To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

[Mummytoagorgeouschops]

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

I think Spero has a point.

If you went to your GP with DSD and told the Doc your DSD is always claiming to be ill and insists on sleeping only with your DP and always asks him to put sudocreme on her bits - and just watch their face.

I posted initially about a flippant response to his "jokes"
But i do think, having read your updates that this is not a flippant issue.
I think you both sound insecure and immature and this can only be to the detriment of these two little girls.

He sounds an arse, the 5 year olds mother sounds a user And you seem to be projecting some of the blame onto your 5 year old dsd.

Nothing is the fault of a 5 year old child. Nothing.

Sort out your relationship with the Dick head or split up.

None of this anger is doing you or either of the children here any good.

Yy what thebody said.
Maybe i was harsh about you. Sorry. But nothing here is the fault of a little girl. You cant use her as a scapegoat to avoid facing the fact that your Dp is a knob.
I dont understand why the bed sharing disgusts you.

Yes don't see why the bed sharing is disgusting really. When ours were little we played musical beds with the kids, anything for sleep.

Op I think you may not realise this but it seems to me you want your partner to treat your own dd with the same love/attention as his first child, and quite right too, but he's playing you all off against each other here.

Its you 3 adults who need to change not the children.

I think you needs serious chat with your DH about his disrespect, taking you for granted and potential financial abuse. Don't wait until the situation arises again. Tackle it now while you're calm.

I agree with the others that thus is not the fault of DSD. I have fond memories of climbing into my parents bed after a nightmare. She's suffering too here.

I dot use her as a scapegoat! I look after her and am nothing but kind to her! I don't project any anger onto her. At all!

I'm not immature at all!! I'm bringing up these kids more or less by myself, holding down and job and all domestic duties etc. yes I do want DP to treat DD either same affection, of course I do!! I know that it isn't any fault of DSD so stop insinuating all of you!!! You seriously have no idea how difficult it is!

He's payin money out to his ex left right and fucking centre for what!? Fuck all!! Yet expects me to use my wages to feed and clothe both of his children when his ex sends DSD in clothes which are too tight or don't fasten!

Don't think that I have any thing other than sympathy for that little girl with a mother like that! Shes barely seen her and girls need their mums at any age.

Ok. Sorry, i was unreasonably harsh.
But your recent post about your Dsd is not kind. And it does give the impression of some projection of your anger at your Dp onto her.
You are being treated badly by this man.
Who gives you support? What do your family/ friends think of him?

Your anger is misplaced. Direct it at your prick of a partner, not posters taking time to help you understand the situation.

I have just re read your post from sunday night and its really quite unpleasant about a five year old girl.

So i understand it must be very difficult. But you are describing her badly "puts on a stupid baby voice" etc. that whole piece was about you seeing her as a sneaky girl who manipulates your helpless DP. You can argue that isnt the case, and that you are super lovely to her, but it belies what you have written.

If you work who is looking after the DDs.

Does the ex work?

You can't change other people. You can only change yourself. So don't waste time criticizing him however much he deserves it.

I would see a solicitor to see how you would stand financially should you split up - not that you plan to but it is easier to argue with a selfish DP if you know you could leave should you choose to.

Stop babysitting DSD. She is his DD and his ex's so they should be caring for her. That way she will prob be at her DM's more so you won't be providing for her.

See a counselor to try to fathom out why he does this claim of not being the father. Probably it's guilt at leaving his ex and breaking DSD's home or something, hopefully someone knowledgable can help there. He doesn't feel the need to do it for your DD maybe because she is little, DSD is old enough to voice her neediness hence his guilt.

Have a quite time for an honest discussion with him without interruption to voice your fears calmly. Though probably won't work as he is too difficult.

Aren't directing it at posters. I just think or someone whose really trying her best to hold everything together which little support I'm gettin a bashing when all I seem to do is help people out practically, emotionally and financially at detriment to me an my own daughter if I'm honest.

My mum likes him but he's told me I new to put my foot down regarding childcare arrangements.

DPs sister is great - she's been in a very similar situation herself and knows DSDs mother and says she's just using all of us an has no desire to see her daughter which I think is very sad actually. I do my best to make up or that in a way.

RE the bed/sleeping arrangements it doesn't actually bother me that much. I quite enjoy having the bed to myself. I was never allowed to sleep in my mum or dads bed - even in the morning so I suppose it all ive known. I was always scared of rolling onto DD so I got her into her Moses basket/cot and it worked

My mum likes him but he's told me I new to put my foot down regarding childcare arrangements

What does this mean?
Does your DM do all the childcare for both DDs when you are at work or what?

Op honestly I think we all sympathise with you in this. Of course you can vent here without it coming across to the children but your post about your dsd did sound harsh.

However you really sound, quite rightly, at the end if your tearher and need to be pro active now before you really start to resent dsd.

Please see that your partner and his ex are using you amd your partner is also enjoying the mind games between you and his dsd by favouring her and belittling you and his younger dd.

You need to change your circumstances.

You need to take all that justified anger and direct it at your partner to demand change or dump him.

Personally I would dump him as he doesn't sound worth the hassle.

Why do you use your money for DSD? Is it family money? Do you have access to your DH's wages too?

I think your post last night was borne out of frustration, you're being used and feeling resentful of the situation and rightly so. It needs to be directed strongly at your DH. He is taking the piss.

Who looks after the dsd during school term time?
I think your dp referring to your dd as "your child" rather than "our child" is more worrying than the jokes. Maybe you should get a dna test done so there can be no further discussion about it

You have so much anger, but you are not focusing on the right person.

This often happens when there is one person in the centre who has everyone dancing to his/ her tune, manipulating and using others in order to come out of it untouched like Teflon.

Who do you think that is?

I use my money or DSD because I can't stand seeing her in clothes which don't fit or have huge holes in them. I feel she has a right to half decent, warm clothes that fit her. Her mother gets plenty of money off DP. I do a lot of shopping in charity shops etc.

Regarding work I usually work nights and do two mornings a week. The kid are in bed when I'm working nights and DPs mum will have the kids or my mum on the mornings I'm at work.

I understand that post about DSD made me sound resentful I'd just had a day of tantrums and kicking and screaming by then and had had enough. I've re read it though and it does sound bad on my behalf. I just typed it and didn't think before I posted. I'm doing my best

The next time he makes the 'joke' and so long as your dsd isn't around, I'd turn the joke back at him and say that he is only saying it because it's obvious he's more worried worried that the milkman/whoever he suggested is your dd's dad is actually dsd's dad.

Then sit back and watch the fireworks blow...

And then when he has calmed down you can point out how offensive he found it, that you find it equally offensive when he says it about dd, that you don't believe it for a minute but that the next time that 'jokes' like that are made, you will be pointing out to all those listening that you agree and that he is very noble for bringing up two of the milkman's children.

Hopefully this will shock him enough to make him realise how horrible he is being. And the great thing is that youare only doing to him exactly what he is doing to you - you've told him that you don't believe it's true for dsd either and that he is the one that is responsible for you saying it again as you'll only say it if/when he jokes about your dd again.

I wouldn't usually dream of involving dsd - or at least invoking her name in this case - in something like this but given your dh's behaviour I do think it's justified. You sound at the end of your tether with him and I'm not surprised given the circumstances. I would definitely be telling him that you want money to buy clothes, go swimming etc. Definitely not fair that you should pay. What would happen if you went out early with just dd and left him to sort out childcare for dsd if he was supposed to be working? Or told him that you have plans to take dd swimming but can't afford for dsd to come too so she will have to go with him today?

It sounds like he is one of those people that thinks that 'what's yours is ours and what's mine is mine' unfortunately.

miscellaneous I think it all boils down to DP. Although I think his ex also has a lot to answer for but ultimately its him

If I'm desperate DP will lend me some money for food etc. he pays the bills, I pay for food clothes the majority of the car maintenance etc.

During term time we have DSD from Friday night until Sunday night and then tuesday and Wednesday night we will go over and take her out for her tea. By the time we have dropped her off at her mums she's asleep (we take PJs with us an dress her before we set off back to her mums) and she goes straight up to bed. DSD and her mum and boyf have recently moved 30 miles away (just before the hols) and we had her a lot more last year because we could drop her off at school as it was onl a 4 miles drive. She would stay Friday night until Monday morning then Tuesday and Wednesday night too.