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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to a wedding this Saturday.

197 replies

Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 08:44

I have an invite, no plus one.
I've not seen the groom for 3 years, have met the bride maybe twice.
I will know people going, but the last time I saw most of them was over 15 years ago, while they have all stayed good friends.

There is a fair bit of driving involved, so I can't drink.

I can't take dd so need to get a babysitter. Dd comes back from 2 weeks at her fathers the day before.

I will need to get someone to cover my shift at work the next day, so will lose money.

I'm very skint and can't afford a cash gift ( as has been asked for)

It's take your own booze (but I wouldn't be drinking)

Take your own chair ( no seating)

And limited parking.

Would it be crap of me to not go?

OP posts:
firesidechat · 14/08/2014 09:47

Well don't go then. You don't need to justify your decision to us, but phone the groom now and let him know.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 09:48

I think I feel like the cost to me isn't worth it

I've not seen my daughter for two weeks, she's coming home and I'd need to get a sitter. All my spare money for a week off doing nice things would be spent on this wedding.

At the time I thought it would be ok, now things have changed slightly, It seems like too much of a cost for me.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/08/2014 09:49

Usually I would say it's too late to back out now. BUT it does sound very informal so I don't think your not going will be that much of a big problem to them. The fact that your ex has been called away last minute and can no longer have your DD is a valid reason to apologise and say you can no longer make it I'd say. I feel a bit sorry for the B&G but your position is extremely tricky. I'd send them a small but beautiful gift and a heartfelt card and I think they'll forgive you :)

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2014 09:49

It will not cost the B&G a fortune if one guest (Yes, I know there could be others but we're not discussing that) doesn't turn up. If it's a bbq kind of reception there will just be more food to go around. No drink has been paid for that will be wasted.
The OP isn't close to the B&G or the other guests any more. I would feel equally awkward in her shoes.

Yes, she should have declined in the first place but she didn't. The issue with a babysitter is definitely new.

Politeness dictates she should go, and normally I would be very pro about good manners in such a situation, but without meaning to be rude about the OP, will anyone really notice if she's not there?

And I certainly wouldn't use all my money for it at the expense of my DD.

I wouldn't go.

expatinscotland · 14/08/2014 09:50

Just cancel. Tell them your childcare fell through and be done with it.

Casual wedding fine, but then telling guests you want cash on top of that? Crass.

ladygracie · 14/08/2014 09:53

I agree that you can definitely cite childcare as a reason to cancel. But you must do it today!
Hope you have a lovely week with your daughter.

Nancy66 · 14/08/2014 09:53

Let them know today - don't just not turn up

SixImpossible · 14/08/2014 09:55

This is silly. OP is not an integral part of the wedding. It is not a formal, pay-by-head, sit-down meal. Nothing wrong with a budget wedding, nothing wrong with BYO chair or BYO booze - it is a good way of being able to invite your whole address list, which is exactly what this wedding sounds like.

But, ultimately, spending time with dd is more important than seeing people from half a lifetime ago, who haven't been all that bothered about keeping in touch.

Childcare arrangements have fallen through at the last minute. Send an email saying just that, apologise for your absence, sending them love and best wishes. Follow it up if you like with a card enclosing a £20 ( or whatever you can afford) and don't let it bother you for a moment longer.

Homebirthquestion · 14/08/2014 09:55

Yanbu. I wouldn't go. It doesn't sound like you'll be missed tbh and it sounds really hard work.

Bowlersarm · 14/08/2014 09:59

You shouldn't leave it so late to cancel. It is really unreasonable with no real reason to. Just that you'd rather not go.

You will cancel though. You just needed support from one or two posters to justify your decision.

GoringBit · 14/08/2014 10:01

OP whatever you decide, you should commit to it this morning... if you're not going, send your apology before lunchtime as a courtesy to B&G, but also to take this weight off your mind. If you are going, set your concerns to one side and make your arrangements.

Either way, I think you'll be less stressed for having made the decision.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 10:01

Would you not say being able to do a few things with my child, on a week off from work, and after I've not seen her for 2 weeks, is more important than spending it on people I've not seen in years and won't see in years?

That 20 pound present will buy some school uniform and a day at the beach with some chips and an ice cream.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 10:03

Basically I'm skint. That's what it boils down to.
If I've got 20 pounds spare, where is it best spent. It's shit that that is the situation, but it is what it is and there isn't a lot I can do about it.

OP posts:
CMP69 · 14/08/2014 10:03

I think if your child care plans have changed since you RSVP'd then you can decline. Do it asap as it is late notice but it's not a sit down meal so not an expense if you don't go. Personally I wouldn't go

ZenGardener · 14/08/2014 10:05

Ps. not being weird or anything but a BYO chair wedding is quite unusual.

One of your former friends might be reading this.

RedErik · 14/08/2014 10:06

I wouldn't go either.

Bowlersarm · 14/08/2014 10:06

If that was to me OP, no I wouldn't. You accepted in December. One day apart from your dd on top of two weeks doesn't negate not going to a wedding you've committed to.

You clearly don't want to go to the wedding. Well, then don't. But I don't think the reasons you give justify skipping it.

Anyway, you need to do it today, as you shouldn't have left it so late anyway.

RedErik · 14/08/2014 10:08

AND I wouldn't feel bad about it. Sounds like your life is hard enough without beating yourself around the head over something like this.

Deverethemuzzler · 14/08/2014 10:09

Don't go
It's too complicated and too expensive
If its byob and a BBQ it sound informal.

No need for the angst.

You can't manage it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/08/2014 10:13

You are backing out of their wedding last minute. Ordinarily that would be social suicide. I think if you want to maintain this friendship in future then I think you need to apologise profusely ASAP on the basis of your ex no longer having you DD. Then write them a lovely card wishing them well in their marriage and saying that you hope to meet up soon. I would also send them a small present that they will enjoy. You can spend as little as you can afford but choose very wisely. Whatever you spend will be a lot less than going to the wedding would have cost.

TheFirmament · 14/08/2014 10:13

Oh don't go OP. You have perfectly valid reasons, things have changed recently that have made it a lot harder for you.

Don't tell them you have changed your mind, as that is rude, but you could have a nasty migraine or tummy bug! (I wouldn't say childcare plans have fallen though, even though they have, because then they might say bring her and then you will have to go)

Then have a lovely night in with something nice for you like a takeaway.

DustyCropHopper · 14/08/2014 10:14

We had to cancel attending a wedding reception last minute after our babysitter got a bug and so couldn't babysit. No other sitters around at such short notice (we only use family or close friends). We sent an apology and explanation. I think in your situation I would send an email apologising but saying your childcare arrangements have fallen through so can not attend. It is partly true, you had childcare sorted, for free, now that has fallen through you can't afford to pay for it.

DustyCropHopper · 14/08/2014 10:15

We had to cancel attending a wedding reception last minute after our babysitter got a bug and so couldn't babysit. No other sitters around at such short notice (we only use family or close friends). We sent an apology and explanation. I think in your situation I would send an email apologising but saying your childcare arrangements have fallen through so can not attend. It is partly true, you had childcare sorted, for free, now that has fallen through you can't afford to pay for it.

firesidechat · 14/08/2014 10:16

Casual wedding fine, but then telling guests you want cash on top of that? Crass.

Are you saying that you only give a gift to the couple if they have a wedding reception that you approve of?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/08/2014 10:16

Casual weddings are fine, provided that the cost of the thing hasn't been transferred from the bride and groom who should be hosting, onto the people who are attending which is what has happened here.

They are probably congratulating themselves on doing it so cheaply, and hoping that the cash gifts will cover what expenditure they have had.

OP - you must decline the invitation today though, don't leave it any later.