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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH controlling finances, is it fair?

382 replies

ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 19:36

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' Hmm.

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

OP posts:
Chottie · 17/08/2014 20:39

I have been a SATH, work part time and worked full time at different times in our marriage. But we have always had a joint account and everything is paid into this account and shared.

Your DP is being very unreasonable, you are not a child to be allocated pocket money.

ChasedByBees · 17/08/2014 21:06

He also says it makes him feel nice and good about himself by giving me my spending money and by him having all the other money (his wages) to buy me treats.

So he feels like the 'big man' by using the money which should be rightfully yours and making you feel grateful to him. But he doesn't even but you the 'treats' you want. You need food for your diet for your baby (yours and his baby). You need a bra that fits. You need a weaning kit for your little one and a ballet outfit. When do you get to just buy something without having to think about every penny? Surely that would be worth a thousand 'treats' from your DH.

I think you may have to consider hard line action to shock him out of his passivity. I'd present him with the CSA calculations.

HazleNutt · 17/08/2014 21:07

Just ask him - if you switch and you go to work so he can quit his job, is he happy to live on 60 pound pocket money?

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/08/2014 21:18

He sounds like a real find.
You have a two tear system where hes wants trump your needs and your dd's needs.
He throws money at filling himself with too many calories and then a gym membership to undo the damage, if he didn't indulge in the first he wouldn't need the second.

All the time he begrudges you spending what you need to nourish your baby daughter.

I agree with the poster who said those trying to send you back to work are spectacularly missing the point, why should your dd's miss out on the mother who can bf and provide a better early childhood experience because she has the greater earning potential, they would be being penalised for your success.

When you say He also says it makes him feel nice and good about himself by giving me my spending money and by him having all the other money (his wages) to buy me treats. This makes me feel cringy for you, people feel good about themselves giving to charity too, is he making you a charity case so he can feel like a hero at the expense of your self worth?

greenbananas · 17/08/2014 21:26

Scottish mummy, silence has said many times that she does not want to work right now while her children are small. This is s perfectly valid choice. She has a 5 month old breastfed baby!

Also, good, safe and inclusive childcare for children with severe allergies is not that easy to find (not impossible, just difficult). This baby is much better off with her mum for the time being.

The issue is not about being a sahm, it's about controlling behaviour, cutting off from friends, chipping away at self esteem, not providing free access to the family money to buy basic stuff that silence and the children need (free from food, hairdressers, and so on).

Silence, are you okay? Please don't lose sight of the real issues here, and I am so impressed at how strong you are being at the moment.

Presenting your dh with the csa calculations, maintenance payments etc is not a bad idea, actually. Might give him the kick up the bum he needs.

My husband was emotionally abusive for a while. In the end, once I realised what was happening, I told him that I didn't want to leave him but that I was prepared to leave, even if it meant me and the boys living in total poverty, because I needed to put safe walls around my children - they deserve better than an unhappy home with a controlling dad. He was very angry to start with... but mine is a success story because he did in fact change his ways. We are still together, we are much happier, and although he has had the odd relapse, he is really trying to be the kind of husband and father we need him to be.

I do hope you can work through this. You certainly can't go on as you are. Maybe you really would be better off as a single mum, but I know how scary that feels...

Oh and I hope this doesn't turn into a thread about sahm vs whom - not helpful for you at all, because that's not really the issue here is it?

myroomisatip · 17/08/2014 21:40

I am thinking this has been going on for some time and you have become conditioned to agreeing with your DH, brainwashed.

This is FA and control. It is outrageously unfair and I am speaking after leaving an emotionally, verbally abusive ex who was also physically abusive and threatening and a bully! He was only FA once he knew I was planning my escape.

HE IS BEING ABUSIVE. Get in touch with the CAB and Womens Aid, if you cannot accept what MN advise, get more advice, see a solicitor!

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 21:47

Yes and she'll not be breastfeeding forever,so she can make work plans
She can envisage a life beyond bf,and start planning it.not now but soon(ish)
Bf isn't in itself a reason to not work.people drop feeds adjust schedule around work

scallopsrgreat · 17/08/2014 21:51

This has nothing to do with whether she is a SAHP. It is to do with his attitude and not just towards money from the sounds of his parenting skills.

PortofinoRevisited · 17/08/2014 22:00

Agree - she CAN make back to work plans, but that isn't the issue is it? It is that the OH deprives her of money whilst he feels free to spend as fit. That is the issue that needs sorting NOW. Op can make plans to get back to the workplace, of course, and pribably should as he sounds like a n arse

PortofinoRevisited · 17/08/2014 22:01

Please excuse my typing.

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 22:10

wyrdyBird there's something about the way he is when we are having a discussion / argument that makes me back down.

I feel like I can't argue my point and my opinions are worthless / ridiculous. It hasn't always been like this, I think I changed after the birth of DD1. It was very traumatic and I developed PTSD and PND, whilst I am over it now, the experience has really changed me.

Greengrow Biscuit

chased I never buy anything without thinking about the cost. Can't remember the last time I did. Pre DD1 I guess.

greenbananas thank you for your continued support and wise words. I am doing ok, emotionally drained, but ok.

Re going back to work, I am planning to go back to my part time job in about 2 months. Probably working 3 evenings a week (DH wants me to work 4, I said that's too much for now).

OP posts:
PortofinoRevisited · 17/08/2014 22:15

Will you keep you wages when you go back to work evenings, or will they go in the joint account too??

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 22:17

Ok,so you dont need direct confrontation if its too difficult.but you can decisively act
Tomorrow,You buy the spoons,get dd haircut and buy baby clothes.
You retain all of the mat pay.it is yours,from your employer

You dont necessarily need big fraught discussion.just act
Buy items you need for your children
You retain the smp.its yours

If your mood feels low,see your gp.you dont need to suffer on alone

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 22:19

My wages will go into the joint account. I will keep my tips to spend myself (that's how it worked before).

OP posts:
Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 22:21

I have DH's credit card so tomorrow I am going shopping to buy baby clothes and weaning things. DH also gave me some cash his mum gave him to treat himself (he said he was giving it to me because I made him feel bad about spending money on himself), I will use this to get DD1's haircut in the week.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 22:25

No.change that pronto.you need your own money,he doesn't play fair.joint isnt working
Tomorrow set up an account for your smp,transfer smp to your sole account
I dont understand why you'd want to retain this current arrangement,it makes you unhappy

Bogeyface · 17/08/2014 22:26

My wages will go into the joint account. I will keep my tips to spend myself (that's how it worked before).

So he will have even more disposable income? In effect you will be paying him for the privilege of you going to work!

No, keep your wages to yourself and pay in a proportion. You dont need his permission, he doesnt need yours to keep his wages does he? Get the CB paid to you for the sole use of the kids and pay in say half of your wages to the joint account. I suggest you save as much as you can out of the other half to pay for a solicitor......

Bogeyface · 17/08/2014 22:28

And yes, I think you do need to consider returning to your career earlier than planned. Not to "resolve" this situation but because before very much longer you will be needed the money to support you and your children on your own.

Chippednailvarnish · 17/08/2014 22:36

he said he was giving it to me because I made him feel bad about spending money on himself

Awwww didums. He really knows how to manipulate you doesn't he. Do not pay your salary into the joint account, pay a proportion towards bills and keep the rest for yourself. I would strongly suggest you start saving for a running away fund.

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 22:40

Is the house in joint names?or his name?any other shared assetts?
Re credit cards do not take out any cards in yiur name for him,or his purchases

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 22:46

House is in both names. Car in my name (owned outright). Joint savings.

OP posts:
lallywag · 17/08/2014 22:46

I agree with Bogeyface; when you go back to work you should only pay in a proportion of your wages to the joint account, not all of your wages.

And like Bogeyface has also said, you should see a solicitor too!

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 22:49

lally and bogey I might suggest paying in £110 of my wages each week (as per mat pay) and putting the rest in savings.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 17/08/2014 22:49

Why do your wages go into the joint account but his don't?

lallywag · 17/08/2014 22:52

I wouldn't suggest it, I would simply tell him that that is how it is going to be from now on. Men like him will usually sulk and create a fuss no matter what you do, there's no point in trying to discuss things with him.