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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 23/08/2014 22:11

Nope. I've tried avoiding contact though. DSD is there at the moment I understand. That will be a nice reality check for him. Thank god the little lass will be back at school soon. Normality and routine for her I pray!

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 23/08/2014 22:21

reality check? It will probably send him catatonic.

Itsfab · 24/08/2014 19:37

You are doing great, OP.

What a splendid example you are.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/08/2014 13:59

I hope you had a good weekend Mummy

HerVagesty · 26/08/2014 15:11

Been reading this from the start and wanted to say well done for getting out and not being a doormat for DP and his ex any more!

How was your weekend? And how are things with your Mum? I hope she got home OK :)

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 26/08/2014 16:02

Had a great weekend thank you. Mum is back an she knows now. She thinks I've done the right thing and we are staying with her for the time being. I've got training days this week ( just come back from my first one) so hopefully will have passed induction and will be starting soon!!

Haven't heard much off DP. Took DSD and DD to the beach on Sunday. They were both so well behaved!! If I told DSD she couldn't have something she just accepted it instead of having a tantrum!

I miss her :(

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 26/08/2014 16:07

Are you going to be able to stay in contact with DSD? It sounds like he's still happy to pass responsibility on to you. Which, if you want to stay in contact is not a bad thing.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 26/08/2014 16:41

I think its in both DSD's and DD's best interests if I try and facilitate things so that they know each other. When DPand I first got together a lot of people said we wouldn't last and that I wouldn't hack it.

Would you blame me for thinking that my pride has taken a battering? Or to see people in the street and even hear them muttering 'I'm surprised they lasted as long as they did'.

DPs ex has told me to 'stay the fuck out of my daughters life'. I just asked her if she could remember the last time she had her. She told me that she has depression and the added stresses of looking after her daughter were making her worse so I should just 'butt out of it'

Selfish cow

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 26/08/2014 16:48

Mummy i know you miss the little girl but it sounds to me like its going to be a huge headache for you if you continue to see her.

Dont worry too much about what others think. Those saying "you couldnt hack it" are probably misogynistic types who expect women to be "surrendered wives"

And the "butt out of my daughters life" speech is because the care you have shown her daughter has shown her and your ex up for the inadequate ,lazy useless parents they are!

Itsfab · 26/08/2014 16:50

The reason it hasn't lasted is because he is a dickhead and you have self esteem. NOTHING at all to feel bad about.

You could walk away from your exes daughter too and NO ONE would have the right to criticise.

Do not allow his twattiness to mean YOU carry on looking after his daughter because he can't be arsed. It needs to be about her desire to still see you, and you her, not HIS reluctance to look after his own child.

Itsfab · 26/08/2014 16:52

I missed the exes ex comments. Shock.

Maybe walk away from all of them. Let them all see how much you did. The child will suffer but unless you are willing to adopt her or are guaranteed to stay in her life maybe it would be for the best Sad.

I had depression. It is shit. But she hasn't been a good mum at all has she?

Darkesteyes · 26/08/2014 17:00

Itsfab. Mummy I still think Social Services should be made aware.

And the exes ex has basically threatened you. SS need to deal with it now.

Agree with Itsfab. You are in for a load of grief unless you walk away. I realise it will be hard for you but you have to think of a a life for you and your own DD that is free of the stress they are causing.

And i have a feeling that will be ramped up now theyve lost their 24/7 free childminder!

diddl · 26/08/2014 17:00

if OP walks away, wonder how long before her ex is saying that his daughter is wanting to see her sibling & can OP organise it?

it might be more trouble than it's worth to try to keep the contact going.

Whereisegg · 27/08/2014 21:52

So has your ex stepped up with dsd then?

I'm so pleased about your training going well, and your mum too Thanks

MrsCurrent · 27/08/2014 22:23

It's really not funny whoever says it. My husband is dark skinned, Mediterranean looking, with brown eyes and brown hair as are most of his mum's family so no surprise our eldest is a lovely tanned colour with brown hair and brown eyes (I'm very pale but dark brown hair and green eyes). Our youngest is pale, blonde haired and blue eyed and we get it all the time, I can't think of anyone who hasn't passed comment and it really bothers me, I feel like I'm always justifying my DS! If my DH started doing it more than the odd time when I think 'you d1ck' then I'd be laying into him, it's bad enough everyone else thinking they're clever. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism, 'getting in first' before some other idiot makes the comment however I'd still go nutso.

MrsCurrent · 27/08/2014 22:34

Ignore me, first post and didn't realise there were loads of pages x

grumpychops1 · 27/08/2014 23:35

When my DS was little and shouted "dad!" My ex used to say "I'm not your dad, the milkman is"
On starting primary school one day in the playground whilst waiting for the bell to go DS teacher came to me ad said " mrs grumpychops, I was wondered would your husband like to come and give a talk to the class about the farm?" I looked at her bewildered..... "He's a milkman isn't he?"
The shame!!

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 31/08/2014 10:05

Hi all, had such a busy week! Haven't really spoken to DP, but have been speaking with his DS. She said that his ex has gone tits because he's lowered the maintenance although she's still getting plenty if you tot up the total amount of time she has her
Haven't heard anything off him with regards to wanting to see DD or paying maintenance towards her. I expected no more. Our daughter was missing out before due to the maintenance and ridiculous fuel bills and she's missing out yet again whilst DPs ex and DD are being very well provided for.

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 31/08/2014 10:52

I think its time you calculated how much maintenance your child should receive. In the interests of fairness.

If he can't treat them the same, at least he can pay your child what she deserves. It is literally the very least he can do.

I suspect your child will do a lot better in the future not growing up in an environment where she becomes painfully aware of daddy's favouritism. At least if they're all living apart she may not twig it.

wheresthebeach · 31/08/2014 11:25

Another one wading in to say go to the CSA - he needs to support both children. You may find that distance between the girls will be the best route to go (sadly) so your DD doesn't grow up hearing from her half sister about the time and attention DSD is getting from your ex.

Whereisegg · 31/08/2014 11:42

Is there a reason you are still referring to him as dp?

Darkesteyes · 31/08/2014 21:41

Please go to the CSA OP Its the very least he owes your (and his) DD.

when you do i give it less than 4 weeks till he "questions paternity"

aubreye · 31/08/2014 21:50

DS1 has dark brown hair and electric blue eyes, DD1 has light brown hair and hazel-green eyes, DS2 has honey curls and green-turquoise eyes but DD2 has blonde curls and dark brown eyes.

I have naturally dirty blonde hair and grey-blue-green eyes whilst DH has dark brown hair and bright turquoise eyes. The different combinations of our four kids is great. And it proves two blue-eyed people can have a hazel-eyed child and even a distinctively brown-eyed child.

IceBeing · 01/09/2014 00:42

Long time lurker on this thread....just wanted to say how amazed I am at how wonderfully the OP has taken control! Long may it last!

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 02/09/2014 16:33

If I'm honest, I'm still referring to him a DP because I'm just being completely lazy. STBXP does that make any sense?

He admitted to me that he feels he didn't bond properly with DD as h was worried that people would see him bonding with DD and make comments about 'oh he's moved on quick, where's his other daughter' etc etc which TBF does happen!! He's always been very cautious of what other people think - if someone has a low opinion of him it bothers him a great deal.

It's funny though because innumerable people have noticed the lack of attention he shows DD in comparison to DSD so ironically he is still being talked about.

I always remember shortly after DD was born hearing STBXP's ex saying something along the lines of 'oh you won't want DSD as much now you have the new baby, will you?' Right in front of poor DSD!!! In my mind sly, snide little remarks like that have all played a part in the whole situation. It's very manipulating.

I always said that I would never have children with a man like my own dad because I doubt he ever lived me or my brother. He still to this day only gets in touch if he wants to borrow some money which is never paid back I thought I foun the perfect father. How wrong I was.

I look back on her first year of life and wonder what she is that was so bad for him to be unable to bond with her. Th other night on the phone he old me how 'beautiful and smart and kind natured' DSD is. DD is all of those things too!! I have no end of people stopping me in te street to tell me what a beautiful baby I have and how good she is. She was never a difficult baby, she has always slept and fed well. Not that it would've made any difference if she didn't as he did fuck all anyway.

I remember a few months ago that we had had DSD for four nights tht particular week. I had no money left and although there was food in the house - I had no milk and no nappies or wipes for DD.

I asked then DP for some money for nappies an he said 'you can't have any because I've just written out a cheque for £240 for 1 months maintenance for DSD and that's all I have in my account.'

I had to borrow nappies and wipes from my friend and borrow money for milk from my mum. STBDPs ex had barely had DSD that month.

Pillock

OP posts: