DH controlling finances, is it fair?

[ItWasMyOwnSilence]

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' .

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

Ah, perceptions.
Getting drunk twice a week is very regular. In fact, it would worry me.
And piss taking, as you have two children, including a recent baby. Who wakes up in the nights?
Plus all the money he must spend on it.

If you got drunk twice a week, slept in the spare room and kept all your money for yourself would you say you were a good parent?

43 is not wonderful nor her husband is very lucky. It's just normal for good people who love eachother.
Lots of people behave in the same way.
Your husband doesn't because he's a dick and abusive.

I'm not excusing him but he doesn't really 'get drunk' twice a week. On one day he'll get 4 cans and the other day he'll get a bottle of wine, and I'll have a small glass.

Fairy no, I think that would make me a terrible parent but I would secretly love to do it just once.

But you've said earlier you think he's a good parent. Yet if you do the same you'd (rightly) consider it awful. So clearly he's not a good parent. He doesn't get to live by different rules to you just because he's got a pair of balls and works.

I have been the main bread winner for years (about to change as it happens as DH is starting a permanent job in a few weeks) and I have always ensured that we have equal spending money, discussed large purchases etc. Anything else is abhorrent :(

You deserve to look after yourself. If it helps, look at it as setting a good example for your DDs. They need a mother who respects herself. Having your hair done a few times a year isn't vain. Wearing a little makeup and clean, well fitting pretty clothes isn't vain either.

What do you think the least explosive way to talk to your DH about money would be?

I think my self confidence has taken a knock since being with DH. What a sad statement. Being with the right person (friend, family, partner) should enhance your self esteem, not diminish it.

I think the Women's Insight course is a good start. Hopefully it will help you decide what you need out of your life in general and see where your DH fits in to it.

Just out of interest, does your DH agree with your decision to take maternity leave and then go part time? Or does he think you should go back full time ASAP? Some men (actually, people in general) don't see child rearing as a worthwhile role and so should be financially penalised for it.

DH works full time
And I work part time
All our money goes into joint account, all bills and spending comes out of this account. I control the finances as I am the one who does the shopping, buys the birthday and Xmas presents, organises holidays, days out etc. if DH wants anything he either asks me to pick it up or will ask if we can afford it. (Not because I am controlling but because we don't have much spare money and if the kids need scho trip money etc there might not be any spare. DH has gym membership etc and doesn't go out so doesn't really
Have anything else he wats to spend money on apart from
Xbox games!

So unless you have a lot of surplus money coming in after bills and food etc it probably does work best to have one person dealing with finances who has an overall view of the balance book otherwise both people spend with abandon and then not enough money for bills etc.
I know in my mind what we have spare between now and Xmas, when I can start buying Xmas presents etc etx

You really need to read your statements and re read the responses and try to look at your relationship as though you were a stranger.

It's then that you will see how awful your relationship is and how it will be almost impossible to rescue. You need to find a way to reassert yourself as woman and see your own worth.

This business with the money should have been sorted out before you had children because children are always the woman's Achilles heel. Maybe then you would have seen DH in a different light.

The first thing you will need to do is sit down with DH and do some real talking. Waiting 3/4 years until you can resume your career is unrealistic as by then your self esteem will be so low you will not have the confidence to do this. And full time working with 2 young children isn't easy, very hard work and stressful if your husband continues with his selfish and self centred attitude.

When I became a SAHM, after my maternity pay ran out my DH gave me a card for an account which he transferred money into each month for me to use. Great.

At the end of a few weeks he was going through the post and picked up a statement. It was for my card. He then proceeded to 'go through it' with me, questioning every transaction ('£12 at a cafe, did you NEED that? £15 at New Look, did you NEED that? It's MY money you see, so I need to know where it's all going').

I hit the fucking roof.

He GENUINELY thought (probably because its what his parents do) that it was totally normal and right for him to go through every last penny of my spending, to check up on where 'his' hard earned money was going.

I told him in no uncertain terms that as soon as it was transferred to me, it ceased to be 'his' money or even his business. If I spent the whole fucking lot on loom bands it would be absolutely none of his concern. That the money that he does the majority of the grafting for is no more 'his' than the children which I do the majority of the grafting for are 'mine.'

I told him that if he wanted to live like a single man, jealously guarding his big pot of cash then he could fuck off and give it a try. I honestly don't think I've ever been so angry.

We now share all money, and all financial decisions.

Anyway the point is OP that he actually disnt think that he was in the wrong until it was spelled out to him in big letters. It's how his parents did it; he thought it was completely normal, and hadnt thought that it was actually demeaning and cruel.

You need to set boundaries in your mind, stop thinking of it as 'his' money (it's not) and then set those boundaries in real life. Refuse to justify your spending, and take back some control.

You say you can't afford to get your hair done or use the CB money - but he can afford takeaways and alcohol whenever he feels like it.

He treats you like dirt, financially abuses you, isolates you from your friends and has utterly destroyed your confidence and feelings of self worth.

What bit of that makes him a good husband and father - because on paper it looks like he is a controlling bully and you are being abused. Sorry.

He's still excusing himself from parenting, though.

But it shouldn't distract you from his financial abuse, nor his other treatment of you.
You are supposed to be equal partners.

See earlier posts again about asset division and contributions to the home.
If he's not prepared to recognise your role he should pay you child minding rates and housekeeping fees.
A cleaner often charges upwards of £7 per hour.

Tbh, though, you're better off splitting up. He simply isn't a good man.

OP this sounds all too familiar to me. My exh (note the 'ex') was exactly the same. He had a good job that paid well while I worked 2 days a week as a receptionist so not a great wage for me. He paid the rent and nothing else, he expected me to pay the electricity, gas, council tax, water, tv licence, food shopping, clothes for the kids and petrol for my car. Every month I would tell him I needed help but there would always be an excuse why he couldn't help me out. I was saving my tesco vouchers so I could double them up and buy myself clothes while he shopped at Bicester village. He'd come home with a 50" television, a racing bike, an iPhone, all sorts of unnecessary stuff while I struggled to afford nappies.

You say he is a great husband but he isn't. A great husband wouldn't treat you this way or have so little respect for you. The fact that he even thinks this is ok proves what an arse he is, I suspect you are probably nervous of him which is why you haven't stood up to him about it before, which suggests there is more to it than just financial abuse.

Somehow you need to take control of this situation otherwise it will never get any better for you. If you are adamant you want to stay (though I don't think you should) then you have to stand up to him and tell him that this is not good enough and not the life you want for you and your kids.

Honestly reading this thread I am most concerned about him having cut you off from your friends, OP. The problem with the money is dreadful, but together with cutting you off from your friends to me indicates an abusive relationship.

You say you have lost self-confidence since you have been with him. A man that loved you would raise your self-confidence, not knock it. A friend of mine is a SAHM and I have known her since before she got together with her husband. She used to be very shy and have very little self-confidence but she has blossomed in the fifteen years they have been together.

Transfer the mat pay and child benefit to your account. I imagine you'll have to transfer some of it to the joint account to pay joint bills but you'll be left with more than £60.

Insist that you are told what your DH earns and then work out a budget that you both have to stick to.

He's being an arse.

Again, thank you for your responses.

I am going to my parent's house today with DD's (DH is working) so I will have a think about what I want to do and what I want to change and discuss it with DH this evening.

I have already decided that I AM going to have the child benefit, so with that £130 a month I should be able to buy things for DD's without 'bothering' DH, beyond that, I don't know...

Spending money on his children is not bothering him. They are his responsibility.

Please do think what you would say to a friend who told you she was in the same position.

It doesn't really resolve much though just siphoning off the CB - he still considers his money to be his own, and thinks you have no right to that whatsoever. I wouldn't be surprised if he argues that you having the CB absolves him of giving you any more of his precious funds. I can't see that his attitude to that will ever change.

Answer me

that is abuse, iw ould leave him, you would be better off as a single mother

what a bastard

so sorry hes treated you like

you deserve better

Sorry posted too soon
Answer me one thing, HOW is he a 'good' husband and father?

I see this comment in threads like this and I really can't get my head around it? A good husband/wife/partner and parent does not see their partner or child go without. They don't make you feel bad for asking for help. They don't put their own needs above everyone else's.

So what is it he does that makes him a good husband and father. I'm not trying to be aggressive here but I see on here and in RL women (more than men) thinking that if he comes home and doesn't beat you or the kids then by default they are 'good'.

OP, post this in Relationships, there are some very knowledgeable people there. This does not sound great, there is a red flag in pretty much every comment you have posted. You have been isolated from friends because he doesn't like them; he makes comments to knock your self confidence; you don't feel comfortable discussing everyday family issues with him, but suffering silence. That does not sound great.

If leaving aside the money issue - are you happy? Do you feel that your DH is adding to your life, making it more pleasant and easier?

If I was you I'd be going back to work to ensure I had some financial independence. Childcare costs can come out of the joint account.

You need to get financially organised - both sit down with bank statements and payslips and set up a system of financial equality

This situation got under my skin so much that I had to join the forum to comment...

Silence, in answer to your very first question...
"DH controlling finances, is it fair?"
ABSOLUTELY NOT.

As much as you seem to want to try and ignore it, he is abusing you. And in more ways than one, at least from the little you've wrote here and without knowing the full extent of your circumstances.

The fact that you think using that measly amount of money to buy necessary items for your childrens' wellbeing as 'bothering' your darling husband should scream loud and clear to you that he is no darling. They are his children too. They are his responsibility too. He is not a footloose, fancy-free teenager anymore that can throw money around without a care and only has himself to think about.

Why are you making all the sacrifices here? If it doesn't make your blood boil that he's behaving in this manner, has treated and is treating you as an inferior ('partner' isn't even a consideration) because he has worn you down so much that you don't believe you deserve anything else or you have tricked yourself into being 'happy' with it, then think about the fact that he's treating your children in this way. He's abusing your children.

You say he's 'a good father' - why? how? Is it because he plays with them/loves them/helps sometimes/doesn't physically hurt them?
He is actively denying them what they need to grow, flourish and live for his own selfish gain.
And that's not even broaching the subject of what he's doing to you.

If that doesn't inspire at least slight indignation, I really don't know what will.

Your kids deserve better. YOU deserve better! And the kids and you deserve a better you. You owe it to them and to yourself. Please.