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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH controlling finances, is it fair?

382 replies

ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 19:36

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' Hmm.

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

OP posts:
Greengrow · 18/08/2014 10:26

These lessons above all confirm my advice - never give up full time work when children arrive. Seek to outearn your husband. Never rely on men for money no matter how much you might feel you want to or want to be at home.

If you do not know what he earns find his P60s and pay slips and copies of his tax returns for a start.

mumeeee · 18/08/2014 10:32

DH and I do have a joint account which both our wages are paid into. However we both have equal access to it and can buy things for ourselves. If we want an expensive item we will run it buy each other before buying. We also both have savings accounts and neither of us would be expected to buy food from those. So I think you need to sit down with your DH and discuss your finances.

Chunderella · 18/08/2014 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCraicDealer · 18/08/2014 10:45

Agree with Bogey up thread, you should consider going back to work (by which I mean your career) earlier than planned. Your DH's attitudes towards money and your role as a SAHP are engrained. They aren't going to change. In fact he's already belittling your concerns, making tit-for-tat statements.

But let's not feel too bad for you OP- sure doesn't he come home with treats for you, sometimes. Treats you can't have because you're currently EBF his daughter. But at least it makes him feel good, eh?

In a perfect world you'd be able to keep working PT in your wee job, whilst being at home for the girls during the day until the youngest is in school. But I'd worry too much on the effect this extended break from your career would have on your earning potential and ability to re-enter the workplace with ease. If you're in a relationship like the ones PP's have outlined above, that's less of a worry. But you're not. Your girls are going to be more effected by watching their dad wear down their mum during their formative years than they would being in a crèche or having an au pair.

Him giving you a duplicate CC or handing you his 'treat money' from his mother are quick fixes on his part, but they do nothing to resolve the underlying issues. He's not going to change. You need a long-term plan, and honestly, the end game needs to be you being independent of his shit.

Chippednailvarnish · 18/08/2014 10:48

If she's earning she can choose to leave if she wants to, she can rent or buy a property if she wants to, she can even buy a new nursing bra if she wants to as there will be a bigger surplus in the joint account.

A rainy day pot funded from the surplus of £15 a week won't get you anywhere.

Chunderella · 18/08/2014 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 18/08/2014 10:50

Craic makes a good point about your career. How many years will you have been out of it when your youngest starts school? It may not be as easy as you think to get back into it.

Are your skills up to date? Could you do some online/home study to make sure you are still employable in your career as a step towards re-entering?

Also re childcare costs, a CM would be much cheaper than nursery and look into how much a nanny would cost as outside of London they can be significantly cheaper than 2 full time nursery places.

Chippednailvarnish · 18/08/2014 10:52

If she's working she can choose to pay her salary into her own account, she can't do that if hasn't got her own wage coming in.

After all SMP is pretty low, it won't get you very far.

FairPhyllis · 18/08/2014 10:54

I agree you need to consider going back to work early - not because I think it will solve the problems in your marriage, but because you need to maintain your earning power for the event that you split down the line.

If he is this inflexible over money, he will be over other important things and it will eventually drive you apart. Read NumanoidNancy's post over and over.

TypicaLibra · 18/08/2014 11:10

Fucking hell NumanoidNancy, your experience makes for a sobering read.

Agggghast · 18/08/2014 12:00

This thread is very upsetting but I do feel the OP is to a small degree 'assisting' her DH in his behaviour. My. DH was a GP and I am a teacher so he always earned a lot more than me. When our DC were small I didn't work for 7 years, apart from the odd supply day. From early on I started feeling guilty about spending money I hadn't earned and so tried to budget carefully and I also cut down on buying clothes, haircuts etc. when DD1 was about 6 months DH and I had a huge row and he complained that he didn't work hard for me to be counting pennies and devising a thousand ways to cook mince. He then said he would only spend the same amount on himself as I did on myself and it would be my fault if he got struck off for being scruffy!

Once things calmed down he insisted we went for a meal and went through our income and made me see that we could afford steak occasionally! Two weeks later I was in undated with store cards he had applied for in my name so I took the hint and started spending.

On a serious note I do feel the OP also has to abandon the mindset that it is his money and buy the essentials of life. If she is constantly paring expenses down to the bone, extras will seem extravagant. Tell him that 6 weekly visits to the hairdressers, new underwear etc are essential and that if he wants to be seen as the provider then he has to provide a lifestyle that is not penny pinching.

Gen35 · 18/08/2014 12:15

I also think this is more fundamental than him not valuing op's contribution as SAH as he's stated he would then take the chance to work less, and presumably be just as manipulative and controlling about money...and she's also stated several times her desire to SAH when the dc are small, so effectively she could end up still being controlled while also working out the house ft.

Chunderella · 18/08/2014 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

43percentburnt · 18/08/2014 13:41

I agree that you need to do a full budget planner. Income plus outgoings. Average everything over the last three months. It will be enlightening!

Bogeyface · 18/08/2014 15:12

Agghast is right.

If he wants to be the big man provider he needs to actually provide which currently he isnt doing.

I think the only way the OP will get any kind of financial independence is to leave him. But she has been kept down and bullied for so long I think she thinks this is normal.

wannabestressfree · 18/08/2014 16:21

Have just read whole thread and feel so sorry for you... Questions though
Do you have access to accounts? I mean can you look at them? See running costs etc?
It just struck me that you seem to know very little. What if he is in hideous amounts of debt? Or has loads in accounts? Is your savings still there?
I just think cagey people are normally cagey for a reason. I found that out when my home was repossessed even though I had been 'paying my way'.
Can you not do it under the guise of making savings? I mean all accounts (his included) and see what's going on.

scottishmummy · 18/08/2014 18:14

Going back to work won't change him.no.but will change her,financially and in opportunity
Her £15pw pocket money is hardly just in case money.it'll not make difference
A wage she can go ft,overtime,have references,contacts.at home she's given pocket money and disempowered .remember she used to earn equally to Him

Thread is about her,what's she going to do .what options she has

And fundamentally being financially dependent on another adult is risky and precarious.as op knows. If she can break that she should

Presumably they have internet,she can look at her cv.look at opportunities in her field
What's latest in her field,etc

rumbleinthrjungle · 18/08/2014 18:30

Silence this is awful.

Agree completely you need to show him how expensive childcare and csa would be, and very glad you've taken some steps to confront him.

I'd suggest being very wary indeed of letting him give up work. From what you say, I suspect you'd find he wouldn't be a SAHP, he'd see it instead as his time to do with what he wanted, and resent any implication that he should be contributing towards the house, meals, laundry or caring for children.

scottishmummy · 18/08/2014 18:51

But op also needs to stop enabling him,by agreeing to pay her wages into account,by considering herself shortfall
Op can take control by taking her smp back.its her money.do that now
Yes she has an infant,but she can still look for ft work.i know it's not her preference but neither is £60 pm pocket money
She needs to not delay returning ft,based in a preference to be housewife.
Unfortunately,it's not a good set up.its precarious and £60 pm is not a just in case amount

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 18/08/2014 19:16

Typical I could ask him for a full financial disclosure, but I think he will view it as me not trusting him, trying to control him, will end in a row, and I won't get anywhere... So I don't think it's worth the hassle tbh.

He gets bonuses most months, of varying amounts. He'll often say to me 'I'll be getting a good wage next month', but doesn't disclose the amount.

All debit card statement are online, I think CC are paper, but I don't see them, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 18/08/2014 19:18

numanoid your situation sounds truly ghastly, I hope
You manage to get a divorce soon Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 18/08/2014 19:20

chubder my 'income' is £15 a week... Not £150!

I am pretty sure he doesn't have any debt - no big purchases made anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 18/08/2014 19:22

Sorry I am answering over loads of posts, there's been a lot posted since I last posted should post the word post more

wannabe yes I have access to the joint account and savings accounts and DDs savings.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 18/08/2014 19:22

So you have no idea what his salary is,but all of your salary goes in pot?how come?
Come on op,don't be so Avoidant of asking.and retain all your smp.its yours
You don't have preference to work ft I get that.but your situation is intolerable.you need financial safety ent.you'll not get it on pocket money

LittleBearPad · 18/08/2014 19:23

You sound very worn down OP.

You can't be bothered to talk to him about his earning to try to resolve this properly because 'it isn't worth it'. How will your relationship get better?