Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 18/08/2014 19:26

mummy I could just fucking hug you right now! I am bizarrely proud of you considering I have never met you! Grin Thanks

scottishmummy · 18/08/2014 19:29

Congratulations on getting job.thats massive
If you and him have nowt in common,then yes it's time to part
Gather your pals and family to support you,and best wishes

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 18/08/2014 19:40

scottish another person that says 'nowt' I'm not alone!!!

Aww thank you all. Things are looking up. Didn't expect to get the job but he said he was very impressed and would love to offer me it!

Will be able to save, save, save for a bit then put some money aside for DD

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 18/08/2014 19:43

You're legend you are

Chippednailvarnish · 18/08/2014 19:49

Well done!

Go for the maintenance your DD is entitled to, even if it goes in a savings account for her. It's her right.

Ilovefluffysheep · 18/08/2014 19:49

Well done on the job!

You might want to reconsider the maintenance thing in the future - kids can be expensive! Even if you don't want/need it, consider saving it for your daughter so that she can use it in the future towards car/house/uni/whatever.

AnyFucker · 18/08/2014 19:55

Congratulations on the job!

I would leave the door open to the maintenance though...your dd deserves her father to provide some support (let's face, he is goign to fall rather short in the "role model" stakes, isn't he?)

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 18/08/2014 20:10

Good point! Yes I'll leave that door ajar then. Funnily enough he has asked to see DD tonight but then I don't know if that's all for show

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 18/08/2014 20:30

Yaaaaaaay well done, that's great news! Agree, never say "no maintenance" unless and until your DD is old enough to make an informed decision about whether she wants him to continue helping to support her. It's her money after all.

Darkesteyes · 18/08/2014 20:58

OP Well bloody done on the job Thanks

Another virtual hug from me. You are an AMAZING role model for your daughter.

Agree with what others are saying about the maintenance.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 20/08/2014 09:27

Spoke with DP last night about the whole favouritism with regards to DD and DSD.

He said that nothing beats your first child being born and that he's sorry that DD wasnt his first child but it something that I have to 'get over.'

He also said that at the time of DSD being born e was in a loveless relationship. He said that this little baby was a welcome distraction and he put 'everything and all of the love I had' into looking after her and bonding with her.
That does piss me off because he never made ANY fucking effort to bond with DD. I can probably still count on one hand the nappies he's changed. He's NEVER bathed her to this day.

He then said when Our DD was born that he was preoccupied with trying to make sure DSD didn't feel left out, which is fair enough. He also said that the novelty had worn off and he had been there and done it all with DSD.

Well I'm so fucking pleased that when DSD was born everything was 'lovely and rosy' and it was 'such a happy time' because when my DD was born I couldn't have been more unhappy if I'd tried.

I was struggling to BF and the day I came out of hospital I had to look after DSD who was 3 at the time.

He never helped me bath, feed, clothe her. He wouldn't even look after her to let me have a bath TMI seeing a though I was bleeding everywhere and all I wanted to do wa get cleaned up. So yes, you didn't 'bond with her properly' because you never even tried. You fucking shit!!!!

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 20/08/2014 09:29

Oh lovely. I'm so sorry.

However you have your 'gorgeous chops'. Sod her father. You both deserve so much more.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 20/08/2014 09:30

What I'm trying to say is he ruined them first few weeks/months completely for me and I will never get them back. All the while gushing about how happy he was and how he love every step of the way when DSD was born.

Can anyone else see why I'm so upset about this?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 20/08/2014 09:40

He's a complete git. There is absolutely no doubt about it. And it must have been very hurtful to hear all that.

Pity he can't be arsed to actually look after his PFB.

I really am so sorry.

Whereisegg · 20/08/2014 09:41

I can totally understand why you're so upset, he has essentially told you your dd will never measure up to dsd, and more than that, he thibks this is totally right and has no intention of changing.
What a fucking shit!

I suppose that at least you know now, and can move forward.
What's the plan?

MrsMinton · 20/08/2014 09:43

I can see why and I'm so sorry he says those selfish things. I've been reading this and you are amazing. These comments show you just how he feels and as little chops' mummy that must really hurt and I'd be just as angry in your situation. It is also another demonstration though of the fact you've made the right decision leaving him.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 20/08/2014 09:48

His excuses about why he loves DSD more are a load of rubbish. My DH dotes just as much on DC2 and 3 as DC1. You have every right to be angry with him. You've made the right decision.

Bouttimeforwine · 20/08/2014 10:15

Even if he does love one more than the other, then he should be emotionally intelligent enough to see that you shouldn't fucking show it, and that by doing so, you will screw them up.

Get dd out of that situation. It's emotionally harmful. Keep a relationship going with dsd for her sake, and dd's sake. That is important, but never let dp see them both at the same time, otherwise the favouritism will be obvious.
Not sure how that will work in practice but yes he can see dd but not at the same time as dsd. Let dd and dsd have a relationship with just you present if at all possible.

swampytiggaa · 20/08/2014 10:35

Bugger me he is a tool!

We have five children. H adores each and every one of them. The first one is actually his DSD but in his eyes there is no difference. This is one of the reasons I love him.

Your ex talks the talk with his pfb but does nothing at all to show how much he cares. He and her mom sound as bad as each other with the poor child stuck in the middle.

Good luck in building your new life x you doing fab x

pluCaChange · 20/08/2014 10:52

It doesn't sound as though he bonded with either your DD or you, if he was so unmoved by your and her (DD's) vulnerability after the birth! Sad

ShadowStar · 20/08/2014 13:33

That's a terrible thing to say. Most people manage to love younger children just as much as the first born child.

And even if someone can't manage to love all their children equally, they should be trying their best to not show this. It's got to be damaging to a child if their father's making it very obvious that he loves their big sister more and they're second best.

From what you've said, he seems to have no interest or intention in even trying to improve his relationship with your DD. You've every right to be angry about this.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2014 13:49

Lovey, you don't have to give us any more evidence that this bloke is a piece of shit. We have ben saying it from the beginnign of your thread.

I hope you never go back to him.

diddl · 20/08/2014 14:30

That is so, so sad.

And if he was so unhappy with his ex he should have fucking left or used a condom.

Hope that the job goes well & that you manage to see your daughter's sister-sounds as if she'll need you.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 20/08/2014 14:35

I think he's trying g to hurt you pet as you have taken control. Well done on that btw.

Onwards and upwards he can only hurt you if you let him. Don't he's a twat. We manage to love all of our 4 just as much.

Itsfab · 20/08/2014 15:47

I just want to give you a hug, tuck you both in at my house and feed you cake.

Please do not go back to this man.

I thought about his "nothing compares to your first" comment and he is right ns so much as you can only have your first child once but, I have three children and 1 is my favourite as they were my first, 2 is my favourite as she is my only daughter and 3 is my favourite as he is my youngest and other private reasons. I can not choose. I love them all. They are different personalities and need me in different ways but they are all just as important. The point being nothing compares to the love you have for your children be it 2 kids or 22.

He is being a twat and a hurtful one at that as he has dismissed you and his second baby and is thoughtless enough not to think about how his comments will hurt you both.