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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH controlling finances, is it fair?

382 replies

ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 19:36

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' Hmm.

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

OP posts:
fabulousfour · 16/08/2014 20:15

Hes selfish

HermioneWeasley · 16/08/2014 20:16

Is this a wind up? Please tell me it is? Surely no woman who has lived independently would think this is ok and tolerate it even for a minute?

wrapsuperstar · 16/08/2014 20:17

What a

wrapsuperstar · 16/08/2014 20:18

What an utterly miserable existence. Your girls will notice before long, you know. How do you think you will change things?

CookieMonsterIsHot · 16/08/2014 20:18

Have you tried anything to change the situation?

Ludoole · 16/08/2014 20:19

Tell him to only have £60 a month "pocket money".
If thats all he thinks you need then its all he needs too...

chubbyhez · 16/08/2014 20:20

But it's most definitely not a case of you being completely skint and that's all there is for spends?

Obviously not given he's living in comparative luxury.

How awful.

MrsHathaway · 16/08/2014 20:20

You don't know what he earns.

Does the child benefit go into the joint account? That's about £70 a month.

scallopsrgreat · 16/08/2014 20:21

So effectively you pay for the children as well? How on earth is that remotely fair. Why don't you suggest to him that he stays at home with the children and you go work full time and keep all the fucking money for yourself. See how he bloody well likes it.

Sorry for the swearing. I am mad on your behalf.

In fact, no I'm not sorry for the swearing. He bloody well deserves it. Arse.

Purplepoodle · 16/08/2014 20:21

If he can't discuss this with you then you need to address it. Tell dh you need to save for haircuts, childrens clothes ect and you will only be putting £100 a month into the joint account - using the rest for other things so he needs to make up the difference in the joint account. If your getting child benefit make sure that paid into an account in your name. Your letting him be controlling with money by giving him all your wages.

Ideally the fairest thing would be to work out all your bills and outgoings inc food, savings account for haircuts and other spends ect. Add yours and dh wage together deduct the bill costs and any other expenses. Then any money left over should be split and be spending money - perhaps saving a bit for holidays and stuff.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/08/2014 20:21

But your maternity pay, by the rules he is insisting on, is your money! You earned it. It's not for him to take it and spend it on football tickets and beer while your DC don't have enough clothes.

A fair division of family money is as follows whoever earned it. Once the bills are paid and a budget agreed for things like food/travel/cable&internet etc then what's left over is divided equally as 'spending money'. If there's an unexpected or infrequent extra expense eg new shoes for DC or the cooker blows up and you need a new one, you either have a little of the family pot set aside for 'emergencies' or you take it equally out of the 'spending money' and do without takeaways, booze or chocolates for a week or so.

Yes, this is financial abuse. If he won't listen when you try to discuss it with him (and TBH he probably won't. Men who behave like this consider women less than human: more like pets that need to be taught to know their place) then contact WA, get some legal advice, and get rid of him.

HermioneWeasley · 16/08/2014 20:23

Since you have the greater earning potential, why don't you go back to work, he can be a SAHD with £60/month pocket money

BeckyBusto · 16/08/2014 20:23

How did the two of you arrange your finances before you had children?

He is being a prize arse.

I too think you should bill him for childcare, housekeeping, laundry....anything you do for him that enables him to work, or even to save him doing it himself.

pinkyredrose · 16/08/2014 20:27

Hang on does he buy himself a takeaway and eat it in front of you while you have none? Have you at least a rough idea how much he earns?

You should both have the same amount of disposable income a month you're a partnership, at least you're meant to be. He's treating you like a child.

I hope he's got a solid gold cock or something because this is the most awful financial abuse I've heard of in a long time.

AnnieLobeseder · 16/08/2014 20:27

Seriously? He won't buy his own children clothes or food, and would also happily see his own wife and the mother of his children go without clothes while he sit on the sofa scoffing take-aways?

What do you eat when he orders take-aways, OP?

He should be kissing your feet and falling over with gratitude that you have chosen to take a break from your career, sacrificing your own long-term earning potential, in order to give his children what you both feel to be the best start in life by being home with them.

How fucking dare he make you a beggar in your own home.

The only way separate finances work is when both partners earn a similar amount, not when one is raking it in and the other scraping together a low wage or maternity pay.

You should be very, very, very angry, OP. You need to get angry, fast. He is financially abusing you and it's a revolting way to treat the woman he chose to be his partner through life.

pinkyredrose · 16/08/2014 20:28

Oh yeah and I certainly wouldn't be doing any of his laundry, tidying or cooking. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Capitola · 16/08/2014 20:29

He is a monstrous arse.

It's hard to imagine what this must be like, but to me, it looks intolerable.

Access to money is your right, it should be an equal partnership.

CrystalSkulls · 16/08/2014 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShadyMyLady · 16/08/2014 20:33

Yanbu.

Sorry op but it's not right at all, he'a financially abusing you. £60 a month is nothing.

Me and dh don't have joint accounts, I'm a sahm and I have more money than he does! He gets paid weekly and transfers about 90% of it to me. I then pay for all the bills and food with it. Whatever is left over is mine to spend on what I want, and it's a hell of a lot more than what he has, but he couldn't care less as long as he has a little bit for himself. It works for us.

You need to speak to your dh and sort this out asap. What would he say if you asked for more money?

BrianButterfield · 16/08/2014 20:37

I know a couple like this. He spends his money how he pleases on all sorts of utter tat while she's relying on money from friends and family to pay her car tax and for winter coats for the children. He's a twat, btw.

We had a joint account and keep a certain (the same) amount back from our wages for our own spends. The rest goes in the joint account and any surplus goes into savings or on house stuff. Even when I have been on maternity pay I get the same spends but some months have taken money out of the joint account to facilitate this! DH does not begrudge me a penny of it and there is no chance of him living it up while I go without - in fact he would happily give his own (quite meagre) personal spending up for the sake of family things, I have to encourage him to buy stuff for himself sometimes. If we are running low on funds we both feel the pinch and give things up accordingly.

IDontDoIroning · 16/08/2014 20:43

He should be putting aside at least 15% of his wages for the upkeep of his dc as that is what he would be handing over to the CSA.
Plus his share of child care and cooking cleaning etc. £15 a week is a piss take unless of course he earns £100 a week ? Hmm

PersonOfInterest · 16/08/2014 20:48

Every word of what AnnieLobeseder says.

Thanks for putting this so eloquently Annie.

My blood is fucking boiling out how much he's taking advantage of you. Treating you like some piece of shit/slave when you've made the difficult decision (together) for you to stay at home for a while.

deakymom · 16/08/2014 20:48

im a sahm most of the money goes into the joint account however the child benefit goes into my personal account this is used exclusively for the children if there is money left over we use it for treats (if its only £20 or so) i use it mainly to save for kids christmas birthdays back to school etc its not my money or his money ive always used it specifically for the children everything else goes in the pot

Lottiedoubtie · 16/08/2014 20:49

I don't know Lottie as I wouldn't have done it...

Can you articulate why you wouldn't do it?

Why have you accepted this system when it's both crap for you and your DC.

I'm not being snippy I'm just trying to help you think this through for yourself Flowers

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 20:52

Thank you everyone one, reading your replies is making me feel very emotional.

DH went out whilst I was putting DD2 to bed (I'm now back upstairs with her), he brought a KFC and beer for himself and a bottle of wine for me (which I obviously can't really drink as breastfeeding and co sleeping).

I asked him if he would be able to afford to make up the difference to the joint account if I got the child benefit paid directly into my account. He said some months he would. Some he wouldn't.

I got upset and said I wanted to buy DD2 weaning equipment today but did not feel we could afford it and did not understand how he could afford to spend twice what in was going to on food and beer for a day.

He retorted 'oh you don't want your wine then'. I said I would happily take it back for a refund and buy some spoons. He said don't be silly.

He then made me feel bad about trying to control how he spends his money. He says he works hard for it and I should not make him feel bad. I replied I work hard too looking after DDs. He said he looks after them too on his days off.

So I didn't really get anywhere, but thank you for giving me the confidence to confront him.

OP posts: