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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give away half my money?

520 replies

givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:09

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

OP posts:
CookieMonsterIsHot · 26/08/2014 15:26

Good for you!

Has the lazy entitled fucker fucked off yet?

rainbowinmyroom · 26/08/2014 15:33

You invested £40k in a car, Siarie?

zoemaguire · 26/08/2014 15:52

'Invested' should probably be in inverted commas, given the usual depreciation of new cars:)

Zucker · 26/08/2014 15:52

So father of the year couldn't be arsed to turn up when the baby was being registered ha ha haaaaaaa. God he's a twat. If he threatens to harm himself inform him you're calling the emergency services and then cheery bye pal.

Rooners · 26/08/2014 16:00

If you pay the rent is the tenancy in your name? If it is then yes you can ask the police to remove him. If his name is on the tenancy then it may be more difficult.

Rooners · 26/08/2014 16:03

Oh and I meant to say, yes he will posture about having access to dd, and then when it happens he will fuck you about by not turning up or being late etc etc.

He doesn't like the reality of childcare, by the sounds of it, or at least not when he has to be responsible and act like a grown up.

I would recommend taking the path of least resistance because blokes like this love a fight. So if he asks for access, as long as you feel it is safe to let him take her, agree to it - once she is old enough to not be scared or worried about being away from you - and watch him fail to commit.

He has no PR so you don't have to allow him any access anyway, and can withdraw it at any time.

He can apply for PR but won't bother unless he thinks he can win an argument by doing so so I'd advise being very boring about the whole thing. He will lose interest at some point I think.

FishWithABicycle · 26/08/2014 16:25

Well done OP - your daughter is amazingly lucky to have such a strong, sensible mum. I can see that today is being grim but you'll get through it and brighter happier days are coming very soon.

ssd · 26/08/2014 16:46

bloody hell op!!

he's been coughing up blood and been violently sick!!

is he still alive?

yeah?

pity......Grin

SolidGoldBrass · 26/08/2014 17:01

If he won't go, it's fine to call the police and have him removed. When he's gone, get in touch with the CSA andget that set in motion. He probably won't pay anything and may well disappear, though you might have to put up with a certain amount of threats and wailing before he goes.
Treat everything he does with polite, mildly amused indifference - set up a gmail/hotmail account for yourself and instruct him that this is the only contact acceptable and it's only to be used for discussing DD.
This man is maniuplative, dishonest and unpleasant. Don't feel remotely guilty about throwing him out and dumping him and don't feel any need to be anhting other than civil to him. He will probably find another woman to leech off fairly soon anyway and you will be shot of him completely.
Oh, if he does stick around long enough to have scheduled contact time with DD don't let it take place in your house. Don't let him set a foot over the threshold.

ssd · 26/08/2014 17:13

I don't think he'll push for a lot of contact, op

if he thinks your life is easy looking after a baby and getting up 4 times a night, he's not got a clue, has he?

a couple of weekends with dd by himself and he'll start the excuses.....

wheresthebeach · 26/08/2014 17:16

Well done OP. Sounds a right drama queen - the more you argue the more hysterical he will get. Solid is right - mildly amused indifference is the only way to go.
Stay strong - although I know it's not easy. I do think life will be much easier with him elsewhere.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/08/2014 18:26

How are things this evening , hope all is as well as can be expected and he's left with little stress for you.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 26/08/2014 19:39

Excellent news OP.

DD has a friend whose bio dad is known simply as "the donor". Her real Dad is her stepfather. Here's hoping for you both.

satsumasunrise · 26/08/2014 21:31

Hope all is well op.

Frustrated101 · 27/08/2014 00:25

I didn't read the full thread (it was already pretty long and I didnt have time just at that moment but planned on coming back to it which i did. I do have a life you know) and although in normal circumstances I stand by what I wrote at the time, seems your DP is just a knob.

Well done for telling him to leave. I hope he has now.

FishWithABicycle · 27/08/2014 07:34

I do hope you are waking up this morning to a joyfully git-free house OP.

ITrulyMoustache · 27/08/2014 07:42

I find threads like this quite amusing in his they show how different all manner of people view financial arrangements.

When then dp and I bought out first house together I had nothing to my name but he put in a very decent deposit. I asked him to ring fence it as it equated to about a third of the total value of our home. Dp said no, at that time I was expecting dc1 and he felt that it was about looking after the kids future rather than ours.

He also sort of felt that the money wasn't his anyway, it was a combination of inheritance and equity from his first home so he hadn't earned it. I asked him in the light of this thread would he have done it differently and he did say he would have ring-fence that amount of money especially if he'd saved for it.

Op I'm glad writing this had a cathartic affect and you realised his true self before you lost your and your dds hard earned future. I hope he is out now and you're doing ok

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 27/08/2014 07:46

How are you today?

StackladysMorphicResonator · 27/08/2014 07:53

Hope you're ok OP - let us know you're alright and that he's out.

Billben · 27/08/2014 13:06

Thinking of you

petalsandstars · 27/08/2014 13:14

If he's still there now please call the police on 101 and say the relationship has ended and he is refusing to leave despite not being on the tenancy. They shouldn't turn up with sirens and unless he kicks off your DD won't be scared. They'd just be another uniform - like postman etc, nothing scary about that.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 27/08/2014 13:36

If he was a decent bloke wouldn't he insist you protect your self?

Red flag op.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 27/08/2014 13:38

Oh good grief just caught up sorry op.

Hope you are ok.

comingintomyown · 27/08/2014 18:09

How's it going now OP ?

Suefla62 · 27/08/2014 18:18

Please let us know if you're OK.