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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to a wedding this Saturday.

197 replies

Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 08:44

I have an invite, no plus one.
I've not seen the groom for 3 years, have met the bride maybe twice.
I will know people going, but the last time I saw most of them was over 15 years ago, while they have all stayed good friends.

There is a fair bit of driving involved, so I can't drink.

I can't take dd so need to get a babysitter. Dd comes back from 2 weeks at her fathers the day before.

I will need to get someone to cover my shift at work the next day, so will lose money.

I'm very skint and can't afford a cash gift ( as has been asked for)

It's take your own booze (but I wouldn't be drinking)

Take your own chair ( no seating)

And limited parking.

Would it be crap of me to not go?

OP posts:
Clarabum · 14/08/2014 11:34

kentish- it's not cold feet. As the poster stated- it's limited funds, lack of childcare, having to cancel work.
If it was so important that she be at their "special day" then you'd think they'd keep in touch more.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 11:40

Thing is, its an outing just for me, at the expense of my rent/bills really. Car cost a lot to go through the MOT this month which i wasnt expecting ( though im hardly flush at any time)

Ive literally got £20. my plan is to do a car boot with DD on saturday to hopefully make a bit of money so we can go camping for a few days.

I cant do a car boot and go to a wedding. the wedding starts at lunchtime. DD is coming home friday evening.

If i had the money, and the childcare, id suck it up and go. But i now have neither, thats what is boils down to.

Im not even sure why they have asked me, i wouldnt have been offended if they hadnt, like i said, ive not seen them for 3 years.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/08/2014 11:42

Have you told them yet? You've clearly decided to give it a miss so you need to let them know.

MadonnaKebab · 14/08/2014 11:44

I don't really understand this invitation & Acceptance EIGHT Months in advance
It seems really excessive to me , even for a super-formal wedding

Even odder for a casual BYO chair & booze do

There must be loads of people for whom life has changed in that time
Jobs lost/ started, relationships ended/ established , even almost entire pregnancies in that time. I don't think an acceptance such a long time ago can't be seen as a social obligation in the usual way, especially if there's no contact in between and important info is withheld until the last minute

Cancel, citing childcare probs, and don't give it another thought

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 11:46

I havent cancelled yet, im worried if i say its childcare, they will say to just bring her, which i cant do as i dont have the funds to do so.

I cant think of any other reason to cancel with 2 days notice.

I know its all a bit shit really.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 14/08/2014 11:47

Just say childcare problems and work commitments.

Can't argue with that.

SanityClause · 14/08/2014 11:48

It's fine not to go.

Explain that you thought DD would be with her father, but he has changed the arrangements at the last minute, and you can't get a babysitter at such short notice.

Then send them a nice card with £20, which will be a helluva lot cheaper than schlepping up there, losing a shift, paying for a sitter, etc.

IT'S FINE!

KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 11:48

Say 'I have work commitments and I can't afford to lose the pay'. Anyone reasonable won't enquire any further. Work comes first.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/08/2014 11:49

You have to say it's childcare. That's the main thing that's changed since you accepted. If they offer to include DD perhaps just say she's come back v tired from her Dad's so you don't think she'd be up to the travel and late night?

expatinscotland · 14/08/2014 11:53

Don't send them £20. If you haven't got it, you don't. Tell them it's work commitments and be done with it.

YouTheCat · 14/08/2014 11:56

I wouldn't send any more than a card.

If OP sends that £20 then that's no activities with her dd in her week off.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 12:03

Fair point from Ghoul. How's this:

'I'm really sorry but her Dad's plans have changed at late notice, and DD will be home that night, so I can't come'.

Them (maybe): 'Oh, she's more than welcome! Bring her!'

You: 'Oh, thank you, that's kind, but she's not getting home until late on Saturday and she really won't be up to it. Have a lovely day!'

If they push it (which they won't), just repeat 'Thanks, but she really won't be up to it'.

Do not send 20 quid. You can't afford it. Send a lovely card.

OnlyLovers · 14/08/2014 12:03

'My childcare has fallen through and I have work commitments.'

They won't say you can take DD if it's a no-kids wedding, will they?

But in any case, best to get off MN and tell them sooner rather than later.

ZenGardener · 14/08/2014 12:14

I agree, don't go into a big long explanation. Just email that you're really sorry to drop out at such short notice but your childcare fell through and you have work commitments so are unable to attend. Hope you have a fantastic day and looking forward to catching up with you another time. Best wishes for the future blah, blah..

Don't bother sending money or a card. A card will just make it obvious that you didn't send money. It really isn't that big a deal.

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 14/08/2014 12:23

Don't go OP, it sounds like a total PITA bringing your own chairs. And you can't afford it either, I'm sure you'll rather spend your money on your daughter, instead on hanging with people who you haven't seen in donkey's years.

It sounds very informal wedding, so it won't be per head especially if your bringing your own chair and it doesn't sound like they've been very accommodating. Just send a card, don't bother with the money.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/08/2014 12:28

Did you tell them yet?

LadyLuck10 · 14/08/2014 12:28

Op maybe the reason they invited is for the cash bit as you say it's been 3 years. I really wouldn't feel bad about not going.

HilariousInHindsight · 14/08/2014 12:43

Have you told them yet?
I wouldn't go either tbh.

BigChocFrenzy · 14/08/2014 13:00

The EMail from Monday changed the event from what the OP was expecting when she originally accepted: bring your own booze, chair and camp outside.

The main change though is that she is now skint.
Madness to spend her last £20 on anyone other than her DD, especially on people she no longer really knows.

OP: Just EMail your apology citing sudden childcare & work commitments. Don't send card or cash.
Enjoy a lovely week with your daughter.

yesyouare · 14/08/2014 13:32

there are no positives in your post to go , if it was me i would decline .

kentishgirl · 14/08/2014 13:38

'The EMail from Monday changed the event from what the OP was expecting when she originally accepted: bring your own booze, chair and camp outside.'

But it doesn't. It's still a wedding. If she assumed it was a traditional formal wedding originally, then that's her assumption. No one is saying she has to camp - it's just an option for those who don't want to get hotel or aren't local enough to travel. I doubt many of those attending will be camping. BYOB - no one complains about a cash bar, those are normal, so what's the difference? Bringing a chair, hardly a big deal, sounds like a nice informal picnic/BBQ style meal outdoors.

YouTheCat · 14/08/2014 14:09

But all that is completely irrelevant anyway, Kentish, as the OP has no childcare at the last minute and no money, plus she has to work.

CrapBag · 14/08/2014 14:22

I think YABU in that you accepted in the first place without thinking of the logistics of it. Have you suddenly got less money or was your money situation the same when you got the invite and you didn't bother to work out the cost of attending?

However, I wouldn't want to go in this situation either. A few years ago, my best friend from school invited me to her reception. We hadn't seen each other for years, I had never met her DF and we did fall out after school but got back in touch years later. The invite came a month before the wedding and felt like an after thought. No plus one (which in itself it fine) but another school friend was going (a friend of us both) to the whole day and allowed to take her cousin. I declined straight off, not said yes then changed my mind when I thought about it.

Your get out can be child care plus an unexpected large bill (in case they said bring your child).

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 14:43

i did have an unexpected bill!

car cost far more to get it though its MOT than i thought. That was to be my spending money. Im a lone parent, disposable income isnt high anyway.

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 14/08/2014 14:47

Just email them back and say sorry but childcare and work arrangements have unfortunately changed and you won't be able to make it, but you hope they have a nice time.

If it was a proper formal sit-down do, and close friends, I would say you'd have to grin and bear it, but as it all sounds pretty casual and you've even got to make your own seating arrangements, I really wouldn't worry too much. Really I wouldn't.