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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about dss wedding?

243 replies

Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 14/08/2014 21:06

Hiya, this is my first AIBU, do and I have been together for 9 yrs, we have ds1 13 (from my previous relationship) and ds2 4, also dss 23 from dp previous relationship.
Anyway dss is getting married and has invited dp, myself and ds2 to the full wedding but ds1 only to the evening do. So AIBU to say that we either all of us go or none of us go as I'm not prepared for ds1 to be excluded.
Dp is furious with me for trying to make him miss his eldest sons wedding, but I think he should be making a stand with me on this one.

OP posts:
grocklebox · 16/08/2014 11:41

doesnt you mean you have to be either, just because your dads girlfriend and some internet randoms say you should! where the fuck do you get off thinking you can dictate to others who they should see as family?

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 11:44

Grocklebox where the fuck should you say that it's ok to invite all but 1 of that family unit, you don't sound very nice tbh

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 11:46

Yes he is the stepbrother like it or not, you just cannot do that to a chikd. Anyway op has said she us coming with both brothers in the evening which us the best solution

grocklebox · 16/08/2014 11:48

op, justify it all you like, your lovely family unit includes someone who had a family unit and left his son behind with a broken one. Now you have the cheek to tell him that your family is always more important, even on his wedding day? That he cannot choose who he considers family, you will decide for him? You are incapable of seeing anything from his point of view, probably one reason he doesnt care for you much.

If you think him rude, blame your partner for raising him that way. Except it sounds like he didn't have much of a hand in it. And your only concern for his wedding is that the unrelated child he did choose to raise must be there for some reason.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 11:49

It's not about dictating, but doing what is right and good which is sad you don't see!

BruthasTortoise · 16/08/2014 11:49

Some of the responses on this thread are awful - I don't understand how anyone can be in favour of a child, who has already went through the trauma of his parents separating, being excluded from a family event which his DM, DSF and little brother are invited to. There are two stepchildren in this scenario, the difference being one is still a child and one is a grown adult who should get over himself.

grocklebox · 16/08/2014 11:50

I dont sound very nice? ha,thats rich! you couldnt give a crap about the man getting married, you dont sound very nice to me.

Fairenuff · 16/08/2014 11:51

The dss probably doesn't have any personal attachment to OP's ds though, so you can see how he might be thinking if he is restricted on numbers. And he is invited to the evening, when numbers are not such a problem so it's not like he is being excluded out of spite or something.

It would have been more tactful to leave out both the 13 and 4 year old, though, rather than just the 13 year old but OP has rectified that by her decision to keep both boys with her and bring them for the evening.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 11:53

He is an adult grocklebox, he is also quite capable of seeing things from others point of view. No you cannot do that, op is within her rights to say no, you treat both chikdren with respect, not just one. Op is not preventing his sad from going! Just because you get married does not mean you can treat others like shit in the process especially a child. So you would probably agree that it's ok to have a whole class party and leave one out. Your mean!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 11:54

My point exactly grockle!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 11:56

No not when he treats a child like that, and buys Christmas presents for one child and not the other, it's cruel. A token present does not hurt.

grocklebox · 16/08/2014 11:58

Just try for one second to pull your head out of your ass and try for a different viewpoint. Other than the "everyone must always be happy in a lovely mixed up blended family, because we say so".

It doesnt work that way. Sure,it would be nice if it did, but the unbelievably arrogance and bitchiness of you all calling this guy names because he doesnt fit the way youd like it to be! If it was a women posting saying my dads girlfriend is trying to stop my dad coming to my wedding because I didnt invite her kid, youd all be saying what a toxic bitch.

Fairenuff · 16/08/2014 11:58

He is an adult grocklebox, he is also quite capable of seeing things from others point of view.

If that were the case, there would be no mn Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 12:04

Yes I've been in op ds13 position, my half sister used to treat me how op dss23 treated her ds13. She resented my mum marrying my dad, even though she was not the OW. As a result she dident like me very much, she was 22 when I was born. One incident when I was at her house when I was 7, tge ice cream can came out, she got her ds5 an ice cream and left me out. The constant put downs as a child and toxicity meant I gave distanced myself from her now.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 12:07

No op is not preventing her dp going to his ds wedding, that would be vvvvu, but both brothers will go together in the evening as it should be with op, not one during the day and one during the evening, that is what people are not happy about. The treatment of one child over another.

Fairenuff · 16/08/2014 12:08

That's not the same position at all Aero.

You and your step sister shared the same father. In this case, the dss has no blood relation to OP's son so you can see how he might feel that he isn't a relation. He is the son of the woman his father married.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 12:12

I know but you op ds lives with them and is part of that family, you cannot invite op, dp and ds2 to the day and not op ds, that is just not right. Yesthe dss is spiteful!

outtolunchagain · 16/08/2014 12:18

But grockle this is not so e random girlfriend, the OP has been married to his father for 9 years , the ss would have been 4 when they got married .

DemelzaandRoss · 16/08/2014 12:33

In a Step Family situation there is nothing like a wedding to stir up trouble. There is no winner or loser. A previous post suggested dignity. That way any intentions to wind anyone up falls flat. Think how annoying it must be when the intended reaction isn't received. At least you know 100% where you stand.

3boys3dogshelp · 16/08/2014 12:42

Ops username is mumoftwomonkeys, so she clearly doesn't see herr dss as her son, yet expects her dss to treat her family as his when it suits. Don't agree with leaving a child out, but I can see the groom's point of view too.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2014 12:44

He just seems to harbour resentment towards my eldest son for some reason.

Because your DS was living with his dad, and he wasn't?
Possibly?

Misdirected, but you can't help your feelings when you're a kid. And maybe he hasn't grown out of them.

Fairenuff · 16/08/2014 12:45

I understand that Aero and this is not my personal opinion, just saying how it might look from dss point of view.

How old was he when his dad left?

Whatever age he was, his dad left and had little to do with him, for whatever reasons, from the child's point of view he is becoming estranged from his father.

When is is 16 his father married a woman who already had a four year old son. At this stage, the little boy is really nothing to do with him. Then OP says that the 16 year old began to resent the relationship his dad had with this woman's child. Something that he didn't have. It might have seemed that the boy was 'stealing' his dad.

All this tiime, he was still a child himself, coping with difficult circumstances so, yes, his view has been skewed.

Now he is getting married and they can have x amount of guests. They have to make sacrifices somewhere, maybe some of their friends can't come or some of their other more distant relatives, who knows.

But it boils down to the fact that they need to restrict numbers. He can't have all four of the 'step family' but he really wants his dad to be there on his special day.

Weddings are a nightmare at the best of times, you have to draw the line somewhere, so his line was close (blood) family members only, or whatever it was that brought him to this conclusion. And don't forget it wouldn't be his choice alone, there is the bride to please too Grin

He may have found himself between a rock and a hard place. He may have been pushed into this decision by other influences in his life. We don't know, we have no idea of his motives.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 13:10

3boys that is because she is not his mum, I presume dss has his own mum, it would be wrong of her to try and take that position, anyway he was a teen when she met her dp.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 13:14

I would agree fairnuff, but he does not treat op ds very nicely at Christmas, getting his dad and op ds2 presents, but nothing for op or her ds when they come over to op. That is very rude and nit acceptable! A token box of celebrations, or Heros for op ds would not go astray, I bet he would love that!

sesamstrasse · 16/08/2014 13:20

3 boys op has 2 sons, one from previous relationship one with dss' dad. The dss is neither of those if I am reading this correctly.