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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 14/08/2014 21:10

They know from such a young age what they can get away with. They certainly aren't stupid! I'm keeping away from it all at the moment.

We both need space and he needs a dose of reality

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/08/2014 21:12

Very sensible. Do you think he is really getting his dose though when the other women in his life are stepping up to bail him out ?

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 14/08/2014 21:18

He's apologising now. I've told him to save his energy

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/08/2014 21:22

He could use all that energy in looking after his daughter, instead of palming her off on the women in his life.

EverythingCounts · 14/08/2014 21:31

'DP is willing to have DSD but can't without me'

hat is won't, not can't. There are plenty of single parents out there (mums and dads) who manage on their own, and there are many non-resident parents (often dads) who move heaven and earth to make sure they can look after their child when it's their turn. Sadly he seems to see you as a convenient solution to his problem. You, your DD and his DSD all deserve a lot better.

Has he said anything specific yet about what he would do differently if you came back? Or is it all just vague good intentions?

Darkesteyes · 14/08/2014 21:50

I suspected someone else would be bailing him out. In this situation there are two biological parents who quite clearly dont want to be parents. IMO Social Services should be made aware of that fact.

Poor little girl. NONE of this is your fault OP I think youve dealt with this brillliantly and have shown a maturity way beyond that of a 21 year old.

(hope that doesnt come across as patronizing btw Its not meant to be)

Hope your little one is ok after her jabs Thanks And he STILL hasnt asked after her even though youve now been gone for 24 hours AND her jabs were today.

When someone tells you who they are please listen.

scottishmummy · 14/08/2014 22:07

So whats to be done,op?what do you want to do...how would you like this to resolve

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 15/08/2014 08:27

He has finally asked about DD but I pointed out to him that she should've been the first though on his mind and priority.

He said that he's 'had a lot on his plate' to which I answered 'welcome to my world!'

They are both more than 10 years older than me yet not blowing my own trumpet I can bring up TWO children on my own better than they can bring up on together!? Surely that isn't right.

He said that he relies on me for childcare because of the nature of his work hitch is true to a point but then again if he can't have her because he's at work then her mother needs to step up. I don't think that is a particularly big ask.

He said he is sorry he has taken me for granted an I said that I was sorry that it had come to this to make him realise that! It's all empty words to me. He's very old fashioned and believe that child rearing is a woman's job.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/08/2014 08:52

Unbelievable, it sounds like he is quite entrenched in his views.

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/08/2014 08:53

Erm...him sorting out childcare for his daughter is how it should be ALL THE TIME.
Don't let him forget it.

Ilovefluffysheep · 15/08/2014 09:40

He's very old fashioned and believes that child rearing is a woman's job - perhaps he should tell that to the child's mother then!

Seriously, you are best off out of this, its clear where his priorities lie and its not with you and your daughter. He sounds like a sexist arse.

Clutterbugsmum · 15/08/2014 10:05

He said that he relies on me for childcare because of the nature of his work hitch is true to a point that's bullshite. There is no point having his daughter if he not there.

Both him and his Ex are using you to parent their child.

Squidstirfry · 15/08/2014 12:26

Just to say I have read throuhg and think you are amazing, so strong and have done so brilliantly!

I agree with PP who said that a poor girl (with rotting teeth and shabby cllothes) is now left with two adults (Your DP and the ExW) neither of whom can be bothered to be a parent, so SS should be informed of this. (unless you are gonig to go back)

If you don't return to the relationship you obviously know to contact the relevant authorities who will be able to help and support you and your DD too... As sorry I don't have much hope tha your DP will step up.

I wish you all the best!

Darkesteyes · 15/08/2014 13:50

"He's very old fashioned and believes that child rearing is a woman's job"

a. so hes a sexist mysogynistic arsehole.
b. Both the parents are in their thirties? JESUS!
c. Mummy, my DH is 64 (im 41) and my DH doesnt believe that sexist rubbish.

And like a PP said why doesnt he include his ex in the sexism. So it wasnt unreasonable for the OP to believe that this twunt would actually act like a father (like i said upthread) given the fact he is over 10 years older than the OP.

hes falling back on sexist attitudes as excuses. Unbelieivable.

Darkesteyes · 15/08/2014 13:54

Above is a photo of an article about dads doing 50/50

Darkesteyes · 15/08/2014 14:11

i agree with fluffy. His latest attitudes and excuses show that he is not going to change no matter how long you stay away.

Cheeky76890 · 15/08/2014 17:07

If you are considering going back to him, leave it long enough for DSDs parents to establish a routine of having her between them.

scottishmummy · 15/08/2014 18:18

No.child rearing isn't only women work.the fact is he's dad to two daughters he has responsibilities
If you're both incompatible in behaviour and outlook,then that's a problem
You need to feel there an amicable,equitable joint future for you two adults and the 2 girls.if there isn't then you two need what's to be done

Darkesteyes · 15/08/2014 20:26

OP if your youngest DD grows up in a house with a sexist entitled father who doesnt pull his weight then she could end up in a relationship with someone like him when she is older. Because it will seem normal to her because its what shes seen at home.

Who is claiming the Child Benefit? And any child tax credits that are applicable.

Itsfab · 15/08/2014 20:34

How long had you been together before you were looking after his older child? I am just wondering how he managed before he met you.

Darkesteyes · 15/08/2014 20:39

I know this doesnt always happen in the case of age gap relationships but i think he may have picked you because he might have thought you would be more malleable Mummy.

ChasedByBees · 15/08/2014 21:29

Both the work of my husband and I is irregular and we're out of the house and we work away overnight. We both consider the childcare of our DD to be our joint responsibility and we arrange our work accordingly. DH is over 40.

All that stuff he said is just excuses to take you for granted. What are you going to do?

inlectorecumbit · 16/08/2014 12:10

He's very old fashioned and believe that child rearing is a woman's job.
Okay well why is he not asking her mother to look after their child and volunteering to look after (oops volunteering you) to look after her.

I would not rush back into this relationship OP without some serious talks and boundries laid down. As much as you love your DSD she should never be prioritised over your DD to the extent that you have to cancel events to "babysit"

scottishmummy · 16/08/2014 14:52

Correct,their shouldn't be priorities,both girls should be equally treated
And you dont babysit a step child,amy more than you don't babysit your own child

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