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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to a wedding this Saturday.

197 replies

Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 08:44

I have an invite, no plus one.
I've not seen the groom for 3 years, have met the bride maybe twice.
I will know people going, but the last time I saw most of them was over 15 years ago, while they have all stayed good friends.

There is a fair bit of driving involved, so I can't drink.

I can't take dd so need to get a babysitter. Dd comes back from 2 weeks at her fathers the day before.

I will need to get someone to cover my shift at work the next day, so will lose money.

I'm very skint and can't afford a cash gift ( as has been asked for)

It's take your own booze (but I wouldn't be drinking)

Take your own chair ( no seating)

And limited parking.

Would it be crap of me to not go?

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 14/08/2014 09:12

If you haven't organised swapping shifts, getting a babysitter, outfit etc yet and its only two days away sounds like you have already made up your mind you are not going so bit of a pointless thread.

Incredibly rude to the couple who's invitation you accepted (unless you are drip feeding massive issues that have significantly changed your circumstances since accepting).

DaisyFlowerChain · 14/08/2014 09:15

If you rsvp'd then it's wrong to not go unless sick or an emergency crops up.

Small weddings are lovely but of you have to bring your own chair and drink then the bride and groom are being very grasping to ask for cash on top!

It does sound like you have only been invited to bump up their cash tally if you've not seen them in years or stayed close.

averythinline · 14/08/2014 09:15

How old is DD, could she not come with you? or for the day bit then leave in the evening if its a very casual wedding then that maybe an option...you could contact them and say ex has left you in the lurch? I would struggle to raise a sitter in short notice and would also resent paying for one - so if its ex that's changed plans maybe he could cover the cost of the sitter if its not an option to take her...

I do understand your reluctance I would find it very hard as well going at all/on my own- (not v sociable in groups)...but a casual one could make it easier to mingle...if you're not in contact with them regularly then things will have changed for them too...Smile if you can do it may find a big confidence boost as it can be tricky to do that sort of stuff on your own....

BigbyWolf · 14/08/2014 09:15

I don't think you have to go at all. The reasons you've given for not going are perfectly reasonable and acceptable!

There would be nothing wrong in telling them politely that circumstances have changed since you accepted, you can't get a babysitter for dd, so you won't be able to go.

Lumineer · 14/08/2014 09:15

I'd normally say it's too late notice but given they are only providing BBQ food for you, rather than a sit down meal, I can't imagine the quantities required will change much.

Can't you tell them the truth- that XH's plans changed at late notice (actual truth), you don't have a sitter (stretch of truth) and therefore can't go.

I think you'll have to accept they may be pissed off though. If you can deal with that then don't go.

HayDayQueen · 14/08/2014 09:16

You've received last minute details about the wedding which seem to have changed it quite significantly, and the arrangements for your child have fallen apart.

I think the combination of the 2 means that you gave a good reason not to go.

BYO chair means no seating plans, there wouldn't be a per head cost, just so e general food budgeting 'for approximately X people'.

I would give a heart felt apology and say you can't go due to changed circumstances.

If they only sent details out this Monday i can't see that it would be a big deal to pull out with a few days notice.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 09:17

I accepted back in December. I think I hadn't thought about the realities of going

I was meant to have the sitter sorted by the ex has put a spanner in the works last min.

I do have someone covering my shift, but I can't do a shift in return for her as she wants me to do it while I'm on holiday.

I saw one of the people who will be at the party, in my work place at the weekend. They know I work there. Didn't come and say hi. Then the reality of walking into somewhere with all these people who are all best mates, hit me.

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 14/08/2014 09:18

Just get in contact and say your child care arrangements have changed, sorry, wish them every happiness. You were invited at the beginning of the week, you accepted, now circumstances have changed. I understand about having a very limited budget and wanting to spend the money on doing something with your daughter.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 09:18

They sent the invitations out in December?!

Cinnamon73 · 14/08/2014 09:19

I think you should go.

It sounds to me that you are trying to get out of it - for perfect valid reasons - but because you feel uncomfortable because you are single?

I would suggest you get a really nice outfit, maybe borrow one from a friend if possible, get some nice soft drinks for you, buy a token gift and go.

confusedgirlfromtheShire · 14/08/2014 09:19

I think I would either:

a) Go for two hours, just to show my face, be seen to have been there, snaffle a hog roll at the BBQ, say hi to people then slope off quietly, texting the bride/groom later with a really lovely and warm message wishing them all the very best but excusing your sudden absence without saying goodbye with "sorry, there was a childcare emergency and I had to leave in a rush". Don't take your own chair, be prepared to stand. Easier to make a quick getaway then without being noticed.

If this really doesn't work because of distances involved.....

b) just not go, but cancel today saying you have developed a severe XXX which will not be better by saturday and your doctor has advised you to rest. Offer to send them some cash if they will be out of pocket as a result (but doesn't sound like they will be) and I would have thought most people would decline the offer.

If you don't go, you will have the money from your Sunday shift and will save on a load of petrol, so use (some of) this money for the cash gift - send lovely card with cheque enclosed.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 09:20

The invite came out ages ago, email about the details came Monday.

Haven't seen or heard from them in between that. Nothing about the hen or stag do.

Can't take dd, it's a no children wedding

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/08/2014 09:21

Just tell them your sitter fell through. No chair and they tout for money? Mi'd have declined at the outset.

wigglesrock · 14/08/2014 09:22

Sorry have just reread, I've got the invited on Monday but wrong. Anyway your work situation has changed, apologise profusely. A few people cancelled late when I got married, I didn't think twice about it. It doesn't sound like its a per head cost.

Preciousbane · 14/08/2014 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZenGardener · 14/08/2014 09:23

Don't bother go. It sounds too much effort and money. Say your DD is sick and use the money for some nice days out/treats with her.

expatinscotland · 14/08/2014 09:23

Don't give them money if you can't afford it.

Nancy66 · 14/08/2014 09:24

you're not going to go, you've clearly made your mind up.

I get your reasons but leaving it so late is rather rude.

Nicknacky · 14/08/2014 09:24

Have you asked exh to pay for babysitting as you have had this planned for 8 months? It is his plans that have changed.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 09:25

I think, if money wasn't an issue, I'd get a nice outfit and man up and go.

Then there's the work issue too. The childcare issue, the not knowing anyone thing. The no parking ( making it difficult to get there)

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 09:26

Yeah, I don't think sending out invitations 7 months before the wedding, without all the full info on them, is really cricket. How are people supposed to know what they're accepting? Confused

Given all the circumstances, I've now changed my mind to 'tell a polite lie'. Do it as soon as possible, though!

Dubjackeen · 14/08/2014 09:26

Bring your own chair, how would that work, I wonder?
Would you have to label it, in case everyone brought the same type of chair. Grin
I'd decline politely, it sounds quite casual, and there is nothing wrong with that, but it means at least there isn't some huge cost per head that they will be stuck for, in the case of any drop outs.

Walkacrossthesand · 14/08/2014 09:26

I'm with the 'don't go' camp. When you accepted, you thought childcare and work shifts were sorted. Now, at the last minute, childcare is going to cost, you'll lose a day's pay, and on reflection you're apprehensive about walking into the event on your own. The recent email has made it clear that arrangements are informal, and these are people you've not seen for years - I don't think they'll be too put out if you contact them and say your ex can't have DD as you were planning, so you won't be able to come, but wish them all the best etc etc.
What if they say 'bring DD' - will that make it a go-er? If not, better have a comeback ready for that one...,

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 14/08/2014 09:26

Haha haha at ex paying for babysitting.

Haha, you are having a laugh :)

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 09:27

So there's no parking, but they expect people to bring their own chair? On public transport, or park miles away and carry it? Strange planning.