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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about dss wedding?

243 replies

Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 14/08/2014 21:06

Hiya, this is my first AIBU, do and I have been together for 9 yrs, we have ds1 13 (from my previous relationship) and ds2 4, also dss 23 from dp previous relationship.
Anyway dss is getting married and has invited dp, myself and ds2 to the full wedding but ds1 only to the evening do. So AIBU to say that we either all of us go or none of us go as I'm not prepared for ds1 to be excluded.
Dp is furious with me for trying to make him miss his eldest sons wedding, but I think he should be making a stand with me on this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 14/08/2014 21:37

Yes ds1 and I are just going to follow on in the evening, because I wouldn't want to make a fuss in front of spa family who I actually get on really well with.

It just hurts a bit because I feel we should all be going together.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/08/2014 21:38

But the youngest is not just the OP's child Tutt

SallyMcgally · 14/08/2014 21:40

Your DSS sounds a piece of work. Horrible to give one child a present and not the other. I would refuse the invitation on my own behalf and leave DP to do as he pleases ( though I think DP could say to DSS that that's a pretty shabby way to behave.)

slithytove · 14/08/2014 21:40

Would your DH expect his eldest to be invited to family events on your side? E.g. Your eldests wedding, your parents party etc?

Personally I would just tell DH that you, and your two boys won't be attending, but thank DSS for the thought.

I think his manners are awful and if it was reversed, mn would be up in arms screaming groomzilla. He has known your son since he was 4 :(

slithytove · 14/08/2014 21:43

Just imagine it!

Aibu to not invite my step brother (13) to my wedding ceremony. My half brother (4) is invited. It is a small wedding, and I have known my SB for 9 years.

I would be appalled if one of my kids thought this was appropriate. And the present thing is very very hurtful. Your DS isn't at fault for anything to do with DSS's parents not being together, or him not getting on with you etc.

poppadompete · 14/08/2014 21:44

what are the reasons he dislikes you? Hmm

Oldraver · 14/08/2014 21:47

I would offer for your DS1 to go in your place if its just a question of numbers

BlinkAndMiss · 14/08/2014 21:47

I don't think insisting that your DH misses the wedding is the way forward. You mentioned that you and DSS don't always get on and that would just exacerbate that with the finger being pointed at you for being at fault.

Your DH needs to speak to DSS about why they have excluded DS from the wedding, it might be the case that he doesn't want to go but that just isn't the point. I'd be furious and I can understand why you'd want to say something but I don't think you should, you need to keep emotions out of it as if DSS is trying to cause a problem he may just dig his heels in.

YANBU to feel that it's unusual and unfair, I don't understand why anyone would do this. Does DS have form for being 'difficult' in family situations? It's not like he's a toddler who would be running around during the ceremony. I think the fact that it's a small wedding really makes it worse.

gamerchick · 14/08/2014 21:48

Personally I would send my bloke in ahead alone and join him with both my kids on the evening. In another world I would send the youngest with my dude but with what you've said I would keep the youngest with me.

But if this were me in real life I would send my bloke on alone for the whole thing and say a big FU. Then plan a nice day for both my kids.

LadyLuck10 · 14/08/2014 21:48

Oh gosh op your dss sounds like a real shit. Who excludes a child, they might have not grown up together but he's known him for 9 years!
I would be very hurt, and be very disappointed and upset with my DH if he thought this was any way acceptable. How is he ok with this??
What do they expect you to do with your DS during the ceremony. I wouldn't bother going at all.

EverythingCounts · 14/08/2014 21:52

Appallingly ungracious on your DSS's part to leave your DS1 out. What sort of person uses their own wedding to point score over their stepmum and a 13 year old boy? Someone who's not mature enough to get married, that's who. And I do think your DP should be saying to his son : 'it's your decision but I am very disappointed that you've done this', at least.

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 14/08/2014 21:53

I don't know why dss doesn't like me. Before dp and I got together he was single for years (apart from the odd one night stand), then we got together and he became a kind of stepdad to my son, maybe he resent me, I don't know.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 14/08/2014 21:54

It sounds to me as though it would be easier for everyone if you and your DS went to the evening do but you were invited to main wedding out of 'politeness'.

As you say, just go to evening do and act gracefully from now on. You can't 'win' in a situation like this.

Waltermittythesequel · 14/08/2014 21:54

I would send dh off with my blessing, since it's his son.

But I honestly think I'd stay away.

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2014 21:54

gamerchick, while you're busy sending people places, is there any room there for what your DP might want to do? Grin

HaroldLloyd · 14/08/2014 21:55

Going to the evening do is the magnanimous thing to do and your son won't know that he's been left out.

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2014 21:56

I don't know why dss doesn't like me. Before dp and I got together he was single for years (apart from the odd one night stand), then we got together and he became a kind of stepdad to my son, maybe he resent me, I don't know.

You also said earlier that your DP didn't see much of his son for a while, so maybe that was like a kick in the gut to him?

Obviously he shouldn't be taking it out on you or your son though

His problem is with his Dad and why he didn't want to see him.

picnicbasketcase · 14/08/2014 21:58

I wouldn't be going and neither would the two children, if it were me, tbh. Your DH obviously wants to and should go, but your DSS shouldn't just choose him and your younger son out of all of you. How spiteful that after such a long time he would exclude his step brother.

WooWooOwl · 14/08/2014 21:59

Clearly you were unreasonable to expect you DP to 'make a stand' by missing his sons wedding, but you've got that and have hopefully apologised to your DP for saying that by now. It's not his fault that his son didn't invite your ds.

In your position, I'd stay away completely and organise something fun just for you and your ds that day.

gamerchick · 14/08/2014 22:01

Nope not when it comes to being a dick to one of my kids. Besides my husband would be right behind me as he treats my kids like his own Grin

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2014 22:05

Fair enough so you wouldn't be sending your DP, he'd be doing it of his own accord gamerchick Wink

Pyjamaramadrama · 14/08/2014 22:08

I think that it's really horrible to not invite your ds. However he feels, if he's invited dp, you and younger ds, he shouldn't exclude one.

I don't know what best to say to do. Obviously your dp has to go. Perhaps it's best for you and the two ds to just go to the evening.

What does your dp think to it all?

Littleroobe · 14/08/2014 22:11

I'm going to get totally flamed for this but trying to see it from both sides.

It's sounds to me like in DSS mind DS2 is his brother but DS1 is nothing to do with him (which technically he isn't no matter how long you've been together.) So he's invited his dad and DS2 because they are his family and you because he has to for his dad.

I actually think your BU to tell DH he can't go and I'd also think it would BU if you wouldn't let him take DS2 either.

I think if it was me I'd encourage DH to go in the day with DS2 and I'd go to the evening with DS1 for an hour to show my face using the excuse DS 2 needs to go to bed. Mainly because I know if the situation was reversed I'd like my DH to turn up for a short while.

Ronmione · 14/08/2014 22:12

Sounds like you dss is playing games, Ihe doesn't want you there. And he wants you to fly off the handle, then he can act all innocent. Manipulating twat.

Play him at his own game and maintain a dignified silence.

gamerchick · 14/08/2014 22:31

It's easier to stay send than do the long winded mouthful you're getting at hinny Wink

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