To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

[Mummytoagorgeouschops]

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

scottishmummy i agree. Its parenting. And parenting involves being able to discipline the child too. Not just doing the childs washing.

And inlectore did put inverted commas around the word "babysit" so it wasnt meant literally.

How are things this weekend OP?

I keep thinking about something that scottish said - "there are 4 of you in this relationship".

It would be a lot simpler if there were only 4 in the relationship. It would be a fairly conventional family. But there are actually 5, as the DSD's mum has a massive role in the family.

I know it wouldn't solve everything, but if her DP split his money according to who was looking after the DSD and also accepted that the OP was in loco parentis when the DSD was in her care, things would be a lot easier.

Sorry all been busy working this weekend. Just got in and knackered. Luckily my friend has been mucking in with looking after DD as she has a week off which is very goo of her!' A little bit of help is worth a lot of pity after all!

As far as I am aware, DSD is now at her aunties :(. I don't feel comfortable with the fact she's being passed around so much like a burden. She's not a burden, she's a lost, little girl desperate for love, attention and TIME from her parents. Surely by walking away I am just punishing her? But then by staying i am punishing my own DD and selling myself short.

It just feels like such an impossible situation - if I could walk away and take both of them with me - I would. But it's never going to happen. I just feel so guilty. I've been mulling it over in my head all day at work. What child deserves that much damage? I know she isnt getting verbally or physically abused but in my eyes she is neglected and her mother seems to think dragging her up will do. Rotten teeth, how's with holes in, clothes that don't fasten, fucking CRISPS FOR BREAKFAST!! The latter sounds trivial but its an example of how her needs are just not being met and the unhealthy, bad habits she is learning through her unhealthy, bad example of a mother.

At a loss

Oh, love. The thing I would want to say is "but it's not your responsibility to rescue her, it's down to her parents" - but I know that's not likely to be any help whatsoever when you have her face in your mind.

So...Sympathy. Hopefully someone will be along soon with more useful advice!

This is such a sad situation. Your partner making comments about your daughter in front of you is bad enough, but him making DSD feel like secondclass child, is worse. There are five people in this relationship indeed, and the children's needs are most important. Your needs are important too, of course. I don't think it's fair how your partner treats both your/his daughter and DSD.

As bad as I feel for your dsd, I urge you not to go back to this man.

I know DSDs auntie quite well and I have spoken to her and DSD tonight on the phone.

I am careful about what I say to DSDs auntie as she is

I know DSDs auntie quite well and I have spoken to her and DSD tonight on the phone.

I am careful about what I say to DSDs auntie as she is DSDs mums sister. DSD said that she missed me and her little sister and crying that she wanted daddy. I told her that I would pick her up one day and we can go swimming or to the beach. That's a promise I'm going to keep.

Her auntie said she's not been herself which is hardly surprising really. She mentioned the fact that her sister seems to be too preoccupied with her new man to actually give a shit about her DD. I didn't say anything but I think she knows how I feel. I asked if she had for a job yet and DSDs auntie said that she wasnt even looking as her new BF earns plenty of m

I know DSDs auntie quite well and I have spoken to her and DSD tonight on the phone.

I am careful about what I say to DSDs auntie as she is DSDs mums sister. DSD said that she missed me and her little sister and crying that she wanted daddy. I told her that I would pick her up one day and we can go swimming or to the beach. That's a promise I'm going to keep.

Her auntie said she's not been herself which is hardly surprising really. She mentioned the fact that her sister seems to be too preoccupied with her new man to actually give a shit about her DD. I didn't say anything but I think she knows how I feel. I asked if she had for a job yet and DSDs auntie said that she wasnt even looking as her new BF earns plenty of money

But even if she had a job, that would just be another reason why she couldn't have her dd surely?
Her father has a job, and he doesn't look after her.

Is her aunt just having her while your p/ex works, or is she sleeping there too?
Who is paying for her food etc at her aunts?

I agree with Whereisegg. Please do not go back to this man. He is also a bad example of a parent and he WILL continue to use you.

I understand how you feel.

egg has a good point about the money. As far as im concerned if DSDs mother is claiming CB she should be giving at least some of it to her sister if she is there for any length of time.

Poor little kid. None of it is your fault OP. Neither biological parent is going to step up to their responsibilities. Its just not going to happen is it. If it were me i would be informing Social Services.

Whatever you decide, your DD and DSD will always be sisters and you will probably have a role in facilitating their relationship. Even if you don't go back to your partner, you will still have some sort of place.

But it may be that DSD's mother's family end up making a more permanent and secure family life for her that she has being passed between her parents at the moment.

Hope you're ok op

Seconded

Hope you are ok too, OP. Do you think you could bring yourself to get soem advice from Social Services ? It seems this little girl needs someone official and impartial to examine exactly how she is livign right now.

Oh no, I get totally why you feel so guilty. I would too. You obviously care for her and she has a strong bond with you and her little sister.

You need to create a new life for yourself but hopefully you can include her in that. For both sisters sake. At the end of the day you can only do so much, but a good relationship with you and dd might be her rock.

If she continues to be neglected, keep social services informed.

Bless her - and you for being in an impossible situation.

Has dp shown any sign of wanting you back for yourself, rather than a childminder?

He says he misses me and wants me back. I've got a job interview this afternoon. Very nervous!!

I had a word with DDs health visitor who questioned why DSD was taking a packed lunch to school as she should get free school dinners.

DSD is back with DP now. She hasn't seen her mother for over a week now. I couldn't go over a week without seeing my child.

Good luck at your interview Mummy.

He says he misses you and wants you back. But words are cheap.

Has he said that hes missing his younger DD?.

The fact that he says he missing you is very likely to do with the fact that DSD is back with him and hes actually having to parent his own child. Youve already said he is very sexist and sees childcare as womens work.

As he is missing you so much, what changes has he put in place to ensure you are no longer the unpaid help?

Ask him for the same level of maintenance as he pays your DSD, and I bet he'll change his tune...

YY Chipped!

I'm not going to ask him for any maintenance. I got the job :) I'm going to put him and his slob of an ex to shame. I d

I'm not going to ask him for any maintenance. I got the job :) I'm going to put him and his slob of an ex to shame. I don need to rely on any man I support myself or my daughter and I certainly aren't going to be supporting his ex anymore!!

Well done on the job.

What bigs balls you have grown