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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give away half my money?

520 replies

givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:09

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 25/08/2014 22:55

((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))

Viviennemary · 25/08/2014 23:02

I don't think I'd be keen on handing over £200K to anyone. Why not put down a smaller deposit and get a bigger mortgage or get a less expensive house. Or draw up a contract that entitles you to your money back if you split up but not sure if that would be able to be enforced if you were married.

TheMaddHugger · 25/08/2014 23:03

Can I please have a LINK to OP's thread in Relationships?

I am having trouble finding it with the new Mumsnet format.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2014 23:04

Very sorry I didn't read this thread. Please ignore. Hope things get better soon. Flowers

YourHandInMyHand · 26/08/2014 08:42

Sending hugs OP. You are definitely doing the right thing, and you are right his further dramatics just prove it. Stay strong and think of that nice calm household.

On his wage he could go straight to a B+B/Travelodge til he finds a rental. Have no sympathy for him if he tries to make you feel bad.

Original poster
givemeareason · 26/08/2014 09:00

You're all amazing, thank you so much Thanks

STILL here but he will be gone within the next hour or so. Dragging his feet of course but I know he will go as I'm not accepting any of his bullshit, excuses or blame anymore.

I am safe, but will feel safer when he's gone.

He told me this morning he is on the edge and that I put him there, so I will breathe a huge sigh of relief when he's gone, then I'll get the locks changed.

Worried about access to DD as I know he'll try to get as much as possible. She's still BF so that does bide me some time thankfully.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/08/2014 09:05

Morning

Glad the night sounds uneventful.

He's still trying to blame you is he, what a tit!

Original poster
givemeareason · 26/08/2014 09:09

Yeah it's bizarre.

He will not accept responsibility for any of his behaviour ever. Everything is always my fault. He is perfect in his eyes. Perfect dad, perfect partner, perfect all round great guy and I'm insane to think anything different. Apparently I am hallucinating.

OP posts:
Original poster
givemeareason · 26/08/2014 09:10

Not sure how but there you go.

It's my tiredness and hormones causing me to ask him to leave.

Anyway...

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 26/08/2014 09:14

It's good to hear from you this morning.

I'm glad you are getting the locks changed.

Another thought that came to me last night - have you got a will? If not, it's something you need to get sorted as soon as possible. God forbid should anything happen to you, the last thing you'd want is him contesting DD's right to the whole lot or using it in any way that is not in DD's best interest.

Sorry, I can't scroll up (laptop is somewhat terminal I think!) is he on DD's birthcertificate?

Next time he says he's 'on the edge' tell him not to stop on your behalf Grin He's a drama queen looking for attention, he's far too wet to actually do anything!

Original poster
givemeareason · 26/08/2014 09:20

Funny you should ask that Latte as I sorted out a will and life insurance last week. It was something I'd been meaning to do since DD was born bit never got round to it. All sorted now though.

He isn't on the birth certificate as he didn't turn up on the day we were getting her registered. Perhaps a blessing in disguise.

OP posts:
Singmetosleepzzz · 26/08/2014 09:28

Thinking of you, hope you are safe.

Bouttimeforwine · 26/08/2014 09:38

Looking back, how do you think the relationship would have gone, if the £200k bit hadn't arisen?

TheMaddHugger · 26/08/2014 09:38

No, Next time he threatens to off himslef. Call the 000 (or 999 or whatever your emergency services are)

he might take that prank or threat too far.

calling ES protects YOU. and also makes sure he doesnt keep pulling that threat. He will be grilled by police as to why you thought he was introuble.

comingintomyown · 26/08/2014 09:39

That's quite a turn of events since you asked the question were you being unreasonable in keeping your deposit !

Well done for standing up for yourself and not allowing yourself to be brow beaten into something you didn't want to do. He actually sounds dreadful and as you say with each outburst he is simply making it easier for you to wave goodbye

hellsbellsmelons · 26/08/2014 09:46

Well done reason
I sincerely hope you've managed to prise him out the door by now.
If he starts to make a huge fuss again then call 101 for some advice.
Fingers crossed it's all gone well though and you can now have a nice calm home for you and your DD.

MissDuke · 26/08/2014 10:08

He didn't turn up when dd was getting registered? Dear me. A blessing in disguise, as you say!

Threads like this is MN at its best, glad you have got so much support op. Stay strong, life will be so good when it is just you and dd :-)

turkeygiblets · 26/08/2014 10:15

I hope he has now left and not having a last ditch 'panic attack' Hmm.
Has Thanks and Wine ready for op

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 26/08/2014 10:46

Definitely a blessing in disguise that he's not on her BC. He was showing you his colours then wasn't he - and before I suspect. Still, it's hard when you have a small baby to see the woods for the trees, you have now, so time to look forwards - not backwards :)

If he hasn't gone, call the locksmith, book a time (the earlier the better), when the locksmith turns up tell dickhead if he hasn't gone by the time the locksmith is done you will be calling the police.

Littleturkish · 26/08/2014 10:56

OP, best of luck with it all. You sound very sensible and you have so much going for you: the deposit saved, not having him on the BC, your clearly excellent work ethic and financial sense. It's, as they say, a bundle of blessings on your back and I'm certain only wonderful things will happen for you now.

Thinking positive thoughts- your life is going to be AMAZING with him out of it.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 26/08/2014 10:58

De-lurking to say hurrah for you! Really glad you've kicked this guy out, I wish you and your DD all the best.

PurpleWithaMysteryBun · 26/08/2014 11:14

I hope he has finally left OP. What a journey on this thread. Still you are in a great position to set you and your DD up. Your strength really shines on this thread, I can't believe he is such a wet blanket!

rainbowinmyroom · 26/08/2014 12:01

Is he gone yet? Hope the locksmith is there. With 35k+bonus he can afford somewhere to go.

Your DD will remember none of this.

Happy house-hunting to you. Hope you find a lovely home for your family.

Original poster
givemeareason · 26/08/2014 12:13

Oh my goodness he is still here. I'm trying not to cause a scene as DD here. My DM couldn't get to me this morning as she has a cold and so I'm trying to get him out without stress for DD.

He is such a selfish prat. He doesn't care about anyone other than himself.

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 26/08/2014 12:17

Do not worry about causing a scene with your daughter there. She will not remember it.

Give him a deadline.

Do you have any mates who can come over?

When is your tenancy up? Don't renew it.