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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give away half my money?

520 replies

givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:09

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 26/08/2014 12:19

Of course he is still there, he wants to live rent and bill free with a cleaner into the bargain.

He has a good salary, he can stay in a hotel until he finds a place to live, any shared housemates would tell him to sling his hook if he didn't pay his share of rent and bills.

Sparklypants · 26/08/2014 12:20

Oh bloody hell! I really feel for you.

Remind him that your dd is there, and for her sake to please stop causing a scene and creating more drama than is needed.

If he still won't leave tell him you will be contacting the police as he has been asked to leave multiple times.

If he can't afford to go anywhere on his salary then he has a problem, the thing is, it's NOT your problem!

Good luck Thanks

CharethCutestory · 26/08/2014 12:37

Great advice here. Hope it doesn't come down to contacting the police, but it seems like it might have to. Best of luck Thanks

auntpetunia · 26/08/2014 12:37

Bin bag and clothes out the door! No more miss nice! Phone police on 101 and tell them he's trespassing and won't leave.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/08/2014 12:40

What are his reasons for dragging his heels?

comingintomyown · 26/08/2014 12:41

Is he though ? I don't remember what the OP said about their current living arrangements.

Hang in there and even if it isn't today he goes it will be soon and all his drama will just help you stay resolved that ending your relationship is the right thing to do

Frustrated101 · 26/08/2014 12:49

I put in way more money as a deposit into our first house and earned more than him too so paid more of the bills/mortgage. 4 years later i became a SAHM for 6 years and then got a very part time job. DH earns 10 times as much as me and pays all the mortgage/bills. I was and still am in a committed relationship so why wouldnt i.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/08/2014 12:51

Frustrated101

Have you read the whole thread, it's moved om a lot

starlight1234 · 26/08/2014 12:55

Hope he is out by now and has gone quietly

Itsfab · 26/08/2014 13:01

CakeforRooners.Not sure why you like them thoughConfused. I am normally ignored or bollocked for talking nonsense.

Itsfab · 26/08/2014 13:09

I will happily look after your baby ( mum of 3 and ex nanny)while you get him out.

paddleduck · 26/08/2014 13:15

De lurking to say you are amazing. .keep going x

Time to call the police. He needs out now.

MissWing · 26/08/2014 13:19

when we bought our house my partner had 90k (inheritance) and I had 5k savings. We were both clueless as to what the implications were but my parents felt VERY STRONGLY that DPs money should be ring-fenced as his. It made complete sense to me. If we stayed together it made no difference. If we separated we each got our money back.

So our solicitor recorded the 90k as his and 5k as mine, anything over we would split when we sold the house.

(Since then we got wed and had DS)

Freebirdy · 26/08/2014 13:30

I wish people would RTFT.

Good luck reason. Defo police, bag by the door and lockSmith. How old is DD? Keep BF her until she's 9 to limit access... X

Siarie · 26/08/2014 13:30

I can't believe these replies, what has happened to this world that you have no trust in anyone? What a lovely way to start your new life in a new home together. Call me crazy but me and DH (weren't married at the time) I put £20k and he put £20k into our first car. We put the car in his name and you know what? If we ever had split before getting married (had been together for about six years at this point) he could have the car, I wouldn't have minded at all because he has always been the best thing that ever happened to me.

Yes that's not the most logical standpoint from a financial point of view and in all other matters I am the most logical and practical person you will ever meet. You can't guarantee that your partner will always be there and who knows what may happen but I was 100% happy with my choice.

Siarie · 26/08/2014 13:32

I haven't read the whole thread, seems things have gone crazy but I still stand by my above comment :)

aciddrops · 26/08/2014 13:36

Put the deposit down but keep the house in your name only.

aciddrops · 26/08/2014 13:37

OK - hadn't read thread. Ignore my last comment.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/08/2014 13:43

Siarie read the thread, it isn't just about the fact he's a twat.

Dubjackeen · 26/08/2014 13:47

OP, is there anyone you could call to come and be there with you? Sounds to m like he won't leave willingly, and you may need a bit of support.

LapsedTwentysomething · 26/08/2014 13:53

You may have said earlier, but is the tenancy in joint names? Can this be changed? Might help to get rid of him.

Castlemilk · 26/08/2014 14:07

He's not even on the birth cert as he couldn't be bothered to turn up?

I think, OP, that I would hang fire on assuming that he will want lots of access...

I think he will say he will, for some time, and will start 'court proceedings' and all sorts, because it will be his one leverage to try and get back in.

But lots of contact? Lots of sacrifice, time spent on your DD, money spent on her? Hmm. Not sure.

Get him out, and then discuss contact. Firstly, if he's 'on the edge' - there's no way he's having unsupervised contact. Get some of his histrionics in writing, if you can, to help with this.

Make it clear to him that it will be CSA straight away, contact on a fixed schedule, little and often at first, not in your house and if he kicks off even ONCE, done by a third party. He takes her out and he takes over care completely.

And then wait and see just how involved, dedicated, unselfish, energetic and enthusiastic this particlar man turns out to be...

ilovelamp82 · 26/08/2014 14:10

You are doing so well OP. You are clearly a strong, intelligent woman and a great mother.

Is he just refusing to leave or is he kicking off? Is the property in both your names?

ilovelamp82 · 26/08/2014 14:14

And I completely agree with Castlemilks last post. He is clearly a selfish and entitled individual. It will all be threats to get a rise out of you. When he realises the work and cost and sacrifice I think he'll think differently

Freebirdy · 26/08/2014 15:12

If only everyone could be smug about their choice in partner and believe that they're 100% honest. If only we all had perfect lives that handing over £200k to someone seemed like a good idea.

Sadly not all of us have easy lives and the people we choose (who we think are perfect) turn out not to be who they claim to be. I would never give anyone money, no matter how close we were, not without protecting myself.