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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to a wedding this Saturday.

197 replies

Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 08:44

I have an invite, no plus one.
I've not seen the groom for 3 years, have met the bride maybe twice.
I will know people going, but the last time I saw most of them was over 15 years ago, while they have all stayed good friends.

There is a fair bit of driving involved, so I can't drink.

I can't take dd so need to get a babysitter. Dd comes back from 2 weeks at her fathers the day before.

I will need to get someone to cover my shift at work the next day, so will lose money.

I'm very skint and can't afford a cash gift ( as has been asked for)

It's take your own booze (but I wouldn't be drinking)

Take your own chair ( no seating)

And limited parking.

Would it be crap of me to not go?

OP posts:
LauraChant · 14/08/2014 08:57

Maybe those old friends will be really pleased to see you? I have stayed friends with a group of people where others have drifted off and I am always really pleased to see any of the drifted-off ones at events like weddings.

BackforGood · 14/08/2014 08:58

YwouldBVU to not go with such short notice, yes.
If you hadn't wanted to accept in the first place, then fair enough, but if you have accepted then it's extremely rude to cancel at the last minute, when there isn't some genuine emergency reason.

Nicknacky · 14/08/2014 08:58

So the main issue is that really you don't want to go on your own? It's understandable but could be a great opportunity to catch up.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 08:58

Original plans for dd can't be changed. Will have go get a babysitter which is more cost.

So 20 pounds for a present. 25 for a sitter. I'll need to get something to wear and take some soft drinks.

That's pretty much my whole disposal income for the month and I wanted to do some things with dd as ive got a week off work next week.

OP posts:
JoanBakersShopCake · 14/08/2014 09:00

Take your own chair ( no seating)

I have never, ever heard of this! Bring your own booze, yes, fair enough if they're on a budget. I've seen this where B&G provide sparkling wine for toasts and nothing else. But bring your own chair?

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 09:00

It's that I really don't want to go on my own.

The money issue.

And the amount of effort ill have to put in ( swapping shifts at work, getting a babysitter etc etc)

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 14/08/2014 09:01

But again, you knew that when you got the invitation. It's far more polite to decline rather than pull out last minute.

LittleBearPad · 14/08/2014 09:01

If you said you'd go you pretty much have to. Sorry. Can't dd come back from her dads a few hours later. Then you could go to the ceremony, stay for a drink etc and then gracefully leave before too long.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 09:02

It might be terrifying at first, but I think you'll be really proud of yourself if you go. Why don't you have a pre-prepared excuse for leaving early, in case you're not having a good time? If you're sober, it'll be easy to escape.

Foxsticks, people are reacting to take your own chair + asking for cash gift + BYO booze, I think. That's not what 'DIY' means to me.

RiverTam · 14/08/2014 09:02

hold on, so this is a last-minute wedding that you only found out about a week ago? If that's the case then no, YANBU, say that you just can't make it work.

BeyoncesCat · 14/08/2014 09:02

Take your own chair?? YADNBU!! Confused

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 09:03

I'm not judging their wedding plans, I'm sure it will be great fun, but I've just got a few issues.

I know I should go, it's bad not to. But then if I ask someone if they would go if it were them, they say no.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 09:03

Look, I would be feeling exactly the same, OP. I really would. But you've left it a bit late. Just try and make the most of it, and stay the shortest time you politely can.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 09:05

I think the people you're asking are saying 'no' as in 'no, I wouldn't want to go - hypothetically'. But you've said yes, and it's in two days.

Nicknacky · 14/08/2014 09:05

I think I can understand the bring your own chair if it was a casual wedding with a bride and groom who are doing it on a budget. Although not the easiest thing to bring with you! I don't have camp chairs or anything, but by asking friends and family most people could probably get one. Or take the dining one!

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 09:05

Dd has to come back the day before the wedding. The ex husband has to go away at short notice, he can't have her longer as he won't be in the country.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 14/08/2014 09:05

Do you have something already that you can wear? Or borrow something? You can always not give a present. If they mind then they're not very good friends.

Surely being on your own won't be that much of a problem –
it sounds as though you'll all have a lot of catching up to do. And just because people are in couples doesn't automatically mean they won't talk to you. Hmm

If you can't handle social gatherings unless you're drinking I think you might need to have a look at that as a wider issue.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 09:07

BYO chair is crap - it's okay for a casual bbq, but for your wedding, you'd hire some, surely.

AnnabelleDarling · 14/08/2014 09:07

If you don't want to go then don't go.

By the sound of it it's not a highly choreographed affair, you won't be messing up the seating plan or disrupting the caterer!

Acolyte · 14/08/2014 09:08

I agree with those that said you've left it too late to pull out.

You'll probably have a great time, it's always the way when you're dreading something.

MaidOfStars · 14/08/2014 09:08

Do not give a £20 gift if you can't afford it. A token gift is fine, or even nothing if money is tight.

Can you not leave early to get back for work the next day? How far will you be travelling?

Reepits · 14/08/2014 09:09

I would not go, you made a mistake in saying yes, but it's easy to do when caught up in the moment.

Send the cash you saved on petrol.

Tbh I would not feel guilty either, I reality they probably won't miss you given the tenuous links you have with them.

OcadoSubstitutedMyHummus · 14/08/2014 09:10

If you only got the invite on Monday, have you actually responded yet? If not then politely decline asap.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 09:11

Thanks.

I have no problems with social gatherings.
I don't drunk very often, maybe a few times a year.
Everyone else is a heavy drinker.

I've not seen any of these people since I was 19. One when I last saw him we were snogging. I dated the groom when we were younger. He wasn't the one I kissed. They have all remained close friends and see each other. They all have the back up of each other.

To walk into that, totally on my own, I feel, is quite a big ask. It would be less scary having a party with people I had never known.

OP posts:
summerlovingliz · 14/08/2014 09:11

It's not the end of the world if u don't go, I'm sure your share of any food won't be wasted. I would ring and be honest with your friend, say u thought would be fine but now it's here u are finding organisation hard, they'll understand Smile

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