DH controlling finances, is it fair?

[ItWasMyOwnSilence]

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' .

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

Because the amount we both used to pay in when I was FT is more that I now earn, so I pay in all my wages and DH pays in his half plus extra to make up my shortfall.

No.you dont have a shortfall.you no longer work ft. He should proportionately pay more for family items as he earns more

I really think OP that if he was a decent bloke then he wouldn't even entertain the idea that you should have a piddly amount of disposable income, and would just automatically make sure that you both had equal access to the family income.

But as Scottishmummy says you don't have a shortfall. He pays in a percentage of his wages, could be 20%, could be 75%, you have no idea. You pay in 100%.

This isn't fair and you have to stop feeling that you aren't contributing. You are, maybe not as much monetarily as you once did but your contribution financially and in terms if childcare is a valuable as his own.

He's on a good screw here!!!

He making you think you don't know what your talking about!! Making you doubt yourself and thinking "have I got it right here"

Of course he wants you to do more nights, more money in the joint so he can put in less(more for himself thinks he's clever!!! You hadn't twigged)

You keep your wage, so that £136 between the 3 of you £45 mth ea £11 wk
He's got you scrimping and scraping, whilst he just goes and gets his cans , food, gym(how much his his gym a mth ??)

You should not be putting what's left off your money into joint savings!!!
You don't get enough as it is!

It's a very difficult situation when you have one person not divulging their wage, when he knows yours.
He knows exactly what he's doing, there's no way he's going short!!! Of his luxuries.
He's not telling you because he knows you would flip!!!

Tell him you want to see his wage slip every month? If he says no just say what you hiding?

If he tells you, then when you go back to work I suggest you both

First add both wages that month together
After mortgage, food,d/d,petrol
What's left, then get split between you both
You then put say £40 ??? Each into savings for things for DC

What's left after that you each spend on what you want to.

Don't let him treat you like this, he is controlling.

There is no bloody shortfall.
The extra expenses come from the children - his children too and he's paying for them.
The less income comes from having someone taking care of the children. That costs money in the real world. Money you are saving both of you. For two very young children that would easily go upwards of £1000 a month.

He is the one with the shortfall and contributing a lot less to the family than he should.
Selfish prick.

If I said expected H to pay 100% of his income to our bills and I only paid 50% of mine and then gave him £15 a week for himself and our children, would you think that fair?

Genuine question.

Check out the cost of childcare so you know. It will probably be hair raising. Tell him how much it is. It may help him change his mind.

A bit late to the thread but I don't understand why you are dutifully handing over your £110 p/w and putting up with only being given £60pcm. He is treating you like a child. Keep your money, you are entitled to it.

Morning, I posted previously. Have not had chance to read entire thread got to page 10.

It is very interesting that he had bad debt, ccjs etc and you have never had money problems. He feels he is entitled to spend, entitled to items, because he deserves them. These are items that he thinks you could do without.

Joint credit card, means he can check up on your spending still.

He is calling your bluff about being a sahd. Or he thinks sahp do sweet fa. This comment tells you lots about him.

His attitude tells you lots about him.

You mentioned that my dh was lucky several pages ago (food intolerance). As Lweji said, he's not lucky, it's just normal. He has a very tiring job, I get loo breaks and occasionally get to eat lunch. People at work sometimes say lucky him being at home (usually men in front of their wives), I say god no I far prefer being at work, workings the easy option.

Treating you to things you don't need. This is all about him, he uses treats to make him feel better. He enjoys buying you treats, it makes him feel good.

I hate to say it but you are banging your head against a brick wall talking to this man.

Have you any idea what he earns? He appears to want you to think he is poor, I have a feeling he isn't as poor as he makes out.

So he puts some part of his wages into the joint account and spends the rest on treating himself. Do you have any idea what % of his salary actually goes into joint account?

I think that you two need to sit down and make a formal budget. Include everything that you pay out over the course of the year. There is a great 'Statement of Affairs' calculator on Money Saving Expert.

Don't scrimp on it. Include haircuts, clothes (you and DC), baby groups, birthday & Christmas presents, gym fees etc.

Make sure all credit cards are listed and their correct APR.

Once you both know all the outgoings, you then decide what do with the surplus. X amount into joint savings. The rest equally divided between you as fun money for takeaways, coffee etc.

You need to both talk regularly about money and he needs to see this as a family budget.

You need to know his earnings and any debts. He can hopefully get to understand what budgeting is all about.

What's the bottom line?

All family income counts as income for the whole family.

All family expenditure counts as expenditure for the whole family.

Equal allocation of personal spending.

If you are a family.

He is behaving like a dick.

I am a SAHM (going to begin child minding a few days a week soon, though) and I would tell DH to get to fuck!

We do sometimes argue because he thinks the amount of downtime I have isn't fair. I told him his end of the bargain is working, fixing stuff that breaks around the house, and the gardening. Also getting up early on Sundays so I can lie in. Basically every other area is mine. So all he needs to worry about it holding up his end. I'll do mine. As long as I'm doing a decent job, I'll be damned if I'll answer to him about how much time I spent nursing a cup of coffee and messing around on FB.

I'm so sorry, OP. It feels wretched when your contribution to the household is not respected.

Agree with everyone else on the thread, your and his mindset is all wrong here - it's like you're not placing sufficient value on your SAHM role. I'd be quite interested to know how you both agreed that you would be a SAHM - because he seems quite against it now. Did you have to do a lot of persuading, or did he readily agree?

There is definitely no 'shortfall'. You are looking after yours and his kids FFS. However you sorted finances before you had kids is irrelevant now because you are (or should be) a proper team now you have a family.

When my kids were little and I was a SAHM, we pooled everything into one joint account, and both took out what we needed accordingly. I'm not sure that would work in your situation though as it sounds like your DH is not as careful with money as you.

I think stuff like weaning spoons are not an 'extra' they are an essential, so discretionary spending for you and your DH should be allocated AFTER stuff like these costs have been accounted for.

you are being treated like a child. he buys you treats. you can't spend your money with the freedom that most adults can.

this is not an equal relationship.

BOTH of your incomes are family money regardless of whether you are working or not - you should either both have access to all income, pooled in a joint account (that would be my preference) or contribute proportionally to family expenses so that you both have equal spending money.

This link to Moneysavingexpert has budget planners: www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/Budget-planning

Unfortunately, I don't think he will change his mindset. The money he earns is his money. I guess he feels the need to be in control after feeling so out of control when he was in debt? Not that I am excusing it.

It does make me feel very sad that he doesn't see my role as a SAHP as such a worthwhile one as working. I did a quick calculation, and full time nursery fees for both DD's would be approx £400 a week, so about £1800 a month, if DH were to pay half that's £900 a month - more than he is putting in the joint account to pay my 'shortfall' (I know it's not a shortfall, just calling it this for arguments sake).

I'm off the the local city soon to buy clothes and (hopefully) bras with DH credit card.

jenny thank you for the link, I will have a look at that later.

That's why working out a family budget can help you both feel in control and know that you are a team where money is concerned. Why does he get to feel secure at your expense?

Did I see upthread that you don't know how much he earns?

Does he get bonuses as well?

Do you get to see the credit card statement(s) every month?

Could you ask him for full financial disclosure (maybe don't word it quite like that!) so as to put it all into a spreadsheet. You can input all your monthly incomings - his salary, child benefit, tax credits if applicable, everything. Then detail rent/mortgage, and ALL fixed outgoings, make a budget for stuff like food and other essentials (nappies, weaning spoons etc), work out what surplus there is, and DIVIDE IT EQUALLY.

It gives me the rage to think that he turns up with bottles of wine as a 'treat' when there's so much you're going without, it's so wrong.

Good luck on moving forward with this.

He's abusing you, he controls everything - where you can go, what you eat, who you see, how you look, it's all down to how much cash he "lets" you have.

It's got nothing to do with previously having debt. Get back to work and start asserting yourself.

Going back to work doesn't solve the fundamental issue of his attitude though (leaving aside the fact that OP already has her plan for future work).

All that does is paper over the cracks. The cracks need to be filled in to make their relationship secure. For that, finances / budget needs to be transparent. Otherwise it shows that he doesn't trust OP, or want her to be an equal.

Really sorry you are going through this OP. I'm afraid it all sounds very familiar. You are right that it is not the extreme financial abuse situation that many people sadly find themselves in but it IS indicative of a very old-fashioned and restrictive mindset that has to be strongly challenged now before things get worse.

In my own case my ex-dh and I were always earning similar amounts, neither had debts or credit cards, both financially independent, took it in turns to pay for expensive things etc and I was always very proud of the fact we were so equitable and never argued over money. Then when we adopted our daughter the plans to share child care (so we would both retain our jobs by going part time temporarily) went out of the window. Apparently it just 'wasn't what men did'. He didn't value my need for independence at all, his role as 'provider' trumped all. I figured it wouldn't last for ever so went on adoption leave and got on with it. During that period I used my savings and the adoption leave to pay for all the bills, food etc just as I had always done but when it became apparent my daughter would need me at home for longer I had to resign and pay it all back. Then things got really hard. The next year and a half was the most progressively broke I have ever been in my life. My ex didn't want to give any regular financial 'housekeeping' as a direct transfer to my account, so every few weeks I would end up more or less begging him to give me some money. At one point we were living on jacket potatoes and baked beans or soup several days a week because I had nothing in my account. I even sold some stuff to get a bit more cash. At the time he was a secondary school head of dept with an added army pension of £500 a month and several savings accounts. I had at least made sure the child benefit went to my account although it was registered in his name (which I had to later change).

It was mortifying and humiliating and like you I felt bad for making a fuss, every month I asked for the money he would say 'already?' As if I was being profligate when in reality I was anything but.

Several years on I can't get a divorce because he will not agree any sort of remotely fair financial settlement. He also tells our daughter that he bought the house etc, that effectively I am a thief by staying in the house with her. There is absolutely no way I would have believed you if you had told me I would be in this situation or that he would behave this way. I have been very naive and not protected myself anywhere near enough. Please make sure you keep all financial records you already have and any over the next few years very very safe, keep notes of the situation now etc. There may come a time when you are coming up to court as I am wishing like hell that you had still got bank statements from 15 years ago etc.