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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to 'accidently' wake up DP during every night feed.

211 replies

jellybelly701 · 11/08/2014 08:30

Or just whenever I feel like waking him up actually.

Sorry it is so long.
DS is now almost 9 months old and the boy just doesn't sleep. All he wants to do is play and stand up, I can get him to have two, one hour naps a day but he often refuses to go to sleep at night. His bedtime is 7pm but for the past month he still hasn't been asleep my 10pm he will wake up at 3am every morning without fail and sometimes he just won't go back to sleep for two hours. Then he's awake and ready to start the day by 7am.

He is breastfed so I have always been the one to wake in the night and since he has been born I've been getting on average 5-6 hours of sleep a night and never more than 3 hours at a time. DP works FT, he does need a good nights sleep so I just get on with it on my own.

However the sheer lack of consideration from DP is making my blood boil. Weekends are supposed to be my lie in days. DS is eating solids and finger foods now so DP can give him breakfast and entertain him so I can get a few hours sleep. DP hasn't woken up until 11-1 every weekend and I have been up since 7 on my 'lie in' days.

DP always decides at about 11pm that he wants a shower before bed. Ds room is directly next to bathroom and the bath and shower are in the same place as his cot, just on the other side of the wall. The shower wakes him up because it sounds like a bloody jumbo jet and once showered DP gets into bed and goes to sleep, so I am left trying to stay awake feeding DS in a warm, dark and silent room when all I want to do is sleep.

DP wakes ds every single morning, if his two-minutely alarms going off from 5:30-7 (he just sleeps through them all even with a sonic boom alarm clock) doesn't do the trick then the banging around and shouting up the stairs certainly does.

This morning he must have actually woken up to his alarms for once because at 7am both me and ds was still both asleep, until DP couldn't find something for work and somehow thought I would know where it was. I didn't of course so a lot of banging around and him being as loud as possible has woken DS.

I'm getting fed up of it. So, WIBU to wake DP during the night and make sure he gets no more than 6 hours a night and 3 hours at a stretch so he can see how I feel?

Or failing that,

WIBU to kill him?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 11/08/2014 08:33

Is your DH a selfish arse in any other aspect of life op?

TomatoSorbetWoman · 11/08/2014 08:33

Why not just talk to him about it

nostress · 11/08/2014 08:34

Are you BF at night? If so stop. Only give water at night. Do not get him out of his cot. You need to get firm.DP could also be the one that offers the water.

LadyLuck10 · 11/08/2014 08:34

I think during the week it should you waking up as he is working ft. During the weekends you should definitely get your lie in. You can each have a day of lie in.

HeySoulSister · 11/08/2014 08:38

This reply has been deleted

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mindthegap79 · 11/08/2014 08:39

YWNBU! I feel your pain. My dd is 5.5 months and also breastfed, so I do every single feed. DH is good in the mornings - he always makes me a cup of tea.

Your DH sounds like an arse, and a very selfish one at that. Have you got a spare room you can make him sleep in?

If I were you I'd be having serious words!

Original poster
jellybelly701 · 11/08/2014 08:40

I have tomato he will be a little more considerate for about two days and then continue as normal.

bitout no, not really, well other than him being extremely messy and not cleaning up after himself. Besides that he is great.

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 11/08/2014 08:42

He does sound like an inconsiderate prick! I think you should have a chat about this and just frame it like this: I'm really struggling here and need your help. A few simple things will really help me to get as much sleep as I can. 1: shower when you get in from work, sort out your work stuff the night before. No more multiple alarms on your phone.
If he refuses to do any of the above then he is a massive tool.

indigo18 · 11/08/2014 08:43

I don't think you should wake him if you are going to BF anyway. You do need to get his agreement for more considerate behaviour though. Do you have another room for DS to sleep in, away from the shower (might not be possible ), or could DH shower earlier? Have you discussed these issues?

however · 11/08/2014 08:44

He gets up in the middle of the day at weekends? You're shitting me.

Piss in his tea.

PopularNamesInclude · 11/08/2014 08:45

Whether DH is working FT or not, you should not be left sleep-deprived for 5 days in a row (and often the weekends, too) for week after week. That's ridiculous. Clearly you also have to be up with your DS all day and attending to his needs - you are also working and you need your sleep every bit as much.

Your routines with DS are not working for you and you need to reassess these. You say this has been going on for the past month - children do go through phases of not sleeping and this can be really rough. Put yourself first a bit more and figure out what you need to do to get everyone a reasonable amount of sleep.

Your DH's behaviour sounds selfish and unreasonable. Have you talked all this through with him? What does he say?

And no, I don't think the passive-aggressive wake-him-up-too idea is a good one. You need to sit down with him and make a plan.

Original poster
jellybelly701 · 11/08/2014 08:48

soul sister me getting a lie in at the weekends is only a recent agreement. Since DS has been born dp hasn't woken up at the weekend until at least 11 and sometimes as late as 2pm. Since our agreement was made about a month and a half ago I have had one lie in, if you can call getting up at 8:30pm on a Sunday a lie in.

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 11/08/2014 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 11/08/2014 08:50

Deepest sympathies op and totally remember this.

I did cc with mine at this age as I physically couldn't cope
Any more. Stop bf at night. Weather the crying storm if protest and stick with it.

I can't tell you how magically it worked for my 4. Took 3 nights tops and then slept through after being put down awake.

Your dh does sound like an in inconsiderate twat and with or without a baby how does he think it's ok to sleep that long into a weekend. How boring.

Honestly I know cc has a bad press on mumsnet but it literally saved my sanity.

Mine are all good citizens now and responsible happy older ones so not marked for life etc.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 11/08/2014 08:52

Why does he consider his sleep more important than yours? Is he always this selfish?

You need to talk to him, tell him at weekends you can have one day each to lie in. Don't ask. It's about time you kicked him up the backside.

gemdrop84 · 11/08/2014 08:53

Our ds was exactly the same as yours at that age, he was ff, however dh always mucked in so to speak and we each get a lie in at the weekends. Your dh sounds very inconsiderate and if it were me I'd be having stern words. You need your rest too.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 11/08/2014 08:53

The sleeping as late as 2pm is insane. Even my hung over teens were up earlier than this.

He's a dad now and should be up with you doing family things.

Wow. What an idiot. Kick arse time op.

Jinglebells99 · 11/08/2014 08:56

gosh he is being incredibly selfish. Late night showers and alarms going off every 2 minutes for an hour and a half?! He needs to shower earlier in the evening before the baby goes to bed. And he needs to get up when the alarm first goes off. If he doesn't need to be up till 7am, what's with the 5.30 am alarm. You must feel awful to be so sleep deprived. He is making your life so difficult with his self centred behaviour. Sad Sad

Original poster
jellybelly701 · 11/08/2014 08:57

I have discussed all of these issues with him.

With the alarm issue he feels like I should wake him up, and boy have I tried, I've stood there for over an hour prodding and shaking him, telling him to get up. I turn the big light on and he jumps out of bed to turn it of and immediately goes back to sleep. The whole time his alarms are going off EVERY TWO MINUTES. It puts me in an awful mood all day because its a really shitty way to spend the early hours of the morning.

With the lie in issue he feels that as he is so tired from working FT he shouldn't have to get up early on his days off.

OP posts:
PopularNamesInclude · 11/08/2014 08:58

Neither DH or I ever has a lie-in until 11 and much less 2pm unless one of us is ill. You don't leave one parent holding the baby until the day is half gone on a weekend! Everyone needs to make an effort to get into bed at a reasonable hour and get as much sleep as possible before the DC wake up for the day.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 11/08/2014 08:58

If he knows his 11.00 pm shower disturbs sleeping ds why does he carry on doing it?, that's just daft Confused and selfish.

Staying in bed til 2 in the afternoon is taking the piss unless he's a shift worker who works through the night.

Squidstirfry · 11/08/2014 09:01

At 9 months though, your ds should be able to go through without a feed in the night.

Consider being more assertive with your sleep trainnig, eg don't get him up fully, just go in if your ds wakes up, say "I love you but it's bedtime, get to sleep" and be consistant and boring about it. Do not entertain him or make it worthwhile for him to be awake.

Your DH needs to step up at the weekends ! Sleeping untill midday is shocking.

I also agree that you should talk about this and make your needs more clearly known.

crumpeteer · 11/08/2014 09:02

I think you could kill him ??. Him needing his sleep for working full time is one thing but banging about, loud showers late at night and multiple alarms are just not on- he obviously has no idea how precious a sleeping baby is! Could you implement whoever wakes baby gets baby back to sleep or my turn your turn? It might also help to make him less reliant on bf for sleeping. ( I bf to sleep to btw, no dig) How irritating!

Original poster
jellybelly701 · 11/08/2014 09:03

jinglebells I know, I tell him every night to set his alarm for when he actually intends to get up. He has no intention of getting up at 5:30 so why he sets his alarm for then I don't know. But he will only set the one alarm if I can wake him up. Which frankly isn't my responsibility he's a grown man figs.

This is a major issue for us at the minute because I tell him every night how much it annoys me and he just takes no notice. It isn't fair that his HIS alarms keep me awake all morning while he just continues to sleep through them.

OP posts:
PopularNamesInclude · 11/08/2014 09:03

Don't wake him up on weekdays. He is an adult - let him suffer the consequences of being late. Why the hell is that your job???

The alarm clock thing is utterly awful. Get rid of them. His alarm goes off ONCE, at a volume you can live with you, and he gets one, 10-minute snooze alarm. Anything more is madness.

And no, the precious wee snowflake does not need sleep more than you do. Human beings all need a pretty similar amount of sleep to stay healthy and alert. You count as one, OP.