DH controlling finances, is it fair?

[ItWasMyOwnSilence]

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' .

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

Tbh, as he's financially abusing op, going back to work after she's left him is the solution otherwise she'll be paying for everything and he still won't be disclosing his earnings or sharing financial info properly. Op, what does your RL support think of this? If my dd were in this situation I'd be pretty vocal about what I thought. What does your mum/close friends/sisters think?

Again, thank you everyone for your responses. I don't want to leave DH as aside from the money issues he is a good husband and father. But this situation is really getting me down.

To the PPs who suggested 'pooling' all the money, I don't think that will ever happen, I would not even feel comfortable suggesting it. I just checked the Child Benefit amount on my banking app, it's £136 (I think every 4 weeks?), so I am going to tell DH I will be getting his paid into my account to buy things for DDs. Clothes, treats etc. Although I suspect he'll probably tell me to use it for nappies aswell.

Gen I have not discussed worth anyone in RL, I don't really have the relationship where I can talk to my mum about things like this, and I the friends I see now are 'new' friends I made through going to groups with DD1 - I don't have a personal relationship with them IYSWIM.

*with

I don't think it's automatically controlling and abusive and it's a bit of a red herring to say it is. I suspect many men (and perhaps some women) don't quite realise the financial and emotional hit of one partner stopping earning. The still-earning one gets worried, paranoid and defensive and we end up with situations like this.

Ah I'm really sorry to hear about the lack of RL support.
The child benefit move is a good step, if you honestly believe he's a good man, you really must stand up him on this as it sounds like you are beggaring yourself while he's reverting to teenage behaviour. You should know everything that's coming in and spend the same on personal treats. Anything else is just not a fair valuation of what you are doing.

The thing about pooling all resources, is that you may choose not to do it while married, but if you separate the resources will be divided equally, because they belong to both partners equally. Plus, if you're not earning to take care of the house and children he will have to pay spousal maintenance or give up a larger share of those resources to compensate you for that.
So, he could choose to pool now or as a separated couple if he persists in considering earnings as his.

You shouldn't have to live on and your children on child benefit.

For example, with exH we pooled our resources. CB went straight into DS's savings accounts.

To add that exH stopped working when DS was born (not even to become a SAHP, but on incapacity) and earned a lot less than me, but there was no his or mine.

OP that's a good first step. Be on your guard though in case he ramps up the abuse once you are taking a stand.

I think in your position I'd start telling him what the money was going to be spent on, spending as you and the kids need from the joint account and letting him top up the shortfall on his credit card/from his account.

If he complained I'd firstly tell him that it was impossible for me to budget properly without full knowledge of how much the household was earning- and that includes him. Then I'd ask him what he would like me to do? Let the DC go without new school shoes etc...

He'd either have to accept this or divorce me I think.

If he doesn't want a fair division, you could calculate how much for child care and for you to get a job and split the costs.

Thanks lottie, that's good advice.

This situation has made me realise how different out perceptions and expectations of the family unit are, which does worry me, and makes me nervous for the future.

Glace I don't think we could afford for me to put all my maternity money in my bank account.

Sorry to hear you were in a similar (worse?) situation, how did it change?

I've just replied to your other thread on the allergy board. The diet you are following is extremely expensive, and your dh needs to understand that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, as well as all your other troubles. Sadly, your dh is being an arse, and yes he is financially controlling. Think you should speak to women's aid / your local domestic violence folk or similar to get some perspective.

It's understandable that you don't want to leave your dh, and hopefully you won't have to. But information is power, and if you are able to tell him that what he is doing is technically abusive, then he may change his ways (my husband did...)

This financial nightmare makes it even more great that you are able to continue breastfeeding your friend - breast milk is free - but he certainly needs to understand how expensive your diet is, and how difficult and time consuming it is to organize.

Just a thought... is he stressed out by the diagnosis of allergy? How supportive is he about that? Food allergies can put huge pressures on a family and on a marriage. Dh and I did struggle when we first realised how allergic ds1 was, and to so many different foods, and dh did take it out on me a bit( although he would deny that now)

Your friend?? I meant your baby!!! Damn auto correct

You sound very isolated. How much of this isolation is down to your H? Did you move away from friends and family at his request/insistence? That's a common tactic of abusive men - to make sure that the woman they have decided to enslave has very little external support.

ALso, something else to consider (simply because it's all part of the pattern with abusive men who consider women things rather than people) - what's your sex life like? Does he demand sex, do it to you anyway, sulk and find other ways of punishing you if you refuse? Or does he withold sex and behave as though you are disgusting if you suggest it?

green thank you you have given great advise, both here and on my other thread.

Yes my diet is expensive, and I feel very guilty about that, even though if I were ff a non allergic baby the costs would probably be greater.

I don't think DH is stressed by the diagnosis, tbh he is not really very involved, does not ask questions /do research etc. Just listens to what I tell him doc had said or what I have read.

^solid* I guess I am pretty isolated. When DH and I met we lived approx 15 miles apart, I moved to his area. He was not keen on my friends and I felt awkward arranging to see them.

Sex life non existent really, I am co sleeping with DD2 (to try and claw back a couple of hours) he sleeps in DD1's room at the moment. I feel bad about the lack of intimacy but he doesn't make me feel bad.

*advice.

Sorry, it's late and I'm sleep deprived!

I'm mainly a SAHM too. All income (DH's wage, my very small wage and child benefit) goes into one account. All bills and family related stuff comes out of it, and an equal sum every month is paid into our sole accounts which is ours to spend as we wish. DH and I see our partnership as an equal one and I would consider a 'I earn it so I choose how to spend it' attitude as utterly ludicrous.

Would he consider counselling to discuss this? If not, you could go by yourself. It may give you the courage to discuss this rationally without allowing him to turn everything you say round on you. I would seriously have a think about your plans to scale back your hours - you may need a full time wage to support your children by yourself.

Op I am so sorry you are in this situation, you sound sad.

My dh is a sahd with a food intolerance. My dh and children mean the world to me. I work bloody hard and I enjoy spending my money on my dh and children. Their needs are as important as my own. We spend lots on my dh diet as his health is important. I too have a variable income I tell dh what it will be next month and we plan accordingly. Child benefit he receives and I pay tax on it accordingly. We have joint accounts. I put savings into both our names. We discuss large purchases together.

You and your children are not second class citizens. Buying you wine, sounds like he knows nothing about you. We cosleep, I breast feed and need to sleep as well as poss for work. Dh doesn't drink so we can all sleep in the same bed. Why doesn't he buy takeaway for you. He sounds very greedy

I bet if you added up the bills and saw how much he has left vs what you have left you would be shocked.

His treatment of you is vile. I say that as the main earner in a family. I enjoy finding new snacks and food for my food intolerant husband, his food intolerance has lead to our bills going up 200- 250 per month but hey that's life. His health is worth that to me and our family.

One final comment, imagine you went back to work, he has a road traffic accident and cannot work. Would you take his disability money, give him 15 pocket money each week and demand he pays his taxi fare to hospital from it as it's not your fault he is sick. No I didn't think so. Vile man.

Take care op. I really hope he changes but I have a feeling he won't.

He was not keen on my friends

Oh there's a surprise - not.

The amount needed for essentials has changed as your family has grown and will continue to as your kids get older, your couples budget is no longer realistic.
You need to draw up a full family budget including all expenses such as haircuts and gifts along with mortgage, food, bills.
Then work through it together.

He's being an arse.

I think at the moment you are still almost feeling guilty for being the one at home. You seem to be saying that you couldn't possibly ask him to put all his money in / take more of your money out.. why? There's an inference there that you don't think that would be fair rather than the overwhelming sirens most of us seem to be giving you that you do an equal job as your dh, just at home, and are therefore entitled to half the money. If he earns more (and he does at the moment) he should be paying more.

You seem quite passive about it all and very accepting and I think maybe that's linked to your own self esteem about your current role of being at home. You don't suddenly lose worth or respect just because you are the at home parent.

I know what is like to have been the breadwinner and then become the sahm. I did it because I wanted to - I hated working. But I feel I am contributing equally to the household and I would just not accept anything other than all in financially, indeed I left my first marriage many years ago because of it.

You need to gain some self esteem and self confidence. You're not asking dh to support you and the dc financially because he's doing you a favour. You're asking him because if one of you is at home raising the dc then it's the others DUTY to support you. You need to get angry.

MsVest I am not sure about the counselling, DH is not much of a 'talker', there is actually a 'woman's insight' course starting in September at my local children's centre, I may look into it.

Re self esteem issues, I think my confidence has taken a knock since being with DH, I used to be very confident and really cared about my appearance, however DH would often make comments about me being vain.

I have terrible roots at the moment - about 4-5inches as I cannot afford to get my hair done and don't feel I am worth spending the money on when DD's bed things.

I agree I have become passive and accepting, I am a completely different person to the one I was 4 years ago, I just assumed it was because of having DC.

I think because I am not working, DH sees me as not contributing to the household .

43 your attitude towards your husband sounds wonderful, he is a very lucky man.

I can't eat take aways at the moment because of all the food allergies - it's too risky.

Re drinking - DH would rather drink and sleep in DD1's room (he doesn't not drink regularly - about twice a week).