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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to a wedding this Saturday.

197 replies

Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 08:44

I have an invite, no plus one.
I've not seen the groom for 3 years, have met the bride maybe twice.
I will know people going, but the last time I saw most of them was over 15 years ago, while they have all stayed good friends.

There is a fair bit of driving involved, so I can't drink.

I can't take dd so need to get a babysitter. Dd comes back from 2 weeks at her fathers the day before.

I will need to get someone to cover my shift at work the next day, so will lose money.

I'm very skint and can't afford a cash gift ( as has been asked for)

It's take your own booze (but I wouldn't be drinking)

Take your own chair ( no seating)

And limited parking.

Would it be crap of me to not go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 10:16

Gosh, I wouldn't be buying a take away. Too skint for things like that.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 14/08/2014 10:19

When I say a gift, I mean whatever you can afford. 30 years ago we had tea towels on our wedding list. We really were setting up home together.

expatinscotland · 14/08/2014 10:20

Keep your money.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 10:25

There wasn't a gift list, there was one of those poems asking for cash.

Which makes it worse as anything under 20 pounds looks awful.

However, when I got married eons ago, most guests brought nothing. The groom and his friends came and didn't even bring a card.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 10:25

Actually that was the last time I saw most of them.

OP posts:
dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 14/08/2014 10:31

This is something I don't get about Mumsnet. Big, formal weddings are generally criticised, but the moment that someone has an informal, DIY wedding it's somehow seen as less important. Although the "financial harm" resulting from a late cancellation is lesser at a DIY BYOB sort of wedding it is equally rude. The couple wanted to celebrate with you regardless of how long it has been since they last saw you. I invited people to my 30th I hadn't seen for several years and I was delighted they RSVPd and really looked forward to seeing them. I would have been so, so upset if they had cancelled a few days before.

expatinscotland · 14/08/2014 10:34

Poems asking for cash are naff.

They don't sound like friends.

SixImpossible · 14/08/2014 10:34

In this case cancellation is not rude, it is unavoidable.

"Hi darling, did you have a nice fortnight with Daddy? I missed you so much. Now come and meet this stranger. She's going to put you to bed t

ajandjjmum · 14/08/2014 10:34

It sounds like one of those 'school reunion' type situations - the invite comes, and you think how good it would be to catch up, and as it gets closer, you realise it might just be awkward if you've not kept in touch with people.

Maybe let them know that your DD is coming home sooner, due to her Dad's work arrangements, and you can't get a babysitter?

SixImpossible · 14/08/2014 10:35

onight. Bye-bye darling."

Hmm
KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 10:37

the moment that someone has an informal, DIY wedding it's somehow seen as less important.

I don't remember anybody saying it's 'less important'. Just that the circumstances of the invitation mean they might be less inclined to go.

If you invited me to your big, formal wedding and didn't tell me until a few days before that I needed to bring my own chair and there was nowhere to park and you would like a cash gift, I'd be equally Hmm

eddielizzard · 14/08/2014 10:41

don't go. cite childcare problems.

would have been better to decline at the time but see why you didn't. i think you should spend the time with your dd.

Clarabum · 14/08/2014 10:46

I wouldn't go. It sounds like a total faff. I think if then had told everyone that you had to bring your own chair and drink then they'd have had a few more declines.

I agree with Alibaba upthread, cash gifts are fine if it's not a wedding where you have to provide most of the food drink. They are essentially providing a buffet and you are providing the rest. I love and informal wedding but I certainly wouldn't be asking for cash gifts.

If you were having an informal wedding then I don't think they'd be as precious as to be offended if you cancelled. I doubt there will be a table plan to mess up if you have to bring a chair. Any meal allowance will probably be eaten by the other guests if it's a buffet.

Keep your money and spend it with your daughter before she goes back to school. I'm really don't get why everyone is saying you MUST go if you have accepted. Plans change, it's not the end of the world if you miss out on an acquaintance's "big day".
don't really get the wedding hysteria

McFlickle · 14/08/2014 11:00

I'm usually a stickler for going to something when you've said you'd go, especially a wedding, but I'd give yourself a free pass in this case. The pros do not outweigh the cons.
Childcare arrangement have fallen through, you have limited funds and a precious week off with DD and I think making the most of that week is more important than people you never see.
Apologise and send a card.

Panzee · 14/08/2014 11:07

Normally I would say don't cancel, but your childcare has fallen through, that's no lie. Phone with your apologies.

LadyLuck10 · 14/08/2014 11:07

I can't get past the bring your own chair bit, how tacky. I wouldn't go op, you have good reasons besides this, it's not like they reserved a seat for you or anything.

LittleBearPad · 14/08/2014 11:15

Bugger it. I've changed my mind. Don't go. You have a perfectly good reason. Your childcare plans have fallen over and so you can't go.

kentishgirl · 14/08/2014 11:17

I must be weird then as this sounds like a lovely wedding to me.

OP - you accepted. It would be rude to cancel at the last minute because of cold feet.

I'm with dancingwithmyselfandthecat. There are responses on here that are definitely sneery about the type of wedding they are having and seeing it as not as serious a wedding as a more expensive/formal one. To the couple, it's still their wedding and their special day they want to share with you. I'd be so hurt if someone turned their nose up at my wedding or didn't think it was as good as anyone elses, and that I didn't deserve a wedding present like anyone else, just because I couldn't afford to spend thousands of pounds on it.

trevortrevorslattery · 14/08/2014 11:19

I totally agree that you don't have to go - childcare arrangements have fallen through and this is a good reason. Please don't make up a story about illness or anything else though as then you will be feeling guilty about lying!

Just let them know today and wish them well for the big day.

Enjoy your week with your daughter!

Panzee · 14/08/2014 11:21

It does sound like a lovely day, to spend with friends and family. Not with people you've not seen for years and with no childcare.

Zucker · 14/08/2014 11:26

I wouldn't go, they're not really friends anymore are they? You don't need to justify this, just carry on with your life.

YouTheCat · 14/08/2014 11:27

It doesn't matter what kind of wedding it is. OP has no money and no babysitter. What do you think she should do? Put her child in the boot and carry on?

She can't magic up the funds from thin air.

OP, cancel today. It's not like they've paid out for an expensive meal for you anyway. Send them a card and wish them all the best and then have fun with your dd.

Some people on this thread seem to think there is an inexhaustible money tree with babysitters on every branch.

Floggingmolly · 14/08/2014 11:28

Take your own booze and chair?? You won't be putting them out one iota by cancelling late, they obviously haven't gone to all that much trouble on the hospitality front. And they've added for cash, as well...

grocklebox · 14/08/2014 11:29

normally it would be rude and Id say suck it up. But if guests are providing booze and chairs and the food is a bbq, all of which is fine, you arent going to cost anyone anything and frankly Id say they would struggle to care.

wiltingfast · 14/08/2014 11:33

Look OP, I had a big palaver of a wedding and we got loads of last minute cancellations, just as my mum had said we would. Stuff comes up/happens and people can't make it. It's a bit stressy but not that big a deal. So don't wreck your head over not going if you really feel it's too big an ask.

On the other hand, you might enjoy seeing all those people again after all this time, it's an outing for just you and maybe you will regret not going? Old friends are often the easiest...

Up to you really op but I wouldn't stress too much about cancelling late.

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