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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about dss wedding?

243 replies

Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 14/08/2014 21:06

Hiya, this is my first AIBU, do and I have been together for 9 yrs, we have ds1 13 (from my previous relationship) and ds2 4, also dss 23 from dp previous relationship.
Anyway dss is getting married and has invited dp, myself and ds2 to the full wedding but ds1 only to the evening do. So AIBU to say that we either all of us go or none of us go as I'm not prepared for ds1 to be excluded.
Dp is furious with me for trying to make him miss his eldest sons wedding, but I think he should be making a stand with me on this one.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 16/08/2014 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 20:00

I know need, he's taking it out on a child, mabey he's angry at op for coming between him and his dad when they were getting to know each other again. But as an adult you have to rise above that.

sesamstrasse · 16/08/2014 20:00

Mum of - are they only invited to the evening or the full do?

Oh no I don't think going and just leaving your ds1 with someone would be appropriate, I meant if you both didn't go, I presumed you wouldn't be bothered about missing the ceremony with ds1 because you had problems in past with dss. Has your dp asked your dss why ds1 is not invited to main thing? Is he badly behaved ? I imagine not though as otherwise that would have been mentioned before.

I can understand a step mother not seeing her sc the same as her other family in a way, but I do think the step mum/dad CHOOSES to have those step children by starting the relationship in the first place so a bit different!

Maybe he just wants one day with the people he sees as his family, the ds1 whether intentionally or not got that when the dss didn't for whatever reason, it's childish but it is valid for him to feel like it!

sesamstrasse · 16/08/2014 20:01

I meant are dss' gf step family invited to whole do or just evening *

needaholidaynow · 16/08/2014 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

outtolunchagain · 16/08/2014 22:31

Sesamstrasse the OP has already posted that her dp has asked the dss . Basically he said the numbers are tight and it's immediate family only , although that seems to include his partners step sibling so it seems very pointed .

She has also stated that ds2 is invited to the whole event but ds1 to just the evening

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/08/2014 23:56

"I do only have 2 sons. I don't consider myself to be dss mother because he already has a mother."

I wonder of this has rubbed off on the op's eldest? If this is her attitude its no wonder that they haven't formed a bond in 9 yrs.

SallyMcgally · 17/08/2014 00:19

And if it were otherwise she'd be accused of being grossly insensitive to her DSS's 'real' mother etc etc. apart from which, you can't mother someone who makes it abundantly clear that they don't want to be mothered by you. In those circs sometimes the kindest thing is to back off.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2014 00:57

Boney you cannot waltz in and be a mother to somebody who has a mother, and somebody who clearly does not like you and want you to! Any decent step parent respects that dss or dsd already has a mum and would never think of replacing her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/08/2014 00:59

there is nothing the thread (that I can see) that makes it abundantly clear that the Dss didn't want to be *mothered" step or otherwise by the OP.

This level of resentment hasn't materialised overnight and I doubt very much (by the OP's posts) that it was all a one way street.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/08/2014 01:00

Aero

I am not saying that at all. But there has been 9 years in some of which the OP will have been the only "adult" in her and her Dss relationship.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2014 01:02

Boney I don't think you understand, mabey he did not want to be mothered by her, after all he has a mother to do that, op can form a different bond with him. But mabey he did nit want to, and she has to step back and respect that.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2014 01:04

He was 13/14 years when tgey met, not 4/5 where you might bond more easily. He was starting to get to know his dad again when he met op. Mabey he blames her for disrupting things.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/08/2014 01:06

"op can form a different bond with him. But mabey he did nit want to, and she has to step back and respect that."

This is partly what I am trying to say, But I am also saying that if the OP has backed off then "her eldest" will take his lead from her.

The OP has said a fair bit about "family unit" but it is (too me) fairly clear that she doesn't (always) include her Dss in that unit.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/08/2014 01:11

Aero

Maybe he does.

He was a similar age to that of the OP's eldest child, maybe he sees his dad as having played "happy families" with the op's eldest, maybe the op went on about what they had done without him and what they were going to do with out him in the next few weeks and if the eldest is saying these things as well!

He may well believe that he was being excluded from a family life.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2014 01:15

Yes because dsss does not live with op and his dad, he probably lives with his mother. It is said by op that his mother did poison his mind against his dad and they were getting to know each other again when he met op. It would be highly inappropriate for op to muscle in and try and be a mother to a teen who already has one. I don't know how welcome she made him feel, or if she made him feel, included in the family unit. Only she can answer that on here.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2014 01:17

Op ds would have been 4 when they met, and dsss13 I think.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/08/2014 01:32

"It is said by op that his mother did poison his mind against his dad"

She didn't she posted

"and I think dss was mind was kind of poisoned about his dad."

"I don't know how welcome she made him feel, or if she made him feel, included in the family unit. Only she can answer that on here."

She wouldn't be able to answer that as they are not her feelings that she is talking about.

She also posted
"but he's never been that bothered about seeing us."

So maybe he has never felt welcome

Then followed up by
"He just seems to harbour resentment towards my eldest son for some reason."

Is the OP's eldest the golden child?
Has the Dss been made to feel scapegoated?
Has the OP's eldest picked on the dss?

It could be that the Dss is scapegoating the op's eldest.
Or as a radicle thought maybe the Dss and Ds just don't like each other.

I should point out that I don't think that the DSS is particularly right in this but I also thing that there is a whole lot more than we (an possibly the OP) knows.

SallyMcgally · 17/08/2014 01:40

Well of course there's far more than we or the OP know in the way her DSS feels. Of course her DSS has been hurt. But being hurt doesn't make it ok to treat another kid so badly especially when you're an adult. And there's no evidence that the OP has actually done anything wrong apart from exist. All this dark speculation about why he resents her is ridiculous. Lots of DSCs resent their parents' partners simply for existing. Just because we can't know the full story is no reason to think that maybe she did this, or said that.

MagicMojito · 17/08/2014 01:45

I can see why it stings for you but I think yabu. Your son is in no way related to the groom. He was near enough adult when you and his dad got togeather, you have only really been invited as a courtesy to his dad (sorry, no offense Blush )

I also think ywbu to not let the grooms actual sibling attend the wedding, especially if your ds wants to go and even more so if your dp wants him to attend.

It's a shitty situation, but blended families will almost always have these type of issues cropping up at events like this. I do feel kinda awful for your son though OP. The Christmas thing is SO unreasonable. Swine.

slithytove · 17/08/2014 01:50

Has the OP's eldest picked on the dss?

This is a joke right? How many 4 year olds do you hear of who 'pick on' 14 year olds?

There are ten years between them. anything negative in their relationship can't possibly be the younger boys fault. Chances are it's down to DP as the dad actually. But that does not mean that DS (13) should now be excluded.

Babiecakes11 · 17/08/2014 02:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nocoolnamesleft · 17/08/2014 03:30

I wonder who stuck up for the dss when he was the 13 yr old who felt excluded and pushed out (and not just for one day)? And no, that wasn't ds1's fault. But it really sounds like that was what sewed the seeds that are being reaped now. Yes, an adult should behave better. But doesn't that also apply with bells on to the dp when his ds was still only a kid?

slithytove · 17/08/2014 05:14

Most definitely.

None of which justifies this mistreatment of a child.
2 wrongs etc.
DSS seems to be being vindictive, and if the behaviour is justified, which we don't know, it is certainly being directed at the wrong person.

slithytove · 17/08/2014 05:15

And it doesn't sound like it's one day btw, from what OP says it's Christmases too, and for all we know, this is just the icing on a shitty cake of exclusion of DS by DSS.