DH controlling finances, is it fair?

[ItWasMyOwnSilence]

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' .

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

chubder my 'income' is £15 a week... Not £150!

You have £110 SMP plus...£20 ish CB? So £130 a week not including his "gift" of £15.

That is YOUR income, not his, YOURS. If he doesnt see his money as "ours" then neither is yours. You would be perfectly within your rights to have it paid into your own bank and part with say a percentage of it towards the bills, lets say half. Soe that leaves you with £65 a week. 4 times what you are on now.

Sorry, so not soe, dont know what happened there!

And if you have 2 DD then yes actually it would be closer to £150 a week. Give him half of your SMP, leaving you £60 and ringfence the CB to be spent solely on your girls and what they need.

It's not I can't be bothered per se, it's that the last couple of days have taught me I can try but won't get anywhere.

I think I am going to let the 'dust settle' a little (DH still annoyed about me accusing him of FA) and then go about speaking to him from a different angle. How, I am not sure yet.

Look,he's not going to have an amicable discussion re finances.yiu know this
Call bank set up a transfer of. Your smp to you solely.you're letting him take your money
Make plans for how you'll return to work and you claim benefits you keep them

I have to admit to getting a bit cross now.

Everything that has been suggested you dont want to do!

The options are

A) you take control back of your own money and spend what you need to spend rather than scratting around with pennies for what you can just about afford on the pittance he gives you. This will mean a lot of disharmony but if you stick to your guns he will have to cut back his own spending on the basis that you and your kids are no longer paying for his beer and KFC.

B) you go back to work full time, contribute as you did before and weather the storm when he kicks off about childcare costs etc but at least retain some financial independence, but bear in mind he may jack his job in just to spite you.

C) Leave and claim CSA from him

D) accept that this is how it is and suck it up.

Option E) He will change - IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I know you want it to, I know you are desperately trying to change things but sweetie, it aint working is it? He wont change because he doesnt want to and he doesnt have to. He holds all the cards in this game and he isnt going to give any of them up without a fight.

I know you dont want to accept that but in order to deal with this situation effectively, I am afraid that you must.

You have access to the finances.start to use it.buy spoons,buy clothes,get a bra
with full access to joint account you don't need to eke out week on £15

"He also says it makes him feel nice and good about himself by giving me my spending money and by him having all the other money (his wages) to buy me treats." I hope you told him that it makes you feel like shit!

So, think back to when you were young, free and single, earning your own money and spending it on what you chose.

At what point, when you got together with your dh, did you agree that you would give away all that autonomy and independence and live off £15pw. Was it when you got married, or when your dh got you pregnant? Did he actually say, "Let's have a baby, and you will revert to being the child a parent/child relationship, whereby I will decide what you need and can have money for and you will not have an equal say. Did you sign up for that, or did you sleepwalk into it?

I'm sorry, but reading this thread has made me extremely angry on your behalf.

Do you want to teach your DC that their spouse can take all their own wage from them - not disclose how much the family has altogether - and have them living in poverty- not buying necessary household items- while the spouse spends what they like whenever they like?

This is the life you will give the children. The example you are setting for them by not challenging this treatment of yourself.

also getting frustrated

Silence are you okay? I'm really just checking in to see how you are. I have just been reading this thread again, and it's such an awful lot for you to take on board in the 24 hours since you first posted!

Please don't feel pressured into changing everything all at once. Obviously something does have to change, but you need to make sure you are feeling strong enough to cope with whatever happens.

Again, I say, are you okay?

It's not often I agree with scottishmummy about anything (she is always in favour of women working outside of the home, and I am a SAHM in complete control of the finances), but she is talking a certain amount of sense on this thread. Having a long-term game plan (and an exit strategy if needed) is a very good idea.

However, you have a 5 month old breastfed baby with possible food allergies looming, it's not so easy. Food allergies are scary and hard to deal with, and I will never forget how despondent I felt when DS1 was 5 months old. Appropriate childcare is hard to find, although not impossible. You have such a lot on your plate at the moment!

Please don't worry about anything too much right now. Yes, you have stuff to deal with, but you don't have to deal with it ALL before bedtime just to satisfy our curiosity on mumsnet! You are doing an amazing job of being a mum and coping with all the stresses you have been given, including your wildly unsupportive and clearly financially abusive husband.

(by the way, refusing to engage with food allergies is a fairly common response to the stress of it, many mums feel that they are coping on their own in the early stages - I did, but DH has come totally on board in the last few years).

Have you called Womens's Aid or local domestic violence folk yet? This is seriously worth doing, because they are proper professionals with proper professional detachment, and can give you much better information / advice tham any of us on this thread.

For me, calling Women's Aid was the turning point. DH would never believe me that he was being emotionally abusive, but when I threatened to leave him, and was able to quote professional advice, he changed his ways pretty sharpish (has been a lovely husband and father for the last six months at least, but I realise that I am one of the rare, lucky ones).

Hope you get a good night's sleep (despite night feeds) and that you are feeling okay...

you really need to sit down and talk about how you feel. He is dreadful. This is not right. Good luck OP and STAND up for yourself. Come on!!

The fact that you need to leave it and come at it from a different angle shows that you are scared to tackle him as he doesn't behave reasonably when you do. You do sound exhausted and worn down - I hope you do take some steps to retain more of your money immediately, why not leave the ball in his court to bring it up with you?

Thanks everyone, sorry have not been back sooner.

Had a talk with DH again, and he seems to be coming round to my way of thinking that the money he earns is for us as a family - not him.

I also told him I was using my next maternity pay to get my hair done (hooray) and to buy nursing bras.

Re going back to work, I will remain out of my 'career job' until a couple of years, but I am due to complete my Msc next year - so am keeping in the field to some extent. I know it's not for everybody, but I do want to stay at home with DDs until DD2 is 3/4 and DD1 is in school.

Thank you again for support, I feel like I have made a small step - but at least it's a step in the right direction.

Whats changed?what's he agreed,whats the actual detail?do you retain own smp?
Great you talked,but your still out of employment loop for a long time.is that good idea?
Frankly i wouldnt spend so long as housewife,you need to be mindful of planning a return to ft work as your income,and security

Did the dd haircut happen
Did you buy spoons
Did you buy dd clothes

Good luck with msc

Unfortunately for you OP I'm willing to bet money that nothing will change in the long term. Agreeing to £100 on a haircut and some bras is him just trying to keep you quiet.

Yes clothes and weaning equipment was brought on Monday.

DD will get her hair cut when I go to my hairdresser in the next couple of weeks.

I will still be paying my maternity money into the joint acc but I said before I do I will take out of it anything I need.

I am aware I am out of my career loop but being at home with DD's I what I want to do. I planned to stay at home before DD1 was born. I love being the one who teaches her things and being there for all their milestones. Going back to full time work earlier is not gong to happen, which I have said many, many times up thread, so please stop pushing it.

There's no point getting annoyed with people posting advice that you may not want to hear. The only person you should be doing that with is your "D" H.

Good luck Op, your going to need it.

When did I get annoyed?

You are finding something that works for you. My dh has the same sort of mindset but he is a bit rubbish with paperwork so I keep all the bank statements so know exactly what he earns. So old fashioned but he gives me housekeeping lol, which covers all expenses - I told him the figure and he hands it over. I keep my child benefit as my money and factored in so endings for the kids - shoes, haircuts ect into the housekeeping. Friends think it's weird but as I pointed out I could be telling him the housekeeping is say £500 a week when it's only £400 and he would never know. I always ass a bit on and stash it in our rainy say pot.

Use the credit card as you need it and don't let yourself go short. If he is happy to do it that way great. It gives you freedom to spend without worry. I also developed the mentality about not being bother about asking dh for money. Meh now knows if we go out for a meal ect he needs to pay as I told him that i don't have the money.

So all your smp still goes into joint acount?does he pay in complete salary and bonus?
Being housewife,you get £15pw allowance.none of your own smp,an ill fitting bra.and you buy family items from your pocket money
Being housewife and financially dependent in no way beneficial to you.so of course id encourage change yiur arrangements and return to work. I dont think staying home means you get the drudgery of £15 pw pocket money

Working doesnt absent you from milestones?

I cant see what youve substantially gained.not retained your own smp?
However,you have had the discussion,well dine making that start
And as i said good luck with msc

Not reasonable. Managing yes, controlling is very different.

No DH will not be paying in all his wages or bonuses, so in that respect I haven't got anywhere...

I will pay my SMP into joint after I have taken what I need from it, and will have to order the bras online as the shops don't sell my tiny size. I have DH's credit card to spend on family items.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree on SAH and WPs scottish .

To be frank you have bigger things to expend your energies on op,than what I think
I cant see whats gained?you pay all your smp?he doesn't pay all his wage or bonus
Theres a glaring inequality,and he still controls the finance.why are you paying your wages in?
Would you consider a sole account for your smp and pt wages,seeing he keeps his salary

I think sahp are great. My dh by being a sahd enables me to work ft with no stress, hassle or worry. I get my lovely dinner when I get in and photos of our ds sent to me. His job is just as important as mine.

Thats why we have joint accounts. All large purchases are discussed. His food allergy diet comes before any luxuries, it is in the budget with the essentials like gas and electric.

Weaning spoons vs takeaway for me, err weaning spoons.

sorry to ask again but did he tell you what he earns?

I really hope stuff improved for you. I think it sucks that he doesn't see your job as having the same value as his.

You're confusing the issue OP.

No one cares if you work or not, your choice.

Having a partner who thinks £15 a week is an acceptable amount of money to control you with have whilst he has much much more is abuse.

However it appears that it will be awhile before you see it as clearly as most posters do.