contributed much more in the first place and this agreement was instigated by me. I suppose the difference in myself and the OP's partner is that I already have the security of owning my own property elsewhere and I am married to my DH.

My point is that if your DP is truly respectful of you then he would be making a suggestion similar to this. If he's a freeloader then he's going to get uptight about walking way with less if you split. And, I'm sorry to add, but if he's getting uptight about it then it sounds like this might be in his plan, I don't understand why he'd be getting upset about it if he had no intention of allowing the relationship to break down? Just a thought.

[Sister77]

Haven't read the full thread (but will). Please don't do it. My friend has recently had massive problems. She received an inheritance which she paid of a massive chunk of her mortgage with. She then decided to marry her dp.
they have 3 DC and were enjoying a fab life. He had a mid life crisis and jacked in his Job and got a "ladybird".
She had ring fenced her contribution to the mortgage but the judge decreed that it was a major marital asset and husband was entitled to 50% of property.
She had paid of Fuckface and waived any right to maintenance but it has been awful.
She never expected this from the man she married. None if us did, he was one of the best and we're all bewildered by it. He doesn't wish to see the kids and money is motivating his every movement. So sad

[Castlemilk]

Do you know, OP, he won't like it... and when he sees that you won't back down, I predict that he will very quickly turn round and start saying fair enough, good idea, your security etc. Because... he knows full well he's onto a great wicket simply by getting to pay into and benefit from house buying with you at all! I don't think he'll push too hard and risk you telling him it's off. On his own, he probably wouldn't be able to get a mortgage at all - let alone start at the level he will with you.

No. He won't jeopardise that. He will, however, very likely propose within a year. If he does, think very hard indeed whether you want to accept that

What I really want to say is, given what you've said about him so far - think very hard about whether you want to buy a house with him AT ALL. But perhaps that is unfair. But - just listen to your gut. I think you are already and are getting the measure of him - 'stupidly I thought it would make him feel less hard done by, getting to live in a nice house, paying a small mortgage and gaining equity. But no that isn't enough.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Another option is that you pretend the money doesn't exist. You buy a (probably cheaper) house with a big mortgage and little to no deposit and are completely equal in it. Your deposit sits in an account in your name quietly gaining (admittedly teeny amounts of) interest.

It's not the best thing from a financial point of view but if it is that your partner genuinely doesn't like the idea of things not being equal then this is a solution. You put equal (ie nothing) in. You take equal out.

[BumpNGrind]

I was in a similar position with my DP (now DH) when we bought our house, but with smaller figures and a smaller ratio difference. DH didn't like the thought of me owning 70% of our house and felt it would mean that I had deciding votes on things in the house which he may like an equal say on. It was a fair point and so we decided to go down the route of a 50/50 deposit, with me keeping the rest of my money in a bank account. Yes our mortgage is larger than it could have been, but we are both comfortable and felt like equals and partners in our lives together.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

i think that is the sensible thing, get a house where you both can have 50/50 in.

[MexicanSpringtime]

He sounds very entitled to me, frankly, and yes, re. the discussion gender difference ICanSeeTheSun, you are comparing apples and oranges. One is about a SAHM and her children going without while her husband gives himself the treats he desires, whereas this one is about someone who made a lot of sacrifices to get a nest egg being asked to hand half of it over to her partner. There is no mention of her DP and child going without while she has a whale of a time.

You have a responsability to your child OP, to look after your nest egg and their future home. Maybe I'm old fashioned but instead of looking to provide for you and your child, he seems to see you as a way to an easy life.

[darksideofthemooncup]

Trust your instincts and protect your money.