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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about dss wedding?

243 replies

Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 14/08/2014 21:06

Hiya, this is my first AIBU, do and I have been together for 9 yrs, we have ds1 13 (from my previous relationship) and ds2 4, also dss 23 from dp previous relationship.
Anyway dss is getting married and has invited dp, myself and ds2 to the full wedding but ds1 only to the evening do. So AIBU to say that we either all of us go or none of us go as I'm not prepared for ds1 to be excluded.
Dp is furious with me for trying to make him miss his eldest sons wedding, but I think he should be making a stand with me on this one.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 15/08/2014 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daftbesom · 15/08/2014 20:47

Not sure there is just one answer to this. I would be hurt too.

Is it worth asking your DP: is DS aged 13 his family ... or not?

Alternatively and I am evil : accept that DP and DS aged 3 will go to the whole do, gracefully thank DSS for the invitation for yourself and explain you will come to the evening do with DS aged 13. (You don't need to give a reason.) You can join in happily then when they are all jaded and knackered At least that way your DS maybe won't feel quite so left out.

Grin told you I was evil

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/08/2014 20:50

No worrid I am actually saying it.

worridmum · 15/08/2014 20:53

why yes treat the step mother who potentally pushed him out perfectly fine as it would be impossible for the dss to only invite the children and his dad and his step mother would have to be invited despite how 'possply' he was treated so needed a away to keep face while excluding the offending party and he sadly choose the easy option of excluding the 13 rather that the step mother which should be allowed but social etticute doesnt allow it

(my cosuians had this problem where the step mother DID treat them as second class children but they got massive stick from inviting everyone bar the step mother as you cannot possible invite one member of a married couple without the other as seen by the numerous threads about its)

but sadly we will never know the truth about how the step son was treated as i doubt the OP will say of course we treated them differently etc as that would just make her entire thread hypocrtitical

YouTheCat · 15/08/2014 20:53

But worrid, he wasn't not seeing his ds because of the OP. From the sounds of it he hadn't seen him since before the OP and her dh got together so totally not her fault and definitely not her ds1's fault.

If he the dss has any axe to grind it should be with his father and we have no idea why he didn't see his father anyway.

needaholidaynow · 15/08/2014 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VodkaJelly · 15/08/2014 20:56

Bloody hell Worridmum, nothing like making it up as you go along. The OP has not said any of that at all. From what I read the DP didnt have much to do with his son BEFORE the op came along, she cant be blamed for what has gone on before her time.

worridmum · 15/08/2014 20:56

tbh I do think its wrong excluding the 13 I would much rather that etticaute allowed people to exclude the offending member of a married couple rather than having to suck it up by having the offending member attend the wedding

but tbh I think the OP should have a very very close look on exactly how she treated her step son as I do not belive people are this nasty without a preceivred good reason

daftbesom · 15/08/2014 20:57

I just think you can be bigger than all of that OP and it will be a useful example to your DS aged 13 if you are. Let them be pathetic; you don't have to get drawn into it.

daftbesom · 15/08/2014 20:58

I meant - let the DSS and co. be pathetic - not saying other posters here are pathetic ... Blush

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/08/2014 20:58

worrid From what the op has said, the lack of contact was going on before she even met her DH.

That is not her fault. It isn't her sons fault. We don't know why this was and she is under no obligation to explain a decision/situation which was not of her making.

I would assume that if it was a terrible reason she would not have built a life with him, introduced her young child and eventually had a child with her DH.

VodkaJelly · 15/08/2014 20:58

There you go, blaming the OP again, you have NO fact to back up your claims. You dont know what went on before, the OP could have been Mary Poppins to the DSS but he was so resentful he didnt want to know.

Stop making things up.

worridmum · 15/08/2014 20:59

vodka i suggest you re read the OP posts she blaintily says that he did not see his child while playing happy families with his new stepson which does indicate that the OP knew about the son being excluded and should of said their and than tbh (tho i would not marry someone who would not she their child for years)

worridmum · 15/08/2014 21:02

I was just playing devils advicate as people were slagging the step son off without actully considering the reasons of the possible exclusion so I was giving an example which gives a perfectly justifable reason of excluding the step brother.

YouTheCat · 15/08/2014 21:03

But you have no idea why he wasn't seeing his son. He could have a particularly vindictive ex who wouldn't allow contact. But you just don't know and you are making stuff up.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/08/2014 21:04

Yanbu at all what a shit thing to do to a child, a crappy way to treat him at christmastime! If course your dp should go, but you and all kids stay behind. Your dp should be pulling him up about the treatment at Christmas too.

SallyMcgally · 15/08/2014 21:04

Actually there's plenty of evidence that people can easily be this nasty. Take your pick from any number of threads. There's no reason to think the OP's been a horrible DSM. We don't know why the DSS is as he is. He may think he has a good reason, but he's 23 and taking it out on a 13 year old. I think it's deeply unfair to attribute malice to the OP on the basis of no evidence. But stepmothers do get a pretty shit deal on AIBU.

SallyMcgally · 15/08/2014 21:17

And no she does not blatantly say her DP was playing happy families while ignoring his son. She says he didn't see hid son for years 'and then he met me.' That doesn't sound at all as if she impeded contact or merrily sat back while he ignored his son.

Darquesse · 15/08/2014 21:54

I would decline the invitation on behalf of myself and both sons. Obviously your dp can and should go.

If I were a bigger person I would let dp take younger ds but Unfortunatley when it comes to my children I am not always the bigger person and if you don't invite one to a family occasion then the other doesn't go. You are a family.

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 15/08/2014 22:04

Thank you everyone for your replies, I honestly don't know why dss is like this. I don't think we've ever excluded him, always invited him along when we go on holiday, bought his first car etc. but he's never been that bothered about seeing us. He just seems to harbour resentment towards my eldest son for some reason.

Anyway, dp went to see dss today to try and work it out, but apparently ds1 can't go in the day because it's only immediate family going and for the pictures etc. So dp is going with his parents for the day and I will go in the evening with both of my sons.

OP posts:
grocklebox · 15/08/2014 23:25

your son is not his brother. He is inviting his immediate family only, which your son is not.

It never ceases to amaze me, the arrogance of adults who try to force a blended family onto their children. You are complaining about his attitude but what about yours? Why should he invite his fathers wifes son to an immediate family only occasion?

grocklebox · 15/08/2014 23:29

and while Im at it, this "this is my family, we are a unit, we come as one" attitude is probably why he doesnt care to see you much. He was your husbands first family, where is his one for all family? Gone, with you in its place.
Stop being so selfcentered.

Original poster
Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 15/08/2014 23:42

Yes this is my family and we are indeed a unit, every effort has been made to include dss and he's just not interested. I will not have ds1 made to feel like an outsider in his own family, therefore both of my sons will come to the evening reception with me and dp can go in the day and explain to anyone who asks why we are not all there.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 15/08/2014 23:52

Grockle, why should a 13 year old be punished because his father has remarried/another partner?

poppadompete · 15/08/2014 23:57

why cant your son (with your dp) go with his dad in the day? let him have his half brother there, your son is not his brother. that's part of him and you being his step family, that's what happens when you get into a situation like this with people with children. accept it.

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