To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

[forago]

why are you suggesting he's a pervert because he chats to your daughter! poor man! I think it sounds like a match made in heaven - lonely man that tends to waffle on and a chatty 5 year old who, if anything like mine, never stops talking. id leave them to it and get one with the gardening or washing you say he stops you doing.

my three children play out in the garden and bend the ears of any neighbours whose attention they can get. they love it and the people seem happy to have a chat with nice friendly kids once in awhile. None of them strike me as perverts.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just treat him how you would want to be treated. You don't have to be his best friend, but a little kindness dies not go far

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Where is OP?

[HappyAgainOneDay]

It's so sad.

I am in a similar situation but better than the OP's neighbour. I now live alone because my DH died 4 years ago and I would love to speak to people at any time of the day apart from the postman (although he's nice). I am aware that neighbours go to work so would never attempt to intrude there. They have been supportive in that - last night - one came round to put this computer right. I could call on another to mow my lawn (I had a broken arm) but he offered anyway. After I'd broken my arm and could not peel a potato, another neighbour asked me round for a meal now and then.

That's what neighbours are there for, surely. Your neighbour was a carer for 20 years and would love to talk to someone occasionally. For heaven's sake, invite him round for tea and cakes or an evening meal ("please come at 7.00pm for main course and pudding and bob"). Once someone hits 60 does not make them unapproachable. Been there - done that. Get a grip OP and offer something.

[JoinedJustForThis]

Our elderly neighbour is quite "clingy" and rushes out to chat whenever he sees us. When the kids were younger they found it quite strange & weren't comfortable. I was never overly comfortable about it, but it wasn't like he was doing it in private, away from us.

I don't think there's anything sinister there, but it's still disconcerting to be sat in the garden & to see him staring out of his bedroom window at us. A couple of times it was when the kids were in the paddling pool & they felt uncomfortable too.

I do understand where you're coming from OP, don't worry about the height of your fence (the things some people focus on ) but maybe grow something up it that'll grow higher than the fence. Something spikey.

I wouldn't want anyone looking over the fence at me so it's not an age/SN thing....

[JoinedJustForThis]

He has been harmless for a decade. It's just convenient to start implying that he is somehow suspect.

Maybe the daughter has reached that age & is attracting his interest.

The fact that he's been her neighbour for 12 year has no relevance, how long has she had a daughter of "chattable" age?

Not saying that is the case, just that your statement was poor....

[Callaird]

What is the world coming to when we cannot be pleasant and civil, friendly even, to people we don't have time for? Whether or not they have some sort of disability. In my opinion, there is always 15 minutes in the day when you can be nice to strangers. (My mum always told me, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet!)

It's a sad world world we live in when we can't be kind to lonely people and make time for them.

Some of the previous posters have made me tear up, listening to their tales of cruel people. We are all human. There is something wrong with all of us, whether it is weight or scarring or a cruel streak or talking to much or not listening properly (me!) or easily distracted (me again!) none of us are perfect, be nice, you never know when you will need someone, even a neighbour or stranger.

I despair of some people on this thread. Life is too short to be mean to people.

[macdoodle]

god you sound hideous OP, poor lonely old man. Our neighbour is the same except she's a woman so in your eyes would she be ok. I MAKE time to chat to her, my kids adore her, she has been chatting to them since they were born, gives them the odd quid or chocolate. They love her, they learnt to be kind, not to see all old people as pervs. You sound the weird one.

[ChoccaDoobie]

I really think some of these responses are a bit unfair. I am hugely into being neighbourly. I know nearly all my neighbours, love organising get togethers where everyone is invited. We have two lovely neighbours who are quite vulnerable and isolated due to mental health problems and DW and I really enjoy helping them out or having a cuppa with them , they are nice friends in any case. However, I would find it difficult if I had no privacy in my own garden. I think a balance needs to be found because the image of this poor man actually building steps to interact is heartbreaking but you shouldn't feel you have to chat for hours if you don 'to want to.

How about a kind but honest approach like someone else suggested, "it's been great to talk but I really need to get my jobs done now"? Would that work? Don't cut him out, that would be horrible but equally I don't think you are terrible for wanting privacy.

[thornyhousewife]

I could actually weep thinking about this man. Where do you live? If it's near me he can come round to mine for tea.

[JoinedJustForThis]

Reasoned reply there macdoodle - a mother feels uncomfortable about someone talking to her child.

Unwanted attention, is just that - unwanted.

It's her job to be protective FFS, better safe than sorry springs to mind.

[wafflyversatile]

Being protective isn't a parent's only job. Especially from someone who in 12 years has been of no concern. It's not a parent's job to be overprotective and it's horrible to see every lonely man as a pervert.

I can understand not liking a neighbour coming out to chat every time. I wouldn't like it. He's clearly lonely and not getting enough interaction so seeks it every chance he gets which is putting a burden on her as a neighbour who he can see when she comes out.

But as others have said be nice to him, but say when you don't want a long chat. Maybe point him in the direction of other social activities where he can get some company.

And don't stop him talking to a child who is perfectly happy to have the conversations the OP is not keen on.

[lbsjob87]

Blimey - that touched a nerve didn't it?
I think some of these comments are a bit harsh -it's not like I've shopped him to Operation bloody Yewtree.
Firstly -yes, our fence is technically too high - the one we had was the legal limit and someone climbed over it and broke into our shed. They tried the back door as well, but didn't get in. I was in at the time alone, and it scared me. It was fitted by a fencing company and it is inches over not 15ft.
So I have issues with my space being invaded - I don't mind admitting it.
Secondly, I haven't said he is a pervert - I said he has trouble acknowledging people's boundaries.
We do all we can to help him, (and no doubt this will get me a barrage of abuse) but at the end of the day, we're not his family and it's not our fault he's lonely. We are quite often the only people he speaks to - that's quite a responsibility when you have already spent an hour talking to him that day and four/five hours later the conversation starts again. There is a limit to how many people you can take under your wing and he has plenty of family locally - they just don't bother with him.
We HAVE tried to encourage him to make friends etc - I said that. We even offered him a lift to one club that he said he'd seen advertised and was near OHs work, but he said there was no point going because he won't like it.
Thirdly -it hasn't been a problem for the last 12 years because I haven't had a 5 year old who wants to play unsupervised for the last 12 years, have I - that's the bit that's making me uneasy.
I don't like feeling watched - I don't see why it's quite so surprising that I don't like my children to be watched either.
I wonder how many on here would actually be as charitable if this was them?
I'm not some evil bitch (or "vile" I think someone said) - I'm clearly not Mother Theresa either. Who is?

[lbsjob87]

We're in Kent thorny - no doubt he'd like that.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

It's not fair to talk to him for 12 years then stop because you have a child and he talks to her.

[lbsjob87]

Your neighbour sounds lovely macdoodle - does she stand and watch you put your washing out, or appear LITERALLY every time you go outside? And speak to your children without you being there?
If so, then fine. I can't help thinking it's an entirely different scenario though.

[lbsjob87]

fanjo that's not what I said is it? We do talk to him. My problem is that he strikes up conversations with my 5 year old without me there and climbs up a 7ft fence to do so.
Maybe he's telling her about his mashed potato. Maybe he's not.

[wafflyversatile]

Our problem is we don't see what is wrong with talking to your daughter in your garden over a fence and that you are implying he's a pervert.

[macdoodle]

I have no issue with the not wanting to talk to him, though sad.
Its this I objected to "She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do. I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert".
What has he done to warrant being thought of as a "pervert".

[lbsjob87]

Fair enough.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Yes. You asked if you were being unreasonable.

99% of people said yes

[lbsjob87]

And can I also point out the only reason we know he has AS is because his own niece told us and said his family who he never sees, despite being local "think he's weird?"
Not sure I'm the biggest villain in this piece, you know.

And, incidentally, if we didn't know that - or if he hasn't (we are only acting on what she said and that was "they (whoever "they" are) think he has some form of Aspergers" ") -would his actions still be reasonable?

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Yes

[ChoccaDoobie]

I don't think you are being a villain at all op. It is not comfortable for someone to pop their head over the fence every single time you go into your garden no matter how sociable or neighbourly you might be . I very much doubt many people would be at ease with that. And I also understand that you cannot look after everyone and I say that as someone who really does try to look out for my neighbours but I also look after my mil with dementia and my own family.

Would people really be comfortable with someone watching and talking to their 5 year old every time they played in the garden? I wouldn't.

[lbsjob87]

I'm going to leave this thread now - I asked for views and got them. I resent being called unkind and hideous - an unkind, hideous person would tell him to "Fuck off", not have repeated conversations year after year because she was aware of someone being lonely.

It probably is entirely innocent. I hope it is. But I'd be a much worse parent if I didn't worry about her.