To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree, yes he is a lonely man who just wants to talk and we can understand that, but it's overstepping the mark to build a platform/stairs to climb on so that you can see into a neighbours house to talk to them. It's ok for op to not want to talk or not feel like talking, that's her perogative. She has a right to privacy in her own garden, I think after a while those who are giving op a hard time would tire of it and find it very irritating. I'm hanging the washing out in my nighty, sometimes I don't feel like talking, I would not appreciate someone constantly popping their head over the fence.

Op has been very good with him, given her time and tied to help him, that's more than sadly some would do, but his happiness us not her responsibility. His family is abysmal with how they view him as an Autistic adult, and how they have treated him, your anger should be directed to them. They should be looking after their own, or make steps to find help for him. No he is not stalking, I did not say that, but wants to chat and is lonely, does not have the social skills thus overstepping the mark.

There have been some good suggestions from nodding, about being firm and telling him that you don't like it when he talks to you over the fence could he not do that please.

[MinnyMouse]

This thread saddens me on many levels. I feel for the OP and congratulations on your new baby by the way.

As a new mum OP's emotions will be all over the place and a little heightened and she could just be at the end of her rope. She does seem to have tolerated a lot over the years but more recently become a little bit more worried in regards to her perceived view of her neighbours interactions with her 5 year old. Of course with hind sight she could have been straight with said neighbour sooner but she didn't and has come to M'sN for guidance.

Some posters have written awful things and made assumptions/conclusions about what OP really meant. Perhaps she could have written the post better - but some of you have just pulled her up on every little thing.

Then you have started on each other - just one big bun fight. It's really hard posting a set of circumstances and I think the OP was trying to be succinct and give the post some context.

I hope OP is ok this morning - sending as you seem to have been a good neighbour all these years.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes I forgot op has a new baby as well, cut her some slack. The last thing at the moment she needs is someone poking his head over the fence when she is busy and dies not feel like talking as she's been up all night with a new baby.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op let your dd talk to him, you have said yourself he can't get to her, you have said there is no evidence of anything untoward just lonely wanting to talk,he is not a stranger but your neighbour.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Him and his family are known to you so you do know him. I understand op not wanting to talk to him, I would find it irritating after a while, but nothing wrong with your dd doing it. Just pop out occasionally to check alls well

[Latara]

I wrote a long balanced post about this on about page 3 or 4 - I can't believe this thread is still going on.

I've thought about how I would be in this situation.

If I am really truly honest I would personally hate a man (NT or with SN) building steps to look over my fence. That total lack of privacy would be a real problem for me as i suffer from paranoia so I can understand the OP being upset.
But I would have spoken to him when the steps were first built, so hopefully he would remove them.

I would speak to a man like this because I do speak to my neighbours, but not be too friendly because I'm quite shy and don't like to get too close to my neighbours (I've had trouble with certain past neighbours).

I doubt that he is 'dodgy' just because he likes to speak to a 5 year old - the OP can monitor their conversations if she wishes to anyway.

[slithytove]

I have 3 sets of neighbours I interact with. The ones either side of me are lovely. We chat when in the front garden, smile, say hello, exchange Christmas cards.

I can see into both of their gardens, and make sure I don't. Because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable.

The neighbours opposite are utterly annoying. Any excuse to come over and they will - to the extent of asking why we had a Christmas tree delivered to our house. I do not want to interact with them because they cross boundaries.

It is nothing to do with SN. Nothing to do with paedophilia. My home is my haven and I want to enjoy it in peace. I am very very lucky my neighbours either side seem to agree.

The steps would have really bothered me. Knowing I couldn't go out into my garden without being verbally accosted would really bother me. I hang out my washing in jammies and braless. I sunbathe topless. I sleep in my paddling pool in my whale like pregnant glory. I take off dirty gardening clothes while still outside. And I would be upset to have these activities curtailed because someone couldn't maintain boundaries. It is MY garden.

And the daughter won't be 5 forever. What about when she doesn't want to chat every time she is outside?

Why is it only the feelings of the lonely which matter!

[TheLastThneed]

OP - we used to have neighbours who would chat to us for ages every time we went out to the garden. It reached a point where we just didn't want to go out because we felt obliged to chat. When you're in your own space, sometime you just want to do do your own thing. You don't want to be duty bound to stop a stranger from being uncomfortable.

You have been very accomodating and chatty with him, but when you know you'll have difficulty ending a conversation, sometimes it's easier not to start one. I know I'm socially inept...my conversational skills are appalling, butI find it hard to end a conversation without appearing rude.