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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about dss wedding?

243 replies

Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 14/08/2014 21:06

Hiya, this is my first AIBU, do and I have been together for 9 yrs, we have ds1 13 (from my previous relationship) and ds2 4, also dss 23 from dp previous relationship.
Anyway dss is getting married and has invited dp, myself and ds2 to the full wedding but ds1 only to the evening do. So AIBU to say that we either all of us go or none of us go as I'm not prepared for ds1 to be excluded.
Dp is furious with me for trying to make him miss his eldest sons wedding, but I think he should be making a stand with me on this one.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 00:12

I totally disagree with grocklebox, and poppadom, you do not treat a child like that it's not op ds fault a grown adult has a grudge against a child who has done no wrong. It is very rude what dss has done, so who will look after op ds, will they go and collect him for the evening. It's all designed to exclude ds. An adult can make their way to an evening do, a child cannot!

Dss treats op ds very badly at Christmas, not getting him a present, and tge others, that is not on. They could get him a token present fgs! Dss is a grown adult not a child!

YouTheCat · 16/08/2014 00:15

Totally agree, Aero.

poppadompete · 16/08/2014 00:39

i meant why doesnt op stay home with her ds1 as she obviously doesnt want to go and she's said her and her dss have issues anyway. that way there's less drama, dh/ds can go and op/ds1 can do something else. op and her son are not her dss family in his eyes, you can't just decide you're someones family if you're not and they don't want you to be.

i don't know why the dss half brother can't go because op's ds isn't invited - equally it's not his fault ds1 wasn't invited, let him go with his dad to his brother's wedding… surely that makes the most sense? and then either ds1 and op don't go or just go in the evening? i don't understand why this isn't the logical solution!

op still hasn't said why dss didnt see his father yet... i have agreed that the its out of order wrt the presents, i just think there MUST be a reason for the dss' behaviour. if op's dp is playing happy families with ds1 while he isn't doing the same with his son i think that might be relevant, if op was prepared to ban her dh from his own son's wedding i don't get the impression she would have been particularly welcoming either...

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 00:43

I think op gas reached a good conclusion, she us going in the evening with both sons, that way her dp dss father can be there.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 00:44

Whatever grudge dss has against his father, it is not op ds fault!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 00:50

Op ds2 is only 4, he might not make it in tge evening as he probably be too tired

sesamstrasse · 16/08/2014 01:05

I don't think it's fair to let DS2 miss the day bit / pictures if he might be too tired for the evening. I know he's only four but it's not his fault that there's family drama either and I don't think it's fair to stop him going with DP, it is his brother's wedding regardless. I would just let DP take DS2 rather than making it worse.

RedPony · 16/08/2014 03:18

I'm struggling to understand how so many people find it acceptable to leave a 13 year old boy out of such a big family occasion! And yes ds1 is family! Just because ds1 is not blood related to dss it does not mean dss (who is more than old enough to know better!!) should exclude the poor boy :(
One extra child is hardly going to make a small wedding into a big one is it? And just because ds1 is there it does not mean he has to be in all the photos either. When i went to FIL's wedding I was in two professional photos and one of them was just me and DP, the other was the whole family.
OP I think your dss is behaving disgustingly and I think you are doing the right thing by staying at home with both children. Thanks for you and ds1

musicalendorphins2 · 16/08/2014 04:26

I assume your husband is not helping pay for the wedding? I would do what you are doing, and attend the evening part of the wedding with both of your sons.

The Christmas gift exclusion would have only happened once in our home. It is gifts for all kids, or a group gift to be shared, or none.

SquinkiesRule · 16/08/2014 07:26

Ds1 is family he's the Dss's step brother whether he likes it or not. But the OP's Dh going to the wedding and the OP taking the boys to the evening do sounds like the best idea. It still makes Dss look spitefull.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 08:14

I agree Redpony Dss is an adult and old enough to know much better, ds is still a child. I think dss is doing this out of spite, rather than numbers what a lame excuse. This goes by how he treats ds at Christmas. He does not have to be in the family photos. Op solution of going in the evening with both boys is good.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 08:21

The main thing is dp goes during the day, and op comes later with both boys

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 08:47

Yes it is his wedding he can do what he wants etc, but not when it means treating someone like rubbish, especially a child, that is wrong. It is only right dp goes to his ds day, and op go later with both brothers, both brothers arrive together. Yes op ds will notice why his brother is there and he is not when he arrives later on.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 08:48

So that is why op should take both boys later. Why us dsss feelings and adult more important that a child's!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 09:26

Inviting all but 1 child in the day is not on! You would not do that for a school party why is it acceptable here!

BolshierAyraStark · 16/08/2014 09:39

Your 'd'ss sounds like a knob, an immature one at that.

You've reached a good conclusion though it's really out of order the way he treats your son & I'd be speaking to your DP to get this addressed.
The Christmas thing is simple, if it happens again this year simply hand the gift for the youngest back & say no thanks-gifts for all or gifts for non you childish wanker

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 09:46

To invite all but 1 child from the family unit is disgusting. Ds sees his brother and step dad and mum getting ready and wonders why he's not going. Is not on! Yes totally agree bolshy, tell dp that if he does not get your ds a present for Christmas, you will be handing your youngest one back to him saying you get for all children or none at all!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 09:47

Tell dp that if dss does not get your ds a present was meant to be

PorkPieandPickle · 16/08/2014 09:58

I agree with redpony and squinkiesrule, why on earth is anyone saying that dss and ds1 aren't related or anything to do with each other?!

Whether dss likes it or not, they are stepbrothers. He can sadly choose to place little value on that relationship, and prioritise his relationship with his half-brother, but he can't pretend that his stepbrother doesn't exist so his wedding photos are tidier!

YANBU to feel hurt OP. I agree with just go in the evening with your boys so that ds1 and ds2 feel equal.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 10:05

Whether related or not, you just do not do what he's doing! Invite all but one child of a family unit to your wedding, not on.

Alisvolatpropiis · 16/08/2014 10:09

I think you've made the right decision in the most dignified way you could op.

The people saying your son is "nothing" to dss and it isn't a problem that he is lot invited are either people utterly ignorant of what it is like to have step parents and the family that goes along with it. Or they are the kind of unbearable tossers who treat "step children" in much the same way your dss is treating your son for all occasions.

Either way, they are quite ridiculous.

sashh · 16/08/2014 11:16

Who is paying for this wedding?

I can see an argument of;'Well why should I pay for a child who isn't even related to the bride and groom to come".

I'm not saying I agree with it, just trying to see why someone would do this.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 11:24

There is no justification for it! You do not treat a child like that, invite all his family except him, not on. Then just have a child free wedding in that case. It's not about money, he sounds quite vindictive and spiteful! Tge way he treats ds at Christmas with presents for everyone except op and her ds when he comes over, nobody would be disrespectful time and time again in my home. I would tell dp that this Christmas you are taking a stand, if dss comes with presents for ds2 and not ds1, he will be taking them back home.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 11:27

For those saying that ds is nothing to dss, he's not a stranger off the street is he! He's his stepbrother who he has know for 9 years!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 11:28

Just because you are not blood relation, dies not mean you can't be related in other ways.

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