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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
dancestomyowntune · 09/08/2014 21:37

YANBU. I have four children, all to the same father. 1 of them IS completely different, in looks, personality, temperament. I would be gutted if dh insinuated that meant he wasn't his child. Even if it was a "joke".

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/08/2014 21:37

When he says these things (btw, of course its possible for a blue eyed child to be born of green/ brown eyed parents)
Have you been reassuring him? Is that what happened initially?
Clutching at straws maybe, but i wonder if its becoming a tool of his in order to receive some ego boosting.

MaryWestmacott · 09/08/2014 21:38

Sit him down again, and ask why he does it when you've already toldhim it upsets you? Be calm, but keep asking if he thinks this and is just trying to use humour because he's uncomfortable about the way she looks when people make comments?

Then point out that your DC1 is old enough to understand what he's saying, she won't understand it's a joke and might well believe her sister is the product of an affair as she grows up.

That you are upset by it, you think people are beginning to think there's a grain of truth in the joke, and it stops now - you're happy to book a DNA test if he thinks she might not be his, but otherwise, you expect him to stop publicly insulting you and your dd - which is what this 'joke' is doing.

Mouthfulofquiz · 09/08/2014 21:38

Does he not understand about recessive and dominant genes? I've got two blue eyed boys and neither me or DH have blue eyes. Get him to google it and stop being a prick.

MegMogandOwlToo · 09/08/2014 21:40

I imagine it must be tiring to have to listen to his "jokes" all the time.

Do you think it could be down to genuine insecurity though?

Sallystyle · 09/08/2014 21:41

I laugh about one of mine being the milkman's.

It wouldn't bother me at all, but he should stop as it bothers you.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:42

I just feel sorry for DD. Its like she's second best and second in line for any attention from DP and even me as I look after DPs DD most of the time she's here.

I know he doesn't really think that he isn't her dad as she was his double when she was younger, she's only just starting to look a bit more like me now. I just can't imagine how she'd feel if she heard him saying it when she's old enough to understand.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 09/08/2014 21:43

You need to be very firm with him that this just isn't funny anymore because it sounds as if he doesn't know when to stop.

Not all young children resemble their parents. As someone already said, genetics is complex. Sometimes you can even get throwbacks to previous generations of either family which are no longer in living memory.

I have three daughters. The eldest and the youngest both look much more like their dad than like me. They have dark brown hair and brown eyes.

Their other sister, i.e. my middle child, looks nothing like either of them. As a toddler she was very very blonde (think peroxide blonde), and blue-eyed. At fifteen now, she is still blue-eyed but her hair is gradually becoming darker, and may eventually turn mousy brown/fair. Plenty of people would also have said that she didn't look like either of her parents when she was small. Some might say she still doesn't.

However, when I look back at photos of me at the same ages, like baby, toddler, schoolgirl, I can see that she is almost the spitting image of me at many of the same stages of her life. My parents and those of their friends who remember me from early childhood met my middle daughter when she was very young and all commented "she is a little Topsey", or the double of me at the same age.

Your husband is spouting bollocks. Tell him in no uncertain terms, and in public if you have to.

MaryWestmacott · 09/08/2014 21:44

Speak to him, it's unfair on both your DDs and you.

KnackeredMuchly · 09/08/2014 21:47

I'd get a DNA test

microcosmia · 09/08/2014 21:47

If my DH did that I would feel very disrespected and I actually think I would get a DNA test just to shut him up for once and for all. He wouldn't dare though and DS 1 doesn't look like him but is on my side.

How thoughtless of him and disrespectful to you and your DD, no wonder you're upset.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:52

I didn't think that I was being overly sensitive. I honestly felt like crying and I think he knew as soon as he said it and by one lady's reaction of 'I'd slap him later if I were you' that he's humiliated and pissed me off yet he kept saying it.

Why can't he say something nice!? I will suggest a DNA test and maybe that will make him realise how upsetting it is. I have nothing to hide and would never even look at another man! Prick

OP posts:
ClockWatchingLady · 09/08/2014 21:55

Our two DC are both totally unlike my DP in colouring, and don't look much like him in any other way either.
Both of us joke about the milkman, the postman, Brad Pitt (ahem)...

I'd second what others have said about this not sounding like it's about the jokes per se, OP - it sounds like his actions more generally are making you feel insecure for you and your DD. I also agree that it sounds like a big honest conversation is required. Hope you feel able to address this together. All the best.

Wigglykitten · 09/08/2014 21:57

He's probably just saying it out of habit now, maybe as an attention thing. It probably got a laugh off someone the first time he said it, and now he can't stop. If he carries on doing it after you've had a serious chat about how much it upsets you then that's really unfair of him.

I've got very dark brown hair and eyes, and my dh has got black hair and blue eyes. We've somehow ended up with a green-eyed blonde son who's 13 now with no sign of his hair darkening. We have had a few comments about it, but I think that it's just something people say as a joke.

ShadowStar · 09/08/2014 21:59

YANBU.

I think I'd be seriously considering getting a DNA test done just to shut him up about it. As pp have said, your dd is unlikely to take it as a joke once she's old enough to understand.

And lots of kids start out blonde. Both my DS's are blonde. Neither DH or I are, although DH was blonde as a toddler. I'm expecting our DC's blonde hair to go dark too when they're a bit older. And eye colour genetics are actually a lot more complex than we're led to believe in school. It's even possible -although rare - for 2 blue eyed parents to produce a brown eyed baby.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 09/08/2014 21:59

Hi OP, I was always referred to as the milkman's daughter - ho ho ho (not). I have red hair and brown eyes and the rest of my family have brown hair and blue eyes. We DO have the same parents but I got my hair and eye colour from my Nana. It was sometimes isolating to look so different but when strangers openly question your parentage in front of you, it's devastating (at least, it was for me). Having your parents joke back that you're the milkman's daughter (again, in earshot), it's really horrid.

Tell your DH to cut it the fuck out or come out and tell you whether he truly thinks you've had an affair. He's being an insensitive prick.

ClockWatchingLady · 09/08/2014 22:00

Could you muster the odd joke about it yourself, OP, if he does this again? Or just agree wholeheartedly that your DD is indeed the progeny of [David Beckham/Owen Wilson/Brad Pitt/Boris Becker...]?

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 22:01

Thank you. I just compare how he is with his DD 5 to how he is with our DD and it feels as though he has a very strong preference. Even the way he talks about her when she was a baby and how he used to bathe her, change nappies, take her for walks by himself etc. he didn't do any of those things with our DD 1, he didn't seem remotely interested in her! It's like the novelty has worn off.

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 09/08/2014 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 22:04

I felt/feel like a single parent to both of his kids sometimes

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/08/2014 22:05

You know, as a "joke" on its own this wouldn't bother me tbh. My ds looks nothing like my dh and its a running joke between us.
But i think you're saying theres more to it. And you don't find it at all funny.
Next time he says it try looking thoughtful, as if you're trying to work out the timings and just shrugging. Or mention how interesting it is that neither of his children look like him then slip something in his tea

doziedoozie · 09/08/2014 22:12

Well you could respond with 'well at least there's a chance she'll be a bit more intelligent'. (if he's not the father)

Weird that he is doing this? Was there a query about the paternity of his first daughter? I can't see why he would start talking this way.

I would stop being so willing to look after his DD5, perhaps if he actually had to parent her 24/7 she wouldn't appear so perfect to him. If he is using you as free babysitter and not showing gratitude he is not being respectful of how much you do, leave more to him.

Spero · 09/08/2014 22:16

After 44 years I have finally cottoned on to the magic of saying what I mean and meaning what I say. It really is great.

I would say 'Please stop saying that. It upsets me. Its offensive. Its humiliating.'

If he carries on saying it I would say 'you are still saying it. I asked you to stop. It upsets me. by continuing to say it, I conclude that you are deliberately trying to upset me. Am I right in this assumption'?

And then, depending on his answers, I would evaluate the future of this relationship.

Mrsgrumble · 09/08/2014 22:20

I would hate these comments! Why is he insisting on making these all the time? It's horrible

AnyFucker · 09/08/2014 22:22

Don't get a DNA test just to shut this thick fuck up

He would just use something else to make you feel like shit so he can feel better about his own lack of intellect

that is what this is about..he has no real doubts about his child's paternity...he does it to diminish you and it's working

best tip I can give you is to show him the door, and mean it