to 'accidently' wake up DP during every night feed.

[jellybelly701]

Or just whenever I feel like waking him up actually.

Sorry it is so long.
DS is now almost 9 months old and the boy just doesn't sleep. All he wants to do is play and stand up, I can get him to have two, one hour naps a day but he often refuses to go to sleep at night. His bedtime is 7pm but for the past month he still hasn't been asleep my 10pm he will wake up at 3am every morning without fail and sometimes he just won't go back to sleep for two hours. Then he's awake and ready to start the day by 7am.

He is breastfed so I have always been the one to wake in the night and since he has been born I've been getting on average 5-6 hours of sleep a night and never more than 3 hours at a time. DP works FT, he does need a good nights sleep so I just get on with it on my own.

However the sheer lack of consideration from DP is making my blood boil. Weekends are supposed to be my lie in days. DS is eating solids and finger foods now so DP can give him breakfast and entertain him so I can get a few hours sleep. DP hasn't woken up until 11-1 every weekend and I have been up since 7 on my 'lie in' days.

DP always decides at about 11pm that he wants a shower before bed. Ds room is directly next to bathroom and the bath and shower are in the same place as his cot, just on the other side of the wall. The shower wakes him up because it sounds like a bloody jumbo jet and once showered DP gets into bed and goes to sleep, so I am left trying to stay awake feeding DS in a warm, dark and silent room when all I want to do is sleep.

DP wakes ds every single morning, if his two-minutely alarms going off from 5:30-7 (he just sleeps through them all even with a sonic boom alarm clock) doesn't do the trick then the banging around and shouting up the stairs certainly does.

This morning he must have actually woken up to his alarms for once because at 7am both me and ds was still both asleep, until DP couldn't find something for work and somehow thought I would know where it was. I didn't of course so a lot of banging around and him being as loud as possible has woken DS.

I'm getting fed up of it. So, WIBU to wake DP during the night and make sure he gets no more than 6 hours a night and 3 hours at a stretch so he can see how I feel?

Or failing that,

WIBU to kill him?

northlight sorry auto correct.

I also think he sounds like an inconsiderate prick I'm afraid. Why can't he have a shower in the morning or at work? How about one of those alarms that wake you gradually using light? (I'm not actually sure what I'm talking about but I think I read about them on here).

Definitely let him suffer a bit of sleep deprivation to understand your point a bit more fully, and I'd let him be late for work a few times so he learns to get himself up - it sounds like he is behaving more like a baby than the baby is.

PS: If you're planning to drop night feeds I found spraying myself with a lot of perfume really helped break the associate of me and food. Otherwise, get your DH to settle at night while you night-wean.

this is what I was talking about

I notice that you are able to enter into his feelings and sympathise with his crap work situation. Pity that isn't more of a two way street.

You're right though, being happier at work will probably make a huge difference. I know from experience that having a terrible boss can ruin even a job you love.

Good luck with everything jelly. You come over as a great mother and you deserve better than what you are enduring.

Oh jellybell I remember this age well. The thing is, your ds being one is just around the corner and night weaning/sleep training is all much much easier. I nearly broke down at the 8month stage because I was so sleep deprived. I could probably have sleep trained then but waited till ds was 12 months as dr sears recommends gentle sleep training then. It worked a charm and we had 7pm-7am sleeps till he turned 2 and it got tricky all over again.
Your dh is being a dick though! The shower thing is tricky, we had the same when ds was a baby (in terms of position of bathroom) and I used to not even flush (the shame) if I'd been to the loo for fear of waking the kraken. Oops, I mean the baby. Could you tell dh a shower is fine so long as he gets up with baby and settles him? (He probs doesn't need a breast feed so soon after bedtime anyway.)
The alarm thing is insane. Just wait till he's asleep (doesn't sound like it would be that difficult to do!) and change the time till 7am. Up to you whether you simply shout 'shit! It's 7, you'd better get up!' (and claim ignorance as to why it was set for a different time/try to make out it wasn't working or something), or just let him be late for work :-)
Failing that you could let him carry on with the alarm stupidity and when it wakes ds pre-7am simply pop him in bed with dh and tell him you're popping out for a run(/a croissant if you're me...) but will be back by 7am.
It will get easier especially when your dh grows up a bit.

It does sound like a bad habit.
I dont see the point it male you more likely to oversleep.
Are you feeding the baby to sleep.
Does he ever go to sleep without feeding as this is what you will need to work on.
We did CC at 11m and it worked within days.
If the baby wakes in the night keep everything fark and quiet and dont let them get up and play.
My 2yr old is still sleeping over2 hrs a day, if anything that amount of sleep is a bit low during the day.

If dh woke up dd showering at 11pm i would hand her over for him to get back to sleep.
He is not having the consequences of his actions.

Though he does sound ill to sleep to 2pm from 11.. Or does he go out weekend evenings?
He needs to regulate his sleep getting up no later than 10am at weekends
And anyway he is having maybe 8hrs per night that should be enough.
Are you feeding the baby in the same room with him and it is disturbing his sleep.

He sounds very young and a bit immature

Or... Goddammit this is sneaky but you could do as above day 1, then the next day when dh sets the alarm for 5.30am lean over at 5.34 (say) and say 'shit! It's 7am!' thus ensuring he never trusts you again to wake him/tell the truth about what time it is and starts to take responsibility for when he gets up. Or just say 'I'm not YOUR mum you know!' Which might wake him up (no pun intended) to the fact he's not 14 anymore. Fingers crossed...

naty

I do feed him to sleep And he rarely goes to sleep without a feed first which I know is a bad habit to get into. I think I will give sleep training a go when he is at least about 10+mo, right now I don't think I could handle leaving him to cry.

monkeymama I have already done that when I was pregnant. I told him that it was 8 o'clock and he was really late for work, it was only 6am but by the time he realised he was already washed and dressed. The next day at about 4am my waters broke. At 4:30 (once I was sure I wasn't just peeing the bed) I woke him up telling him my waters had broken. He didn't believe me and thought I was screwing with him to get him out of bed so I threw my soaking wet pyjama bottoms at him. I've never seen anyone move so quickly in my life,

Feeding to sleep is not a bad habit. That's crap.

All on good time your child will learn to sleep by themselves with no stress or howling.

winkywinkola I second that! Feeding to sleep is the most natural, relaxing, soothing and nurturing thing to do. Babies ask for milk through the night because they are growing at a rate of knots and need to remain hydrated and with sufficient nutrition to support that growth. Controlled crying, night weaning and other such practices all attempt to circumvent biology. Denying a baby what it physiologically needs cannot, to my mind, be a good thing.

You know that the alarm clock wasn't the problem, don't you?

Your DH is the problem. And you sound gullible.

You missed several weekend lie-ins, that had been agreed in advance, because you couldn't wake him up!!! He was awake. Of course he was awake. He just knew you give up easily.

I'd have poured a glass of water on him or blasted very loud music right in his ear. Or, most likely, plonked baby beside him and gone to sleep elsewhere. I would move back to the bedroom when they finally surfaced. Of course I'd get no rest, but that's not the point. Letting him know he can't get away with it is the point.

I'd do the same with the morning alarms. If he sets the alarm for 5.30, he'd be getting up at 5.30, no fucking way I'd let him sleep. Even if it meant I'd have to suffer getting up at 5.30 too for a few days to properly make sure he was awake by ANY means necessary. But it would be worth it to make the point. I would tell him very very clearly that whenever the alarm goes off I will be ensuring he gets up.

If he wakes the baby at 11, he puts the baby to sleep at 11. I BF all of mine to 13 months. I doubt your DS needs the milk. Maybe it is comfort for you or an "easy" way to get him to sleep. Btw, he is more likely to take a bottle from you DH than you. Lots of people transition to a system where DH gives a bottle of water at night at this age. Baby soon decides to sleep through. In your case it gives him the pain of the night shower.

He should feel pain as a direct result of his actions: alarm at 5.30 = get up at 5.30; wake baby at 11pm = settle baby at 11; agree to give you a lie in = get up for the lie in.

If you want him to respect you the you have to enforce it or LTB.

Repeatedly telling him to change his behavior because he ignores your wishes does nothing but irritate you both.

I wouldn't show him this thread. You might need MN later.

jelly you can't give 9 month old babies bad habits - you give them what they need, whether that be an actual need for milk or an emotional need to be with their Mum. They grow out of it when they are good and ready.

The baby is NOT the problem here.

I was refering to him doing snooze being a bad habit.
But actually the feeding to sleep is a bad habit, if you have a baby that wont sleep through or go to sleep by themself, ever as mine wouldnt.
And not sure its good for teeth in long term as its after brushing.
I would say the same if someone was always rocking naby to sleep (or patting as that didnt work for me)
All very useful with a young baby.
(And my 11m old did not need any food in the night, or water it was just that the lack of sucking and how they went to sleep left her in a very light sleep but all babies are different.)
The OP is exhausted ...

bonkers well said

See, I don't want DS to be totally reliant on me to fall asleep. But at the same time he has cut his daytime feeds down to four. 1 in the morning, 1 at night and 1 before each of his two naps, so I want to make sure he is still getting all the milk he needs. Besides as much as I hate having my sleep disturbed I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy sleepy milky cuddles at night.

Your DP is a twunt.

Your DS is reverse cycling. Very common when they are too busy playing I the day. It's a phase and will pass.

Hi Jelly

I haven't read all of the posts above, but have read all of yours.

I can sympathise with you and having a DH who loves his sleep. However, mine is really great during the week. His alarm goes off at 4:30 ish- he jumps out of bed to turn it off before it wakes me (I work evenings) or DD up. He gets his clothes out the night before and gets ready for work elsewhere in our very cramped flat so as not to disturb us. The mornings that he does wake us up are few and far between, but I will have a go at him for it.

before DD was born my DH was a nightmare to wake up - he often falls asleep on the sofa even now - I don't bother to try and wake him as I have spent over an hour trying to do that before. I think the only thing that has successfully woke him was a glass of cold water over his head.
He has always loved his sleep, and always been a nightmare to wake up.
But he is a Dad now, and he has his responsibilities. He has stepped up. It sounds like he needs to do the same.

Btw - every so often my DH comes out with "I work FT" - well I do 25hrs a week AFTER having DD all day and doing most of the housework etc. he gets an earful every time he comes out with that gem. If I thought he was serious with these comments I would actually keep a log of all I do in terms or childcare and housework, and add it all up. Put it to him in black and white that he isn't that hard done by.....

Try putting baby to bed later? I struggled for moths with bed at 7pm. Nope naturally my DD goes to sleep at 9.30pm at the earliest.
That solves that part.

The waking in the night we get too, I think it's teething pain. No talking rule, no playing. Feed back to sleep works.

But the DH with a noisy snooze button. No way is that ok. Inconsiderate.

Tell him to shower by 8pm then baby to bed after that. That's a reasonable compromise.

You need to be a team. Or else threaten to wean onto bottles and delegate all the night settling. You may get more reasonable behaviour from your DH then.

coldest that's actually not a bad idea. I have an old diary in my drawer where the days are split up into hours, I could write down exactly what I do and when so he can see just how much I do. If that doesn't stop the ' I work FT' crap I could always beat him around the head with it.

coldfeet

Sorry, auto correct.

justgotosleep

His bedtime was at 10pm for a while but we decided to change it so I could have a few hours in the evening to relax. It worked quite well and its only really been the last month or so that he has been fighting sleep until late. I'm hoping it is just a phase, but if it isn't then I will push his bedtime up to about 9- 9:30pm.

Justgotosleepnow great post. Teething at this stage is definitely going to be giving your DS discomfort, possibly not enough to bother him during the day but will intrude as soon as he tries to rest (think combo of headache/toothache/sore throat from too much saliva). Later bedtime to allow DH to shower after work also very sensible suggestion.

I hadn't actually thought about teething! Do you think that could be the reason he is so reluctant to go to sleep/bed? I have ran my finger across his gums but I can't feel anything.

Your DH is being inconsiderate. I work full time in a demanding job with a long commute so DW did all night waking with our kids. I tiptoed round the house in the morning and she got both lie-ins at the weekend because she was tired and I love her and I want to fairly share the not so good stuff about parenting.

Certainly could if he doesnt have any. Though some dont get any till a yr.
Dd got first at 6-7m. And it hurts for a while before.
Some can want to suck more for comfort.