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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH controlling finances, is it fair?

382 replies

ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 19:36

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' Hmm.

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

OP posts:
lazuli · 16/08/2014 19:57

Bill him for child care and housework then, if he insists on seeing things as he does.

I am a sahm, earn no money, DH works full time. We have a joint account - all wages go into it and we can each spend as we like ( once bills etc are paid for). I have never once been questioned on or asked to justify the money I spend. DH would consider that as weird as I would.

chubbyhez · 16/08/2014 19:58

Have you got your own account?

wirezip · 16/08/2014 19:59

He thinks he's doing you a favour by paying you £15 a week pocket money? Wow. That's disgraceful and he should be ashamed.

You need to tell him it's totally unacceptable and sit down with him to arrange a more equitable split of finances. It makes me properly angry when I see men pulling out the 'I work hard for my money while you are a scrounging loafer' to SAHMs and niggling over every penny to make a point. Pathetic.

LadyLuck10 · 16/08/2014 20:00

Op he is abusing youSad
You are already working part time, when ml is over you can look for something better and in the mean time I think leave this sorry excuse for a man.

Purplehonesty · 16/08/2014 20:01

Not fair at all. My dh is the main earner as I work part time at home.
His wages cover all the bills and what I earn goes on food and all the rest.
He asks me if he can buy things and asks before he takes money out of the tin for things like lunches.
I always tell him not to ask but he always does!
A marriage is a partnership. Money is joint and should be spent equally.

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 20:01

Thank you everyone, I didn't consider it was 'financial abuse' but am going to look into it.

Re going back to work, the plan was for me to do part time work until DD2 is older - nearer 3/4 then go back to my career job (where I will probably earn considerably more than DH) - but that is a long way off.

OP posts:
littlepeas · 16/08/2014 20:01

I am a sahm and do not have to justify any of my spending to dh. That is how it should be. There is no way I would put up with your situation - it is wrong and very demeaning.

Snatchoo · 16/08/2014 20:02

Fuck that. What a dick.

You know, I see so many of these threads on MN and they make me so angry. I'm the sole earner, DH is a SAHD since his redundancy about 18 months ago. I spend more than him on myself, but this is because I wear make up and can't just skin my head like him Grin. But I would never dole out money to him as though he doesn't have equal rights to it. Because he does. If he was at work, I would not be working full time.

I did say no when DH asked me if he could buy this, but he agreed with me that it's just a motorised grater that would take up space we don't have!

MrsHathaway · 16/08/2014 20:03

Oh dear. That's not right, no.

Have you done the sums and worked out what monetary value your childcare is worth - that is, if you took a job tomorrow, so you too could have money you work hard for to spend as you like Hmm you would typically have to spend £75-80 per day to have the children looked after. And that's before you calculate what you're saving by not needing a cleaner or laundry service (say). So you save him maybe £1800 a month by being available to provide those services.

You aren't a drain on his resources: you make his earnings possible.

It's accepted MN wisdom that healthy partnerships share leisure resources (time and money) as far as is practical. If there's £100 left for discretionary spending, that's £50 each. If it goes down, both parties cut back. If it goes up, both parties benefit.

Nice people aren't content to keep their partners short of food, or their children short of clothing.

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 20:04

Yes I have my own account, it's what DH transfers my money into each month. But that is the only money it ever sees. Oh except a share dividend I got paid a couple of months ago - all of which went on DD1's ballet uniform (I did not feel I could use money from the joint account for this as DH would have deemed it too much money to spend - about £70).

OP posts:
CookieMonsterIsHot · 16/08/2014 20:05

Tell him he needs to buy some clothes for the kids and the weaning kit. The joint account can't cover it. If he gets the hump I would immediately stop buying anything that he uses out of the joint account. He can buy his own food, soap, laundry detergent, car tax with his own money

Get the £110 plus miserly £60 into your own account, you could set up a standing order to transfer it each month if you don't want the hassle of moving the payments.

Mainly though, I would get a full time job ASAP. He should pay half the child are costs btw. It is not your childcare. If he wasn't a twat about money before then a return to dual income and properly shared bills might shift him back to normal and give you some power back. Assuming normal for him isn't twat of course.

IDontDoIroning · 16/08/2014 20:05

So ask him that when you go back to work and are earning more than him will be be happy for you to put the bare minimum into the joint account keep the balance and ssinf it just on you ?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 16/08/2014 20:06

He moans about the cost of the food needed to keep your child healthy! And you have no clothes for them.

While spending on gym, football tickets, takeaways etc for himself.

I hate the whole "Ltb" culture on mumsnet but why in the world would you you stay with someone who puts their desire for beer over keeping a baby healthy.

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 20:07

I don't want to go back to work yet, the plan was to be at home the majority of the time whilst DC were pre school age. Is that selfish?

OP posts:
Ludoole · 16/08/2014 20:08

My 14yo son gets £15 a week pocket money off his nan and he doesnt have to do anything to get that...
Your dp works but funnily enough so do you and you are doing a damn important job too. You deserve more.

Mrsgrumble · 16/08/2014 20:08

The situation you are in is very, very wrong.

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 20:09

Full time work I meant, I am happy to go back to work part time in the next couple of months.

OP posts:
Lottiedoubtie · 16/08/2014 20:09

OP what would have happened if you had spent joint account money on the ballet uniform?

I get that you would run out of money in the joint account by the end of the month.

But then what? What would his reaction be? Would he let the children starve for a few days? Buy them takeaway but let you starve? Shout? Scream? Be violent? Sulk? Take it out of your pocket money?

What would actually happen?

chubbyhez · 16/08/2014 20:10

If that's what you want to do and there is money to afford it then it's not selfish. But you sure as he'll can't do it on £15 a week. Do you know how much he earns?

CookieMonsterIsHot · 16/08/2014 20:10

The ballet kit! Bloody hell!

Please tell me you at least had a row with him about it, where you pointed out that he has spent more on takeaways and booze than that in the last x weeks.

Stop being a doormat. He needs to know how much children cost. And pay it. It's not like he hasn't got the money.

Are you afraid of confronting him?

Azquilith · 16/08/2014 20:11

He's a jerk. Just to put it the other way round. I earn more than twice as much as my DP. We have a child. He pays maintenance for older children. We pool our money, pay bills and then have equal access to the remainder. It's a partnership!

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 20:12

I don't know Lottie as I wouldn't have done it...

No violence, no. I guess he would have just moaned and then used his credit card to make up the difference and then 'owe it' to himself out of the joint account next month.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 20:13

I don't know how much he earns, it is different each month.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 16/08/2014 20:14

No it's not fair. I agree this thread might be better placed on Relationships.

When you have 2 children and a stay at home partner it's not 'your' money anymore. Who would look after his children if you weren't there? How much does he think that would cost?

That's beside the point though. You do not buy football tickets and join gyms when your children don't have proper bowls, or need basic clothing, or haircuts. That is frighteningly selfish, and I do think it's financial abuse.

Ludoole · 16/08/2014 20:14

Id ask to see payslips when he got them if I were you.