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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about dss wedding?

243 replies

Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 14/08/2014 21:06

Hiya, this is my first AIBU, do and I have been together for 9 yrs, we have ds1 13 (from my previous relationship) and ds2 4, also dss 23 from dp previous relationship.
Anyway dss is getting married and has invited dp, myself and ds2 to the full wedding but ds1 only to the evening do. So AIBU to say that we either all of us go or none of us go as I'm not prepared for ds1 to be excluded.
Dp is furious with me for trying to make him miss his eldest sons wedding, but I think he should be making a stand with me on this one.

OP posts:
sesamstrasse · 16/08/2014 13:22

Op, why don't you finally enlighten us on why dss didn't see his dad when his dad was being a dad to your son.

Why is this question being avoided!!! Confused

Pumpkinpositive · 16/08/2014 13:32

It never ceases to amaze me, the arrogance of adults who try to force a blended family onto their children. You are complaining about his attitude but what about yours? Why should he invite his fathers wifes son to an immediate family only occasion?

He invited his father's wife. She's not "family" either. Your position would be more intelligible if he'd left both step mum and step bro off the guest list. Poor kid.

OP, I think the path you're doing the right taking both boys to the evening reception. Maybe if/when SS has kids of his own, his attitude will change. Thanks

HabitualHobbyist · 16/08/2014 13:52

Apologies if someone has already suggested this (but trying to skim read post with a 6mo who is demanding constant attention).

Does your DSS have other step/half siblings on his DM's side? Does his future DW have step/half siblings? If so, they may have applied a general rule to all step siblings if numbers are an issue? Still not good form where these are still children, but it may not be a point they're trying to make to you.

OwlCapone · 16/08/2014 14:20

I'd like to hear the step son's version of this.

nocoolnamesleft · 16/08/2014 14:59

I don't think the dss sees the ds1 as nothing to him. I think on the inside the dss is still a hurt kid screaming that he's the interloper that stole his dad. That isn't fair on ds1. But your description of the history of this hasn't exactly been fair on the kid that dss was. I actually wonder of this is his way of testing your dp: to see whether, just for once in his life, he gets to be put ahead of someone with whom neither he nor his dad share ties of blood.

It isn't nice. It isn't very grownup. But it is very human.

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/08/2014 16:09

Thank you all for your replies, I'm trying to remember all of your questions. I don't really know why dp didn't see much of dss when he was younger, dp and his wife's split wasn't very amicable and I think dss was mind was kind of poisoned about his dad. They were just getting to know each other again properly when dp and I met.

As for me saying I only have 2 sons, I do only have 2 sons. I don't consider myself to be dss mother because he already has a mother. The same as my ds1 doesn't call dp Dad, he already has a Dad who loves very much and spends a lot of time with.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 16/08/2014 17:13

Hi MumofTwo, my question was whether you & DP are married? I think your DSS is being spiteful (and probably trying to make it so you don't go either), but if you are not married then your DS1 is not his step-brother & you are not his step-mother, even if you do live with his father. I don't think you should punish your DS2 by not allowing him to go to his brother's wedding with DP because DSS is trying to hurt you through DS1.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 17:46

I don't think she is punishing ds2, he is 4 and would not be that aware really. It's only right both brothers go together.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 18:02

The main thing is that his father is there

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/08/2014 18:09

No dp and i aren't married, we have been asked to contribute to the wedding, we are paying for the band in the evening, everyone is paying for their own meal during the day.

OP posts:
owlbegoing · 16/08/2014 18:14

I admit to not RTFT but the first point that comes to mind is by you and your ds1 not going to the whole thing won't that mean that you'd not be in the photos? I'm guessing that is precisely what your dss wants!
Also what is happening about food? Will there be a formal setting where the parents of the b&g would be at the top table? Would you be relegated to one of the other tables?

slithytove · 16/08/2014 18:18

Yes, don't forget that the 4 year old DS is as much the brother of the 13 year old as the 23 year old.

And will DP want to be corralling a 4 year old on his own for a few hours?

I think the solution you have come to is best.

And as for spending family money on this (as opposed to just DP's money) Hmm well it seems as though you and DSS are family when it suits him doesn't it!

Would DP expect your DS (13) to invite DSS (23) to his events?
Will DSS expect presents etc from you for any children he might have?

You know, I'd be tempted to take a massive step back and just be DP's girlfriend. Let them have their own relationship. Petty perhaps but I think DSS has drawn a line.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 18:40

My goodness so you are contributing and paying your own meal too Shock, so that excuse about numbers is pretty lame, if ds13 was invited you would be paying his meal. Dss13 just does not want him there, he couldent really well nit invite him as it would look bad. I totally agree Slithy your ok when it suits him! Yes your solution of going later with both boys is the best! Not only are you going to provide your presence, but you are also making a point to him, that it's not acceptable to leave one child out like that!

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/08/2014 18:49

I know it seems as though dp is just enabling dss to leave ds1 to be this way, but I think he is just afraid to rock the boat with dss.

OP posts:
DoTheStrand · 16/08/2014 18:50

These ideas that you're not a stepmum but just the dad's girlfriend if you are not married (even if you've lived together for years), or that only blood ties count, are really unpleasant and I can't imagine them being acceptable in any other family scenario in the 21st century.

And whoever said that the OP's username doesn't include her stepchildren, I have two small boys and am stepmum to two young men. I say I am mum of two and I often include that I am stepmum of two, but if I don't happen to mention them in the same breath it doesn't signify anything. It doesn't mean we don't get on, or love/care about each other, or consider we are not part of each other's family.

I didn't have children when I met DH but if I had, and one if my DSSs tried to pull a stunt like this, there certainly wouldn't be a financial contribution from us and my little boys with DH would not have gone to the daytime bits of the wedding.

OP it sounds as if you've settled on the most acceptable way to deal with this situation, good luck.

lizhow14 · 16/08/2014 18:52

Never heard of a wedding where you pay for yourself Hmm At first I was thinking 'is it a money thing and they are only having close family children?' but it clearly isn't and he is making a point (albeit a cruel one) that your son (and probably you) are not apart of his family. Sounds like a tight arsed twat. I would do as others have suggested and go to evening do with your son to show your face....it would piss me off to PAY to go to a wedding in these circumstances.

needaholidaynow · 16/08/2014 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 19:18

Why need? Which ones?

needaholidaynow · 16/08/2014 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slithytove · 16/08/2014 19:26

It is depressing.

Married or not she is his brothers mum. Should count for something.

sesamstrasse · 16/08/2014 19:29

When I said op had two sons and her name was referring to those I didn't mean that meant she didn't care about dss, I was just clarifying for someone who thought she meant her dss and a son by her username.

I think op paying for the band is a bit irrelevant as I imagine her and dp's money is family money so there isn't a seperate pot for dp to pay towards his sons wedding if that makes sense so I'm not sure that's a good argument!

I can see why your dss would feel very excluded by his dad playing happy fams with you and not seeing him very much. I think you should accept that his resentment is valid and a human reaction to that. It probably wasn't nice for him to see, from that I would still say let him have his ds there he obviously has family issues whether or not they were your 'fault' but they did happen/were probably magnified when you came into the picture. But if you think it's right to keep both ds' there you may be making him feel even more cut out. I know your ds1 will be cut out but i think the point is that your dss wants one day to have what he sees as his blood family to himself without your ds (and maybe even you as a result) there. Not saying it's right but I understand and think it would be nice to just let him have it after how he obviously feels about the past.

I would just give him this one after all that and then after the wedding ask dp to speak to him and get to the bottom of it. Perhaps counselling with his son?

Do you know the reasons that ds1 wasn't invited ? Has anyone asked dss?

I think pp made a good point, will he or gf have other step brothers / sisters to invite that they're only having at evening? Do you know how many people are going to ceremony and reception? Is wedding very small?

sesamstrasse · 16/08/2014 19:32

I don't think it's so much the 'blood' I think it may be that he doesn't see op's ds as his family as he was cut out of op, his dads and ds1's lives for a while so doesn't see them as family due to that, and perhaps blames him for that. It is hard to see your father be a dad to someone else if you're his son I'm sure.

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 16/08/2014 19:35

Dss partners step brother and niece are also invited. I understand why people thing I should allow da2 to attend but I can't stand the thought of u all getting dolled up for the wedding and then packing my other son off to my parents for the day instead of joining us, I just can't do it.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 16/08/2014 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 19:39

It is need very sad, I have been lambasted on here for speaking about it. He is part of that family unit, all who have been invited except him. It's just unacceptable, and the way he's treated at Christmas by dsss. Op how else is ds1 treated by dss? He is part of that family like it or not and should be included with his brother in the day celebrations, it's the decent thing to do. Some of those in support of this unequal treatment don't sound very good. Of course op can't stop her partner from attending his sons wedding, but she can make a stand by bringing both boys together.