AIBU about dss wedding?

[Mumoftwomonkeys1976]

Hiya, this is my first AIBU, do and I have been together for 9 yrs, we have ds1 13 (from my previous relationship) and ds2 4, also dss 23 from dp previous relationship.
Anyway dss is getting married and has invited dp, myself and ds2 to the full wedding but ds1 only to the evening do. So AIBU to say that we either all of us go or none of us go as I'm not prepared for ds1 to be excluded.
Dp is furious with me for trying to make him miss his eldest sons wedding, but I think he should be making a stand with me on this one.

Exactly, I know he wants me to kick off so he can make me out to be a bad person. But I refuse to do so, I will go along in the evening with both of my sons, I'm not going to send ds2 in the day as this will make ds1 feel even more left out.

I'm al,for not taking offence but that is a really awful thing to do. Maybe, at a stretch, if he was really wanting a tiny wedding DSS could have asked if it would be all right if DS1 missed out the afternoon part of the wedding it might have been ok but to simply not invite him does seem very pointed.

I think I would do what you are suggesting. Send a present from you and your sons, 'graciously' attend the evening do and try not to worry about it too much.

Hope it works out and that things settle down.

Rafflesway I would never allow that to happen to my son and I'm so sorry that happened to you

Would you rather he had invited you And your ds only for evening bit? Or was it the pointed exclusion of your ds?

The gifts part is not nice at all, although if his dad was always being a dad to your ds and not him I can see where resentment would come from. From you not wanting your dh to go to his sons wedding do you think he picked up on that trait and thought you'd tried to stop his dad seeing him before, I'm only asking because it doesn't seem like youre that bothered about that as long as he's with you.

I think your ds1 is old enough for you to explain why you think your ss has done this. has your ds1 seen invitation? If he has, I think a good chat about how he feels about it would be good. Similar with Christmas. 13 is a really sensitive age. Your ds1 needs to know it is not about him, but his that ss has problems with his Dad and possibly you.

I think your ds1 is old enough for you to explain why you think your ss has done this. has your ds1 seen invitation? If he has, I think a good chat about how he feels about it would be good. Similar with Christmas. 13 is a really sensitive age. Your ds1 needs to know it is not about him, but his that ss has problems with his Dad and possibly you.

I have a step family I love as my own blood.

I wonder if your DSS is actually not inviting you as his step mother, but is instead inviting you to keep his Dad happy and you are more of a Plus One.

I wonder if he doesn't see you as family, otherwise he would see your DS13 as family too.

I am guessing wgen his Dad got with you he was 14, would have been 16 by the time it got serious, he didn't feel any tie to a 'step family' - you're just his Dad's wife

I wouldn't go to his wedding, but would let DH take DS4.

I would be hurt beyond measure, but what can you do?

Jesus christ we have step mum bingo on here. Ffs people!

mumof totally understand the heat of the moment all or nothing rant as I would do exactly the same. You, sdp and ds 1 and 2 are family so it's all or nothing in my book.

That said let your twat dp go cos he clearly doesn't see how out of order his son his and I would take your kids off sosomewhere fun for the weekend and let dp explain that his son is a shit and wouldn't invite his sb so to minimise the hurt you are doing something fun with them.

And repost on the stepparent board cos you will get less of the "what have you done to make him hate you" and "were you the ow" bullshit

It can be awful having a step parent. Whilst there are some lovely ones, there are many who see step children as something they have to endure. Don't underestimate the damage a split and then new family can cause to a child.

From the invite, it's clear that your step son never felt part of there family and believed your own son took preference. He may also believe he's the reason that he didn't see as much of his dad etc.

Perhaps in his eyes, only his dad and half brother are actually his family but it's etiquette to invite a spouse so he has.

Your husband has two choices, go as invited or try and force an invite but it's highly unlikely whatever he is feeling can be worked through before the wedding.

I think your DSs is either clueless (taking a generous view ) or deliberately trying to drive home the point about a grudge he holds.

From your perspective, you are a family of 5 and come as a unit. For your DSs, it seems that your 13yo is not regarded as anything to do with him - but a 23 year old adult should have the humanity to see how hurtful it is to repeatedly leave out a child .

I would suggest that the diplomatic thing to do would be for DH to go to the whole event , and you take both your sons to the evening event. If anyone asks why you can tell them that DS 1 wasn't invited to the whole event so this was the only possibility.

To be honest though, I do think it's your dh's responsibility to have a word with DSs and try to sort out what appears to be a strong resentment - but he should have done this long ago.

IME receptions generally over-run leaving the evening guests huddled outside waiting to be let in. This would make ds1 feel even more excluded. A 4 yr old boy isn't going to be overly excited by a wedding and would have to leave pretty early anyway. Your dh doesn't seem that bothered by what happens as long as he is there.

I'd leave him to it and take your boys to do something rather more exciting that you will all enjoy.

TBH it doesn't sound like either dss or dh have much interest in improving the relationship. Dss will be happy you're not there and if dh has to keep explaining why it might give him pause for thought about tbe situation.

It's a spiteful and childish thing to do. DSS is clearly jealous of your DS (and probably of you too), and therefore isn't inviting DS as a dig at you both.

His anger should be directed at your DH, if he feels that he wasn't much of a dad to him growing up etc, he shouldn't be taking it out on a teenage boy.

I wouldn't go to the wedding - you're either all invited to the whole thing or none of you go. Your DH should have a frank discussion with his son and tell him it's not acceptable to leave out one member of the family - and actually if he won't back down, then DH shouldn't go either.

Just to add, as a mum of teen boys both mine love weddings and would be quite happy at one for the full day.

I wonder of the Dss was only going to invite his father and the OP but thought that she would kick off about the youngest being left at home so added him as an after thought.

Are you actually married to DSS's father?

For what it's worth he is obviously shit stirring and I can see why you're annoyed. However if you aren't technically his step-mother (you refer to DP rather than DH) then his AIBU would read "Dad's girlfriend won't let him or my brother come to my wedding because her son is only invited to the evening reception. I've invited her out of respect to my Dad but do I need to invite all her family too?"

I think you should stay home with DS1 but let DS2 go to his brother's wedding with your DP. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh & you do have my sympathy, I can't understand why some people want to use their wedding as a weapon to upset people. But you don't like each other so just try & let it wash over you.

I wouldn't go at am tbh. Yes it's his wedding and yes he can invite who he wants. Yes your ds may not be a blood relative but he is being horrible excluding him and will know that.

Your ss is an adult who is purposefully being mean to a child.

I don't understand how women have kids with men that just dump their poor kids and move on with their lives