Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/08/2014 10:01

The maintenance paid to his ex for their DD is a seperate issue (I've said on other threads that if the DD is staying with you why should the DH pay the same amount and had my hands and head to play with)

Is the time she's spending with you part of his time to look after his daughter. Or extra?

And though your money is (I assume) joint money, it seems unfair that you are paying out.
It sounds like alot of other issues going on.
Does his ex do things with your DD ( his daughters half sibling? )

LittleBearPad · 10/08/2014 10:16

Next he says it tell him off. He's being bloody rude.

And stop spending so much time being the primary carer for his older dd. He can step up to this role.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 10/08/2014 11:38

We have had her the majority of th holidays and I have looked after her. Good 80%-90% of the time. His ex texted before we dropped her off last time saying 'will you have a cheque for me?' Cheeky bitch!! She's barely even had her!!! She still costs money to clothe, feed etc over here. I just don't even think she should expect it seeing as thiugh we are nearly into the fourth week of summer holidays an shes had her for 5 bloody days!! It's a joke

OP posts:
Spero · 10/08/2014 11:55

There is a lot of anger and resentment here that just isn't being discussed.

I very much doubt it will just resolve itself. Either you carry on feeling angry and resentful or you will blow up at some point and the fall out will be worse.

If you said you wanted to go to Relate for counselling or something similar, do you think he would come?

AnyFucker · 10/08/2014 12:49

As well as talking to you like you are a piece of shit, he is also using you (in collusion with his ex) as an unpaid childminder. There is also financial abuse here.

He is a duff one, OP. The sooner you accept that and act accordingly, the better

He will be laughing up his sleeve at how gullible and ridiculously accomodating you are, as well as tolerating being the butt of his infantile "jokes"

Am not seeing anything good about this relationship and absolutely nothing in it for you

MintyCoolMojito · 10/08/2014 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatever5 · 10/08/2014 13:54

Your DP sounds a bit thick. It is totally normally in the UK for brown haired/green eyed people to have blonde children. If you had to be blonde yourself to have a blonde child there would be very few blonde children in the UK.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/08/2014 14:05

He's a bully. He's continuing to something you have repeatedly told him not to do. This will continue as long as you allow it to.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/08/2014 14:27

I would suspect he's very pleased to have you all up in arms about the ex and the money - nice diversion from any anger you feel towards him.

He's still using you for childcare and to pay for a good amount of dsd essentials though isn't he? So it's not actually you & him against the big bad ex... It's him and her using you in their own ways.

MaryWestmacott · 10/08/2014 14:35

You've got some serious conversations needed with him, he doesn't treat you very well. I can't see your relationship lasting very long if this continues, you say his ex wouldn't stand for him treating her like this, could it possibly be he tried to and this is a big part of why she's an ex?

If she takes no shit, it could well be she's become this way after putting up with shit from him.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 10/08/2014 14:37

His ex is using him and in turn they are both using me

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/08/2014 14:44

AF is right.

What do you want to do about it?

AnyFucker · 10/08/2014 14:57

Not a great position for you, is it OP ?

And your daughter is going to learn to tolerate behaviour like this as she grows up and starts to follow your example

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/08/2014 17:24

Yes mummy exactly. So not great for you, sitting there at the bottom of the heap.

Now, what do you want to happen?

noddingoff · 10/08/2014 17:26

The "my daughter" "your daughter" thing would annoy me, I think.

florascotia · 10/08/2014 18:26

AF is right. You sound lovely and caring. I would be furious if anyone said the same sort of thing to me. What is he actually trying to manipulate - is he trying to make you anxious so that you will "love" him more/won't leave him?? Horrid! Sorry to be so blunt, but what is there for you in this relationship? (There may be something - but it had better be good!)
Re his original comments re eye colour, get him to read and understand this article (if he can), and then get back to you with a logical, rational argument:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_color

Darkesteyes · 10/08/2014 18:30

AF is right. He is emotionally and financially abusing you OP. My mum is Italian but has hazel eyes. My dads and DBs are green. Mine are almost black hence my username. So our family has a real mix. You cant go by eye colour. Recessive genes go back many generations.

I dont think he really believes this. Hes using it as an excuse to humiliate you. Hes an immature abusive arse.

Isetan · 10/08/2014 19:20

I too think that he wasn't a very hands on with his first, your H has a very big mouth indeed. His often repeated little snidely comments are at you and your daughters expense and only illustrate his twatishness.

The next time he broadcasts his twatishness, I would refer to your DD's conception as the best sex you've ever had and wink.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 10/08/2014 22:20

Haha I'm going to use some of this suggestions the next time he decides to be an arse about it.

Tonight DSD 5 reckons she is burning up. We have this every bedtime - she makes up some mystery illness for attention and in the hope that DP will sleep in her bed with her- which he does much to my discust

Anyway he came downstairs from seeing to her and said he was really worried as she was hot an sweaty. She was stood at the top of the stairs putting on this stupid baby voice saying 'dada I will be all better if you come into my bed.' She looked fine to me, even now I'm laid in bed and can hear her bouncing on her bed and him telling her to get to sleep! He's just come in this minute for sudocreme as she is now complaining that her bits are itching! I just can help thinking that he wouldn't be as vigilant with our DD. he seems to be extra precious with DSD and babies her.

I wouldn't be bothered but its every fucking night and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her yet he falls for it every time. I'm very strict with DD 1 and not letting her sleep with me. It's been very tough in the past as I was breast feeding for 11 months. It's been worth it in the long run though - shes a great sleeper

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 10/08/2014 22:48

OP heres another suggestion.

Point out to him that either hes serious about believing that the DD you have together is another mans child in which case he probably wouldnt mind you having an open relationship as he is still with you even after having this "knowledge" Grin

Or it IS a sick joke in which case he can STOW IT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I wanted to post this earlier but was thinking about how to phrase this correctly so it didnt come out the wrong way.

Cheeky76890 · 11/08/2014 00:16

At 5 she's old enough to have a quick shower and soudocream her own bits.

I would be temped to take he joke further
'I'm sure she's not mine but the milkmans'
'No actually I had a short lived affair with prince William, can you see the similarity?

YouAreMyRain · 11/08/2014 00:33

By sleeping with DSD he is undermining your household status and putting you last.

Does he has any redeeming features?

You have repeatedly asked him to stop humiliating him and he ignore you.

He uses you as an unpaid childminder.

Why the actual fuck are you with him?

If my DP asks me to take DSD out, he always bungs me a twenty pound note for parking/food etc, which is reasonable.

Cheeky76890 · 11/08/2014 04:49

Can you tell SD's mum its her turn to have DSD and you are busy with other things next week.

I wonder if your DH holds some guilt about splitting with DSS's mum and sees DSD as worse off

daisychain01 · 11/08/2014 05:33

YANBU.

Once = funny
Twice = less funny
Thrice = kill him

Spero · 11/08/2014 07:15

You are being quite unkind about a child who is only 5. Its not the little girl who deserves your anger. And why does it 'disgust' you that her dad sleeps in her bed.

Things are really, really not right here. And yet people are still advising you to carry on the great big joke about how you may well doubt he is the father.

I think you need to take serious steps. It sounds a horrible atmosphere for this little girl. I am quite worried that people think its ok to leave a five year old on her own to shower and 'sudocreme her bits'.

Swipe left for the next trending thread