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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about dss wedding?

243 replies

Mumoftwomonkeys1976 · 14/08/2014 21:06

Hiya, this is my first AIBU, do and I have been together for 9 yrs, we have ds1 13 (from my previous relationship) and ds2 4, also dss 23 from dp previous relationship.
Anyway dss is getting married and has invited dp, myself and ds2 to the full wedding but ds1 only to the evening do. So AIBU to say that we either all of us go or none of us go as I'm not prepared for ds1 to be excluded.
Dp is furious with me for trying to make him miss his eldest sons wedding, but I think he should be making a stand with me on this one.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 15/08/2014 11:48

The ds's clearly has some issues relating to his dad and his step family. I don't think the flaming he's got on this thread is at all fair when it's highly likely that he has feelings of being excluded as well as probably other issues.

He may well have valid reasons for trying to find a way to get his step mum not to come to his wedding.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/08/2014 12:02

I am appalled that any grown man especially the step father to this young lad would not say something to his own grown up son.

This is a shitty thing to do and as a mother I would be looking at my partner with fresh eyes.

All I can say is how dare he, I assume it's half your money for the present etc, and please tell me you havnt contributed to paying this wedding, and still being snubbed.

MrsKoala · 15/08/2014 12:02

I genuinely believe some people live for doing this shit. What i mean is they have probably fantasised about situations where they will be able to have the power to exclude/hurt people as revenge for real or imagined slights. I can see them sitting there brooding away and thinking 'oooh when i get married i'm not going to invite x and only invite y to the evening, that'll teach them...' Very childish indeed.

Anyway, i digress. I would be deeply hurt if i were you OP and i would expect my DP to express his disappointment at the petty vindictiveness towards an innocent child. I would also expect him to say something along the lines of 'if you have a problem with me, or Mumof, or even DS1, then you should man up and spit it out, this 'small wedding' business is a fig leaf and everyone can see it, you are making yourself look like a petty and spiteful individual, which is very sad as this is such a happy occassion and shouldn't be marred by past grievances. I love you very much and you can tell me how you feel anytime, so what's this really all about?' Of course he should still attend tho and as you said you know this already.

I would then wait. How long till the wedding OP? If no further invitation is forthcoming i would then decide on whether i would be going to the evening with DS1 or not.

I would also take this opportunity to sort out the gift issue. I would wait till after the wedding and as xmas is approaching get ask your DH to mention how noticeable the lack of gifts for you and DS1 are. I would say as a family you wont tolerate exclusions of this kind. And even token gifts would be expected if you went to anyones house at xmas, so why make an issue of it when it is people you have known for years?

sandgrown · 15/08/2014 12:08

Velvet OP cannot tell DH not to go to his son's wedding it will only make things worse. If OP lets her younger DS go with her DH and then only goes in the evening with her older son she is making a bit of a stand on his behalf. She should post on a smile and not show she is annoyed! Is her DH contributing to the wedding. Maybe DSS mother is calling the shots.

WooWooOwl · 15/08/2014 12:14

Is everyone else missing this bit from the OP?

Dp didn't see much of his son for years and then he met me and was spending a lot of time with my son.

Making a man who doesn't see his own child into a step father to yours is highly likely to be storing up trouble for the future.

It's incredibly unfair to criticise the dss for his actions when his father has probably acted far worse towards him. He isn't acting in the most mature way, but there will be a reason why OP and her dss don't get on. She can't complain about her son being excluded by someone who was effectively excluded from the little family she and her DP created when they met.

harverina · 15/08/2014 12:30

If the dss didn't want the op to go he should just not have invited her. To use a child to get to another adult is not fair on the child.

Maybe dss didn't have the best childhood because of his family circumstances but that doesn't excuse his behaviour towards the op's son!

MuddlingMackem · 15/08/2014 12:44

FWIW, I would suggest to your DP that he goes to the wedding alone and you take both of the boys to the evening do only.

Unless you have a really placid and biddable 4 year old, and there aren't many of those around, your DP will spend his day doing childcare, rather than enjoying the wedding.

MrsKoala · 15/08/2014 12:52

I see what you are saying woowoo, but making a point of it by using a 13yo who was only 4 when all this happened is really nasty. This is why the DP needs to speak to him. He is redirecting all of his anger onto a child.

The reason why there is resentment there could be totally to do with the DP and nothing to do with the OP and certainly not the 4yo child at the time. If that child is yours, it is YOUR responsibility to maintain a relationship, no one elses. Unless the OP was a total wicked witch and banned the step son from the house etc i don't see how this is her fault and not her DPs

(my dad had a child from a previous marriage and he would have not stopped seeing my sister for anyone even if my mum made it difficult - which of course she didn't. However, my sister still resents me terribly for just being born. Her anger at having another child should be with my father, but she has projected it entirely on me, and when i was an innocent baby and she was a young adult)

WooWooOwl · 15/08/2014 13:03

Yes, I can agree with that MrsKoala.

The step son is acting badly by excluding a child, there's no denying that. But I don't have any sympathy for the OP when she made her son a step child to someone who she says didn't see much of their own son for years.

aprilanne · 15/08/2014 13:05

well i would let your hubby go .and then just bring your two son,s at night .just be the bigger person .don,t let it annoy you .just smile sweetly at the little inconsiderite arsehole .my sons partner has a little girl she is an angel .in my eyes we are all family .the fact she does not carry my son,s bloodline is neither here nor there .your hubby should be telling his son we are all family together .

ladymariner · 15/08/2014 13:15

Appalling behaviour from des, and blinkered ignorance from your dp.

Let him go on his own and you decide, in the light of his reaction to this news, whether you and both your sons attend the evening do or whether the three of you leave dp and d'sd to it and go and have a lovely weekend somewhere nice.

WooWooOwl · 15/08/2014 13:17

It doesn't sound to me like the father in this story is in a great position to be lecturing his son about excluding a child really. If he didn't bother with his son for years, he probably owes it to him to just turn up at the wedding and be as supportive as possible.

SallyMcgally · 15/08/2014 13:25

woowoo How do you know that the DSS's mother didn't take her son abroad for years, or impede contact in some other way? How do you know that the DSS himself didn't refuse to see his father? How do you know that he wasn't fed a pack of lies about his father? It may not be entirely the DP's fault; it's very likely it wasn't the OP's fault at all. Being a stepparent can be really shit sometimes, especially when you're made to shoulder the blame for things that happened before you were even on the scene.

needaholidaynow · 15/08/2014 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rafflesway · 15/08/2014 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 15/08/2014 15:20

I don't see how you could even suggest that your dh does not attend his own son's wedding, that would be unreasonable. However, it would be ok to ask him to speak to his son about being more inclusive. At the end of the day, though, it might have to just be dh going.

poppadompete · 15/08/2014 18:06

I'm with woo woo here, just don't go and don't take your son, let your dp and the ds you have with him go. It would be far less drama for everyone, and that way your son doesn't have to feel excluded if you're both not there. I think he invited you to try and be nice to his dad, your ds is not part of his family in his eyes, which you have to respect. You can't force that. Just let him have a nice day with his dad and half brother and then there's no more issues.

With regards to the presents I don't think it's fair on the outside but id be interested why he doesn't feel like you and your ds are part of his family.

I do think he's entitled to feel how he does with regards to family vs not family especially if their are past issues.

Why did his ds not see his father while he was shacking up with you, was it due to your partner's ex?

MaryWestmacott · 15/08/2014 18:19

Must say, I agree with WooWooOwl - if your DP wanted to have influence in what sort of man his DS1 turned out to be, he really should have put an effort in when his DS was a boy...

Accept that you and your DS1 shouldn't go, smile nicely while your DP and DS2 go.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 15/08/2014 18:38

I wouldn't go at all. If I could afford it I'd go away for the weekend and do something nice with both DS1 & 2.

worridmum · 15/08/2014 20:24

TBH I doubt this behavour came out of the blue did you treat all the children equally when they were younger?

as with birthday presents and chirstmas presents or did you as alot of step parents do only by a small token present for said events did you invite you Dss to family holidays etc or did you treat as not part of the family unit because he wasnt us because if you did these things I dont blame him for doing it as why should he be the bigger person if you did not invole him with your family group (other than token jestures) and so he is simply doing the same.

As this happens all too frequently with older step children they are seen as outsiders only to be included EoW if they are lucky but then said step parent gets all pissy when they arent fully included in said older step childs life

Whocansay · 15/08/2014 20:30

I think the reason is irrelevant at this stage.

I would take your DS to Euro Disney (or similar) for the weekend and your DH takes your youngest to the wedding.

That way, your DS will have a lovely time and hopefully won't feel left out.

And you won't look like a wicked stepmother, which I assume is the intention of the snub in the first place.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/08/2014 20:33

How are things now op?

worridmum · 15/08/2014 20:37

tbh I am shocked at the level of abuse that the dss has recivered would you all give the OP the same level of abuse as she by her own admission (DP didnt have much to do with his child for years) so in fact it appears that the OP by assoicatation excluded a child from the family so you cannot really generally expect said excluded child to be the bigger person

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/08/2014 20:40

She said her DH did not have contact for a number of years but did not expand on why. There could be any number of reasons.

The step son isn't a child anymore, he is an adult.

worridmum · 15/08/2014 20:46

yes but at the age of 23 she said has know for 9 years HE WAS A CHILD FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS BEFORE HAND!!! so he was most likely 13 /14 when OP came onto the sceen so in fact was still a child

So your basically saying the step son should be the bigger man when the OP could of treated him the exact same way she doesnt want her son treated....