DH controlling finances, is it fair?

[ItWasMyOwnSilence]

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' .

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

I'm glad you've found a way of talking to your husband though I still think, from what you have said that he is abusive in more ways than one, however the important thing is that you are happy with him, but do try to get some RL friends and support too.

I understand why you want to stay at home with your children for the moment, but remember you don't have to stay in an unhappy situation to do that.

This isnt a merits of work or not,its strategies,advice on living with financially controlling man

From what you say OP it sounds as though you just need a little more control over money and spending. Your DH is still a work in progress

I understand completely the wish to be the most important person in your DDs lives. If the financial issues are more a minor irritation than of huge importance, then the pleasure of being with your children will far outweigh them.

By asserting yourself slowly and knowing that eventually you will be on a financial par with your DH the sting is taken out of his stinginess.

The strength in your position is this eventual parity financially and you are not in the unfortunate position of some with poor education and job prospects, which is where some men exert true FA.

I opted to be a SAHM for 6 or so years for the same reasons as yourself and although my DH was not FA money was tight for all of us but I would honestly say those years were the richest ones of my life

Be careful.
What will happen when your maternity money ends?
Will you have at all a saying on family finances?
What about when you've been so long out of the workforce that you won't get a job that pays as well as before?

You are not yet in the situation of some poor financially abused women, but you are dangerously on the edge. :(

See you in a few years OP

I hope you remember the good advice when you are lwft with pennies after he spends everything on himself or gambles it away.

I am really sad that there are some women that are treated like this. I hold all the purse strings in our house and i keep track of all the money-dh just got promoted and a bonus, so i overpaid some of the mortgage! He joked about me nicking his bonus but it was lighthearted. I also said i was going to stop paying into the joint account (which is always set up with a surplus btw) so that we can see how well we could cope if i went part time or sahm- again, a lighthearted ribbing, but he is happy to do it. Op, i really think even if you don't change the arrangements in financial terms you absolutely need transparency and full disclosure or your marriage cannot work.

It is sad isn't it and a horrible environment to raise children in. Why do some men value the women in their lives so little. More to the point why do some women put up with it. Op you are in an abusive relationship and I am almost certain this will not be the only way he is abusing you. Keep reading and posting and hopefully you will see your situation as it is. You would honestly be much better off by yourself.