AIBU about dss wedding?

[Mumoftwomonkeys1976]

Hiya, this is my first AIBU, do and I have been together for 9 yrs, we have ds1 13 (from my previous relationship) and ds2 4, also dss 23 from dp previous relationship.
Anyway dss is getting married and has invited dp, myself and ds2 to the full wedding but ds1 only to the evening do. So AIBU to say that we either all of us go or none of us go as I'm not prepared for ds1 to be excluded.
Dp is furious with me for trying to make him miss his eldest sons wedding, but I think he should be making a stand with me on this one.

That no cool us not necessarily op doing that. Like babies cake said her mere existence and relationship with his dad could make him resentful. Yes op will say whether she tried to make him welcome and included, obviously dsss will have a different interpretation based on his feelings towards op. Yes birth brothers should go together, it is only right and decent.

I agree Slithy, I remember op saying that he does get treated badly by dss, Christmas is one example.

People are putting the blame on op, it must have been her that caused dsss behaviour, something she has done. But not necessarily, her mere existence and relationship with his dad might fave fuelled that resentment. I was a baby, but my half sister (22 years) at the time resented my mere existence! What have I done, just me being born was enough. She wasn't daddy's little girl,anymore, I took her dad away. She told me this when I was an adult, poured her feelings to me.

Whatever the ins and outs of this the situation is not just down to the Dss this is the culmination of everyone that is involved in this "family unit".

It's really not the child who was 4 at the time or the child who wasn't even a twinkle.

So the OPs DP is invited (even though he was the one who didn't see his son), the OP is invited (even though she was the one who entered a relationship with a man who didn't see his child), presumably the DSS's mum is invited (even though she was most likely involved in some way with him not seeing his Dad), the brides stepbrother is invited (even though they're not related by blood) and a 4 year old is invited (even though he probably won't have a real idea what's going on and you'd assume doesn't have a close relationship with his adult brother who doesn't see him much.) The only person being excluded is a completely innocent child who had no say over who his mum got into a relationship with, has his own dad so presumably wasn't clinging to the OPs DP to the exclusion of his own son, who is old enough to be aware and hurt by the fact he is being excluded and has had to live with being obviously treated as a second class citizen by his DSFs family for the past ten years. How can anyone be ok with that?

Slithytove

the eldest child was 4, he isn't anymore.

The only way to resolve this is to examine everybody's behaviour over the last 9 years.

That includes the behaviour of a 4 yr old as they will take the lead from the adults around them.

I know he was four, hence my inclusion of the words at the time.

And I absolutely refuse to blame a child who was a preschooler, or a child who wasn't born, for the behaviour of a 23 year old man 9 years down the line.

If a 4 year old takes his lead from the adults around him, then I go straight back to looking at the adults.

There is nothing which can be said which will convince me that the DSS has acted fairly/maturely/kindly/justifiably towards the 13 year old.

Then if the op is of the same opinion then nothing will be resolved.

I agree buthas, it is all out mean and spiteful in my books

Slithy

Yep, or that the dp behaved fairly/maturely/kindly/justifiably when his own ds (the dss) was 13. Looks like the dss learned about relationships from his absentee dad.

I don't think anything should be done. At least not yet.

Let DSS enjoy his wedding. Let OP take both of her sons to the evening do.

Perhaps DP after the event will step up and point out the unfairness of the behaviour. Based on the information given, I would wager this is all about the DP's relationship with his son.

No cool - I actually agreed with your post and said that the DSS was directing his behaviour at the wrong person. Again, 2 wrongs don't make a right. If DP was a prick father, that is not DS (13)'s fault.

Ah - agreed.

Bruthas, op hasn't said whether the brides step family are invited to just evening or full day. Ds1 was invited, but only to evening. Maybe they have a blanket step siblings evening do thing. Not saying wrong or right just clarifying that!

There appear to be a lot of assumptions here that the groom to be is being malicious or vindictive to his father's partner's 13 year old DS.

The wedding is small, he has invited what he sees as his family and a plus one for his father. Unless blended families are brought up together and are close in age, they do not necessarily view parents partners/spouses children as part of their family. He has not been totally excluded as he has been invited to the evening do.

It is very unreasonable to expect your partner not to attend his son's wedding due to your DS not being invited to the ceremony.

polly that is a very wise response. I completely agree

It's very short-sighted, at best, to invite your father, your father's wife and your half-brother to any part of the ceremony, knowing full well that this leaves your 13 year old step brother on his own.