To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

[Mummytoagorgeouschops]

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP, you have more integrity and maturity in your little toenail than he has in his entire being.

Don't settle for this emotionally stunted arsehole, but better still, shield your daughter from the worst effects of it please

But love, he's lying.

It's mainly all in his head. No, the thing that equals - not beats - your first child being born is your second... and your third... etc. As I'm sure every parent on here will tell you, and hopefully you'll find out yourself. It's sad he can't see it, but the very fact that he is able to come out with that crap about the first being 'special'... simply exposes him as someone who really hasn't been able to appreciate how magical either experience was. If he'd felt that way - like a real dad does - about his first DD, then he'd feel the same way about his second. He just would. You'll realise that, when you have another, and you'll go 'Ahhhh...!' and feel MUCH better about this.

He's no parent. Not to either of his DDs. Not really. So his elder child is the apple of his eye and he can't do enough for her? Um no, not really, he leaves her care to his partner/mother/ whoever. The only time she seems to come to the fore is when he's using her as an excuse to not have to parent the (more challenging) baby. Sneaky one really - play super dad with the easy one to get out of the hard baby slog.

Do you honestly think that he was a completely different person when your DSD was a baby, 'fascinated by every stage'? BOLLOCKS. He'd have been the same lazy, thoughtless git. Because people don't change. He knows he's a bit shit - he can't change it - the only thing he can do is try and counter it a bit by building up this big 'thing' that he has other noble parenting stuff on his mind. But he doesn't, really. He just doesn't. He doesn't really care about your little DSD any more than your DD. She knows it, too.

Poor little girl with a daddy like that. Lucky your DD with a mummy like you. Well done on the job, and really, do not give his self-justifying nonsense a single thought. He does not care about either of his children properly because he only really cares about himself. And that is that.

OP He is an absolute shit. I agree with the PP that if he sees both girls together on access days the favouritism will show.
Tosser!

It proves what we already knew. That you did the right thing in leaving him. He wouldnt even look after her so you could have a bath!

Agree with AF You sound like a very together young woman.

"He's no parent. Not to either of his DDs. Not really. So his elder child is the apple of his eye and he can't do enough for her? Um no, not really, he leaves her care to his partner/mother/ whoever. The only time she seems to come to the fore is when he's using her as an excuse to not have to parent the (more challenging) baby. Sneaky one really - play super dad with the easy one to get out of the hard baby slog."

THIS

Loving your second child as much as your first may not come naturally to everyone, but most parents put the effort in to bond with their second child until they reach a point where they can't even believe that they didn't love them equally right from the start.

What a shitty thing to say. Plus if he treats his favourite child so neglectfully, but thinks it's great, he is both deluded and useless. Both girls would be better off with no father at all than this poor excuse.

What a shitty thing to say. Plus if he treats his favourite child so neglectfully, but thinks it's great, he is both deluded and useless. Both girls would be better off with no father at all than this poor excuse.

Sorry for multiple posts. Not used to this new look MN! Agree with pp who said he is trying to hurt you now you have taken control and stopped being his free childcare. Don't even look back, other than to report his and his ex's neglect of their child to SS.

That's madness, it's not normal to totally adore one child and not give the other the time of day

He actually is starting to sound like a sociopath!

When DSD first moved away we had a row and he told me that 'I might as well pack my bags, quit my job and I move nearer to my daughter.'

I think we were arguing about his behaviour towards DD in comparison to his behaviour towards DSD. That statement, to me, was proof of what I've been saying for the last 12/13 months.

In my head I read that as 'I might as well give up everything I've got here, forsake my partner, daughter, home, quit my job to move closer to the child I think more of.' He wonders why I have a complex. I don't want my child to be second best. I had a shitty relationship with my own dad and I though DP was different but obviously not

Wow - I've just read this thread.
You have come such a long way.
Well done on taking control of your life.
Well done on the job.
I know you'll be so much better off with this knob out of your life.
Go you!!!

Thank you all. I will just have to try to make the best of it. Luckily I have supportive friends and family

Just read this whole thread OP. So sorry you find yourself in this situation. However, you sound like one sorted young woman, you & your DD can have an amazing life without your waste of space DP!

One thing that strikes me is that if your DP thought soooo much of his DD1 HE would be the one buying her clothes, worrying about her home life with her DM, ensuring she got a good diet & dental hygiene etc. The fact that he is passing all of this onto you says he doesn't care as much as he likes to make out and is not a good father. He will not be a great loss to you or your baby!

As for all that crap about his PFB, GRRR what a lot of crap! The vast majority of parents manage to love all their kids equally, he is a complete twat.
I bet he didn't do half the stuff he said he did when DSD was a baby. When he has never even bathed your DD and does nothing to help you, it's doubtful he was such a perfect dad first time around.

While I feel sorry for your DSD, your priority right now is sorting out how to proceed for yourself & your DD. I would not go back to this selfish twat , he will not change & you will find yourself a few years down the line still being used and your poor baby will see she is second best to her half sister.

Good luck, Op! I think you are a strong determined woman who desreves much better than being treated as an unpaid skivvy & childminder

Great news about the job. Well done you.

He's an idiot, but at least he's telling you the truth so you know exactly where you stand. No promises to change, or telling you your imagining it. Your DD is always going to be second best.

So the darling of his life is neglected by her mother and he does nothing?

Awful man.

You are so much better off without him.

I think I might believe him in terms of his professed devotion to either DD if his first little princess was a little bit spoilt and more than well-cared for...but the reality seems to be very different in all respects even if in his own head he thinks he's doing more than enough. Don't let that happen to either you or your DD - who is supposed to be 'second fiddle' anyway according to him.

Congratulations on the job.
All the best to you.

'When DSD first moved away we had a row and he told me that 'I might as well pack my bags, quit my job and I move nearer to my daughter.'

• a brilliant example of what I said upthread.

Basically, this tool does not care about either child, really. However, what he does like and finds very useful in his relationship with you is to use the fact that he has another child as some universal 'trump card'. So you have a row... and his way to go on the attack is 'Aha but I'm a father - a poor, absent, worried father - to another child you know! I have TWO children! More on my plate than YOU! Look, there's this big extra THING in my life that you can't possibly understand!'

And again when you were pregnant, and had your baby, Mr. Childish and Lazy didn't like the thought that he (partly by his own uselessness) was somehow in the background. He could have thrown himself into being a new dad and caring for the baby with you... but that would be hard work. A much easier way to somehow 'trump' you again, at this special point when all the attention was on you, is to use his ace card again. 'Ohhh, but I've done this before. And of COURSE it was sooo much more important/special/nothing ever comes close! What do you mean, fatherhood can't be that special to me because none of you ever see me lift a finger to help? Umm, I'll tell you why I'm less involved here, it's not because I'm a lazy feckless shit, oh no, it's because, umm, hang on - it's because she's not my FIRST! Yes, that's it! Ohh, you couldn't possibly understand, ooh, when my FIRST was a baby, I did everything, I was super dad, it's different now because second children just aren't the same. She's so special to me that I let you do all the looking after her and can't even be arsed to sort out her rotting teeth and, oh, um, hang on...'

Stop listening to a word he says, OP. He doesn't love your daughter because he loves nobody but himself. His first daughter wasn't any more special, that's just a stick he uses to beat you with - while you wash, cuddle, care and feed her and see her shipped off to her gran's the moment you leave. Yeah - she's so very special to him. Ignore him. He is worthless.

Mummy you are awesome and your DD is lucky to have you. Your P is all talk and no action - he reminds me of the ex of a friend of mine who made this big show of how great a dad he was by getting a huge tattoo of his DD''s name on his neck and scrounging money from his mum to buy his new born daughter a 200 feet high teddy bear but couldn't ever be arsed to do anything like change a nappy and spent 7 nights a week in the pub like he'd always done telling his mates that being a dad was the best thing in the world.
I really struggled to bond with DD for various reasons and just felt that I could never imagine loving her like I loved DS1 but I didn't think "Well that's just how it is" I felt guilty and took a 'fake it til you make it' approach and constantly held her and kissed her and told her I loved her even when it was the last thing I felt like doing (horrendous PND and awful birth and last trimester).
Love is a verb - talk is cheap, it's what you actually do that counts. Me and DD couldn't be closer now.

Yeah he doesn't give a shit. He had a way of manipulating things so that it was always me in the wrong.

He'd tell me I was ungrateful. He'd tell me to stop whinging and complaining and just get on with it if I had to look after DSD but had something planned as he was busy 'providing for you'. Why didn't he tell her fucking lazy arsed mother to look after her then!?

I've had one hell of a lot of stick off him for no real reason if I'm honest. Yes I knew he already had a child but I don't think I'd be the one doing all of the running around for her, spending money on her, looking after her all of the time.

I was talking to one of my friends who's DP has a son from a previous relationship and she said that he would never expect her to rearrange her plans to fit in childcare. She said that her partner has respect for her and their son and that on the rare occasion she has looke after him she's never felt pressured into doing so and she was thanked

Are you still at your friends?
Has he seen your dd?

I'm so pleased your eyes are open to him!

I am. My mums back tomorrow though so I might see if she will have us for a but - not that my friend minds at all but I don't want to put on her

How did it go with your mum op?

My mum isn't back yet. Her flights have been delayed/cancelled. Typical!! I've been in contact with her but I haven't let on about the situation as of yet.

I don't think it will come as a great surprise to her if I'm honest. She's always gotten on with him but felt as though I was at the bottom of th hierarchy with regards to general family life with DPs ex at the top.

It's a nice feeling to think that as I now DPs ex has no say in my life. I no longer have to carry her financially either

Sorry to hear about your mums flights It sounds like she will be supportive though.

You are SO doing the right thing. Has your now ex inquired about arrangements about how you would like the Child Support paid yet?