To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

What Fanjo said above, basically.

It's all very well whinnying on about "rights". I find it interestingness that apparently our "rights" are so damned self serving.

I'm not saying that the op owes him anything but...speaking to him for 5 minutes...would it kill her? I find it odd an adult finds it so difficult to end a conversation.

"Sorry X, nice chatting to you but need to do y now/nice chatting x but was at a really interesting bit of my book I want to get back to". End of conversation.

Chin up though op, the weather will soon turn and you probably won't have to speak to him for months.

OP says clearly that she has no evidence which would make her think he's posing a threat but she also says she "just doesn't feel right" about it.

On another thread recently, a poster was HEAVILY praised for listening to "her instincts" regarding not getting into a lift with a man who DID turn out to be a nasty individual (swore badly at her and shouted)

If the lift poster hadn't had the swearing experience but had asked "Aibu not to get into a lift with a man because I felt odd about him"

She would have been roundly told off like the OP in this thread as she has no evidence and he could have SN.

I think people on MN need to decide where they stand with instincts.

*i'm all for autocorrect but is "interestingness" even a word

In the lift thread, the man had tried to chat to the OP in a rather awkward fashion. It was this chatting which made her not want to get in the lift with him.

I am not saying ALL men who chat are odd or dangerous but I AM saying FFS make your minds up about instincts and when it's ok to listen to them.

I agree it would be very annoying to have to entertain someone every time you want to go out into your garden and I would probably do a heck of a lot of avoiding too.

I would imagine you have nothing to worry about with regards to your daughter. I'm sure they will both benefit from the interaction. He probably isn't brave enough to go and socialise in other ways so this may well be saving him. Maybe try and go out once a week and chat to him? Imagine how lonely he must be feeling.

I haven't read past the first page so it may be that extra info has been added now and it turns out he spent 20 years in prison or something!

Mrs she's lived next door to him for 12 years and has only this summer felt his behaviour was off? That's hardly first class instincts, is it.

He's chatting to the dd whilst she is in her own garden, not hoisting her over the fence into his own.

The op's instinct is that 'there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation'

Ali so what? Instincts are there for a reason and people's behaviour can change...

Well, of course, god forbid she actually be kind and considerate to another member of her community. Wouldn't want that.

Nobody said she had to be his carer. They were suggesting that she simply be polite.

Oh, and yes, she DOES seem to consider her neighbour to have an untoward interest in her daughter. Did you even READ the OP??

She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?

So, to clarify, the OP admits there's no evidence he's doing anything wrong, however, she feels it's inappropriate that he talks to her dd (about perfectly innocent subjects according to the OP) and goes on to say "I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert"... right up there with "I don't want to offend you, but...."

I'm an adult with AS too. The OP makes me very sad as it gives me a glimpse of what people say and think about me behind my back.

Bottle no it isn't. Her instinct is that there's something to worry about. Who knows why. She has NO EVIDENCE but who does where instincts are concerned?

The woman in the lift situation had no evidence either.

There's nothing in the op to suggest his behaviour has

The op doesn't like him and wants us all to pat her on the back and say feel free to ignore him. We have done so.

But inferring he's a paedophile to bolster her position, well it's a bit weak, isn't it.

I have a friend with AS and I feel saddened by your post.
I appreciate that you want privacy but you're not going the right way about it.

My friend with AS doesn't get 'hints' or 'excuses'. She has to be told clearly and rationally why some behaviours are not acceptable. In a non-confrontational way.

This week, I have had to say to her "Please don't telephone me after 9pm because I will have just put my daughter to bed and am spending time relaxing." The reason I have said this is because she was having some trouble with some studying recently and I said "Oh, call me anytime to talk it through" so she did. At 10.30pm!

I think that you should revert to using your garden as and when you need to. If he is constantly chatting then you need to be firm, clear and polite "X, I can only chat for 10 minutes as I need to get the washing out/gardening done/etc."

Unless you have genuine concerns that he would assault or hurt your daughter in any way then I think you should leave her to chat. Children and AS people, in my experience, operate 'without filters' and they communicate well with each other.

*has changed.

The instinct that someone may do you harm is totally different to the awkwardness that many people feel when confronted with learning or social disabilities.

It sounds to me like the OP is experiencing the latter.

There's a HUGE difference between instinctively avoiding a stranger offering you a lift and a neighbour you've known for 12 years chatting to you. If you can't see the difference, I'd suggest you stay inside and don't venture outside your house.

She didn't infer he was a peadophile....she said "I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert...." and then "But something doesn't sit right."

That is her instinct speaking to her.

That "something" is important. It's what protects people. It's not airy fairy as a concept. It's advised by The Suzy Lamplugh Trust that women listen to their instincts.

Barbarian there is a difference between strangers in the dark etc but some people we know DO make our instincts rustle and it's not always about them having SN either.

I think it's very patronising to assume the OP just doesn't like people with SN.

What doesn't sit right, though? I don't think one can just go through life ignoring evidence and decency because we feel a bit funny about someone/something.

oh FFS. Seriously?

She didn't infer he was a peadophile....she said "I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert...." and then "But something doesn't sit right."

If we're going to have an intelligent conversation, you need to at least bring the equipment necessary to play.

Ugh, bad grammar there. But I'm quite annoyed by the whole 'gut feeling, hunch' thing being so trumped up.

@ Alice. I'll be using that line.

Winni - that sentence is inferring that she thinks the man has untoward intentions. Or inferring that her "instincts are talking to her" and that he has untoward intentions, if you prefer to use woo speak.

He has been harmless for a decade. It's just convenient to start implying that he is somehow suspect.
If the op doesn't want to associate with the slightly odd, clearly lonely neighbour then she doesn't have to.
But let's at least be honest that it is just because it's annoying rather than some mysterious instinct triggered by something or other.

Perhaps it's why I dislike the 'trust your instinct' cliche. It is too often shorthand for 'embrace your prejudices'

Pagwatch, said it better than I could've.

OP, there is nothing whatsoever 'inappropriate' about a neighbour talking over the fence to a child he's known her whole life.

That mealy-mouthed, overused word 'inappropriate' really pisses me off on this site. Most of the time, it's a catch-all word for 'gives me cats-bum mouth but I'm too lazy/evasive to articulate why'.

This is a classic example of why people with AS have such a hard time. ie the two facedness of other people. The OP engages with and acts all friendly and neighbourly to his face. Then bitches about him and goes out of her way to aviod him behind his back. The poor bloke thinks you like him. Boy is he in for a big shock.

I've had the 'fuck off I actually hate you, you weirdo' let down from people I thought were my friends. Last time it resulted in a complete breakdown because I really thought this person liked me. Tell the poor bugger to fuck off and leave you along and get it over and done with. If he has AS you won't be the first or the last.