DH controlling finances, is it fair?

[ItWasMyOwnSilence]

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' .

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

No need t be angry with the OP. It's her DH who deserves the anger.

Hes a wanker. He wont change.

Horrific. Managing money in our house is tough. We still maintain independent accounts, but I earn 3x what my wife earns. We're a bit slack, so in practice I pay all the bills from my account and we each buy food etc. Soon I would like to sort out a proper joint account, with any balance being split out equally. I joke that we can share the overdraft ;)

You genuinely do need to sort this out. As a family, the money earned should be supporting the family. When you're not running joint accounts, you have to trust that the other will be responsible and cautious with money, ensuring that all members of the family get what they need. You cannot trust your husband, because he is literally stealing from you. Could you tell him that you're going back to work full time, as you can't deal with being poor? Then point out the childcare costs. And that he'd have to help around the house more.

Hermione no not a wind up, unfortunately.

Op, would you consider showing him this thread, to prove that a decent number of (admittedly) complete strangers firmly consider him to be a miserable worm?

And do consider working out the monetary cost of everything you do and presenting him with it. He may find it a shock to see it all written down in black and white. People here have spreadsheets with typical job lists for SAHM to get your started.

Before DC we earned similar, we worked out we needed to pay £x into joint account, paid in 50% each and then each had our own disposable income (which was roughly the same).

x post

Silence, he's fobbing you off, don't let him. He's trying to make you feel guilty for asking for more and making it an emotional argument when it's not. You're not trying to control how he spends his money, you're asking for it to be equal. Don't let him guilt trip you.

Get your ducks in a row, tell him how much you spend on joint expenses and tell him his £60 pm isn't adequate. Point out how much you'd both be spending on childcare if you were working.

Good luck! Honestly, I am SO cross for you!

What an arse!

Clothes for your DDs and weaning kit is a joint responsibility - they are his children as well.

I work full time but I'm just coming to the end of my maternity leave with our first child.

Me and DH split all money (wages, maternity pay and child benefit) equally. All bills including food and fuel and things for ds such as clothes, nappies are paid for first.

Then we have equal access to what's left. Was the same before ds arrived and will be the same when I return to work.

We don't make big purchases without discussing it first.

That's how partnerships should work.

Either tell him things need to change now or I'd go back to full time work and he'll have to pay half the childcare I'd set up ready to leave him and find somewhere for me and the children as well

Please don't allow him to continue to abuse you in this way.

"He then made me feel bad about trying to control how he spends his money."

It's NOT his fucking money! It's your money too, since without your input he would be UNABLE to work without paying for childcare.

"I replied I work hard too looking after DDs. He said he looks after them too on his days off."

That would be something relevant. Provided that all weekend he looks after them whilst you sit in the garden drinking cocktails. Something tells me that you actually look after them together at weekends though. Or that he does some things, but claims to be tired after a week at work.

We did this: Before DC we earned similar, we worked out we needed to pay £x into joint account, paid in 50% each and then each had our own disposable income (which was roughly the same)

But as soon as the kids came along we chucked everything into the joint account. If we want treats, we discuss with each other but no asking of permission etc.

Our finances have changed so many times it seems foolish to try and maintain disposable income in the same way as pre-DC.

For comparison. DH is a SAHD. I do most of the money management but pay 250 into his account for his own spending plus he knows I will support anything else he wants or needs as long as we can afford it. I never question or comment on his spending. We have joint savings. Your H is seriously out of order. He should be ashamed. But obviously isn't.

These type of threads make me feel so, so very sad ;( OP unfortunately you DH is abusing you. I'm sorry you are going through this. He works hard, AND you work hard. You mutually agreed to stop your income temporarily. He is now forcing you to live in poverty & he's controlling you through money.

Sit down & work out how much you sensibly need each week. If he will not provide you with this then you need to leave him- trust me you'll be better off divorce from him financially the pittance he is paying you! Xxx

Don't show him this thread. He's abusive, it won't help.
OP, you stood up for yourself and got precisely nowhere because he fundamentally doesn't get it. He doesn't see you as equal to him, that's the bottom line. He is more important than you in his mind.

The £110 week is your SMP money,paid by your employer.set up a debit for full amount from joint to you

There's no way I'd stay with him unless he agrees to split everything 50/50 with immediate effect and stops saying no. Why are you putting up with this medieval situation? I'd also go back to work ft after I left him. Working ft with small dc is better than putting up with an abuser who criticises what you spend on your kids and food you need...he's a horrible thoughtless pig on this evidence...

Honestly I don't say this often, but you need to leave him. If that means going back to work early then I think that's the best option for you.

Your dd's need stuff/ spoons haircuts whatever it maybe. I the money wasn't there then tags a different case, but clearly the cost of his one meal would have covered bowls and spoons.

Get out now.

it is not HIS money! If he thinks he should have his money to spend how he pleases then that should be equal to your spending money. As you actually spend your "pocket money" on children and family, as you have described, then his pocket money should be the same - 0.

In our family, DH is a SAHD. All money I earn goes into our joint account and we both have equal access to it. I can't imagine it any other way. It's family money.

These type of threads make me angry.

You're a family - it's family money. I'm back at work now and everything goes into one pot with bills, savings and mortgage taken out. Treats to be taken out too. The exact same happened on maternity albeit with less savings.

You shouldn't have to live like this. Good on you for confronting him and don't let him shut down the conversation.

You work just as hard as him and deserve to be treated as a mother/wife not the help on below minimum wage.

You should be able to use the joint account for the children and your needs. This would be unacceptable to me. I would find out cost of full time childcare fir your doc and tell your dh that you will be looking for work. He will need to budget for this cost. He may well change his tune. I would also be getting the maternity pay paid to your own account and I would start using joint account for children's clothes and your food and necessities. If he doesn't like this, start saving for getting out.

But cansu, how can

How can she save for getting out when she has literally no money to save from!

You may prefer to stay home until your children are older but your dp is using this as an excuse to financially control you. Personally I could not put up with this. With my first child I actually saved up to cover my own maternity leave but the second time, I actually made it v clear that I would not be contributing the same amount and that dp would need to pay much more to cover our joint costs. I also used the joint account for whatever we needed. I think you need to have a very frank conversation. If your dp can't see that he is being unfair then I would be considering returning to work as I could not be in this much weaker, vulnerable position.

I would start by putting the maternity money into my account. I would start taking money from joint account for everything I needed and maybe take a smLl amount out to save as well.

He then made me feel bad about trying to control how he spends his money

Of course he did, hes manipulating you. Sorry to say you are married to a very controlling and abusive man whose extremely unlikely to change....and yes I know he hasn't laid a finger on you, but out of the 4 different types of abuse in relationships - physical, sexual, financial and emotional, physical is actually the least successful way of controlling your partner.

No, it's not at all fair. As others have said, put the maternity money in your own account.
That said, I am coming at it from the viewpoint of it being abusive since for years I was not allowed a bank account.