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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH controlling finances, is it fair?

382 replies

ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 19:36

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' Hmm.

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

OP posts:
Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 19:45

Repayments from his next months wages. I think he pays his CC off in full each month.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 19:47

scottish I have said several times I do not want to go back to work FT whilst DC are so little. When I go back PT I will get an evening job.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 17/08/2014 19:49

So he feels good about giving you pocket money? Bully for him! What about how you feel? He is erasing your feelings all the way along but his feelings are paramount.

I wonder how he is in other areas of your relationship.

Also this returning to work thing and being financially independent. Who would pay for the children? Who would be responsible for looking after the children and seeing to their needs on a daily basis? Would he be expecting that you are still responsible for all that and working full time?

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 19:50

Why not?you're unhappy.he controls finances,your wearing an ill fitting bra?
He said helll stay home?so let him.
You said you earned equally ti him prior to kids?clearly you have skills that can alter your finances

Fairylea · 17/08/2014 19:50

So you don't actually know if or how much debt he has? That's very worrying.

I totally understand that with an ebf baby it's hard to organise and facilitate leisure time but as your little one gets older and starts solids and goes longer between feeds you should consider reclaiming some time just for yourself. If nothing else to reassert your independence to your dh and give him a chance to see how difficult it is being at home with the dc on his own. If he's going to the gym 3 times a week then by rights you could have 3 hour or so breaks a week where he looks after the dc. Even if it's just a coffee in town or a walk round the block with an I pod. .

puntasticusername · 17/08/2014 19:53

OP, ah, I understand now why you are reluctant to do the sums. I get it - it's distasteful when as you say, you are doing the job for love, not money. But it's just a tool, a means to an end, something that might just possibly get through to your DH! It might possibly be one way of talking his language and helping him understand how you feel?

I think what he said about his control of the money, and its ability to make him feel good by allowing him to generously bestow it upon you as and how he sees fit, is very telling and bears further examination. Essentially, he is telling you he gets off on holding that power over you. He loves the fact that he can give or withhold things you and the children need, at his whim.

OP, this is not how things work in a healthy relationship. Equal partners do not seek to obtain, or use such holds over one another. They do not exploit imbalances such as the fact that one party earns much more than the other. They love and respect each other as equal partners. I'm fully aware of the risks of long range Internet diagnoses Grin but really - sorry, but nothing in your posts shows me any evidence that this is how your husband sees you.

I mean, to do it to your wife is one thing, but to do it to your CHILDREN - it's almost beyond my comprehension.

Agree with something scottishmummy said upthread - so, if he says he's happy to become a SAHP he would be happy for you to control all the finance and give him just £60 "pocket money" a month, hmm?

Bollocks would he.

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 19:57

So what is this it?you'll stay home,hope he chucks you extra money?
If hes willing to to give up work,watch kids,let him
Being with children isn't women's work,it not sole preserve of mother.you can let him take it on

Okay,so you have never actually simply taken what you need from the joint ac out
Time to start doing so.items that are for the kids are joint expenditure
Take daughter for haircut tomorrow,and buy some spoons

LittleBearPad · 17/08/2014 20:01

Sorry to harp on but if you'd bought the weaning spoons etc from the joint account then he could have topped it up because he has more money in his own account and if the joint account doesn't meet the necessary expenditure of the family he needs to transfer more to it surely you can see this.

So what are you worried about happening if you spent more money from the joint account?

Doesn't the £20 you're saving a month for a haircut make you sad. That isn't how a marriage/relationship should be!

wyrdyBird · 17/08/2014 20:03

He also made me feel really bad and guilty, said I am questioning him and trying to control him, which is why he does not let me have unrestricted access to the money. He also says it makes him feel nice and good about himself by giving me my spending money and by him having all the other money (his wages) to buy me treats.

This is grim OP.

You're 'questioning him'? Is he your boss? He seems to think so.
You're trying to control him? How exactly?
And that's why he doesn't let you have unrestricted access to the money? In case you control him?? You don't. And if control is bad, why is he doing it to you?
It makes him feel good about himself to give you spending money and buy you treats.
There's so much wrong with that I don't know where to start. He is treating you like a pet. He controls your access to money so that HE feels good. How you feel is neither here nor there: or worse, he likes that you feel restricted and to have to ask permission to buy things.

MrsHathaway · 17/08/2014 20:03

If OP worked ft and H worked 0-60% (say) I have no great expectations that he would be a SAHD in the usual model. I expect he'd need at least one weekday and £50 odd for downtime/hobbies.

I may be being unfair, but I get the impression he dislikes work, rather than wanting to be a SAHP per se.

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 20:04

Without sounding conceited I think I am better as a SAHP than DH would be. I go to groups (DH been a couple of times, hated it, doesn't want to do it again), I do messy play (DH hates the mess), I do crafts (DH doesn't enjoy this), I limit screen time (DH would have TV on 24/7 when in house if he had his own way), I feel a varied diet is important (DH thinks convenience food is fine), I could go on.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 17/08/2014 20:04

I suspect the op thinks that if she spends from the joint account then her dh will not transfer any more money to cover it and then they will end up spiralling into debt. Or am I wrong? Op has said there is only enough money in the joint account to literally cover the bills.

Iflyaway · 17/08/2014 20:05

I am schocked frankly.

He is spending money on frivolous things while you and DC go without essentials.

How did you ever get into such a dynamic?

Never mind how you got into it, just get the hell out of it!
You and DC deserve so much better!

I am a single mum and not always easy (but no life is) but at least I, m my own boss and don, t have to hold up my hand like a child. And I, m a single mum exactly cos I refused to live my life under a controlling bully. Fuck that, who gave him the permission? I definately did not want DS growing up in that.

Wishing you all the best.

BuggersMuddle · 17/08/2014 20:05

OP he really sounds awful. Out for times a week with a tiny baby at home, but you don't get out at all? He really is treating you like a domestic appliance and your DDs will come to see this as normal in time Sad

marmite I could see you point (just about) if the OP wanted non-essentials and her DH provided the non-essentials she wanted. I wouldn't be happy with this scenario, but at least their wouldn't be a fundamental difference in standard of living. If OP wants a haircut, but DH decides she's getting wine, she's still getting non-essentials, but she's being denied the right to prioritise her discretionary spending, while DH gets to say 'oh I treated her'. It's infantilising.

Something else struck me about your later posts OP. He wants you to be financially independent. That in itself seems so inherently reasonable, but what if you couldn't work? I would worry about this man's approach to 'in sickness and in health' to be frank.

LittleBearPad · 17/08/2014 20:05

Oh it's definitely all about him. He sounds like an utter arse.

If OP did go back to work and he quit his job the children would be in childcare before you can sing oranges and lemons.

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 20:08

Yes bear he would have topped the joint with the difference.

And mrs YY re DH would rather be a SAHP than work as opposed to wanting to be a SAHP, where as I want to be a SAHP.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 20:08

^ for now, at least.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 20:09

If he was home hed have to,learn the tasks.its not women's remit.its not rocket science
You seem really resistant to any change regard working,despite you could do so
Really if i were you id be looking at earning salary,getting steady finances

So if you think hell not mind spending,test it out.Tomorrow.buy spoons,get dd haircut

Iflyaway · 17/08/2014 20:10

That, s not an immediate LTB by the way.

Renegogiate the set-up and the skewed dynamics playing out here. Get assertive.
I have a feeling tho he, s not going to give up his top dog position without a struggle, if at all.

wyrdyBird · 17/08/2014 20:12

I'm starting to wonder why he has such ready access to the language of control, and how he knows so much about financial abuse that he was able to discount it straight off the bat, point by point. I'd never heard of FA before MN.

LittleBearPad · 17/08/2014 20:19

Right, so he would top up the account with the necessary funds to avoid an overdraft.

So get spending. Your children need haircuts, weaning spoons etc then buy them and stop letting him treat you like a child with an allowance.

See what happens.

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 20:22

Are you unnecessarily grateful to be housewife,so youll tolerate no money.so long as you're at home

Greengrow · 17/08/2014 20:30

Women who don't work full time bring this on themselves. It never ends well. I earned 10x what my children's father did - it is a much better dynamic. Go forth and emulate it.

EddieStobbart · 17/08/2014 20:33

No way would this guy give up work to be a SAHD, he's just trying to make you feel that you're in really desireable position and you have nothing to complain about. It's another way of undermining the way you feel.

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 20:37

On the contrary,take him up on the househusband.do work,do get separate accounts
For as long as you buy into the notion,that only you can be at home.you'll be in submissive role
Hes the dad,if he cant master simple domestic tasks,and manage on £60 month he can learn