To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

[MrsWinnibago]

But what if she has reason to not want to interact with him? Who is anyone here to advise her that she's a twat?

[bottlecat]

OP has stated herself in her opening post that there is absolutely NO reason not to engage with him apart from her own insecurities.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

We're people whose opinions she requested Winni.

I would assume that if there was a genuine reason for her to infer that her neighbour was a paedophile, then she might have thought it prudent to include it in her first post.

[Pagwatch]

Why, thank you Koala

I'm sorry you have dealt with that pleaseshootme. People can be asses.

[Beeyump]

Amen, Alis. I hardly think the op would hold back from telling us if there was a 'reason to not want to interact with him'.

[AbbieHoffmansAfro]

What's he done except start harmless conversations with your daughter, just as he does with you and your partner? There's no evidence from anything you've said that he is or isn't a paedophile.

Erm, look, you don't want to be bothered with him. I think you feel guilty about that. And I wonder if you are rationalising your behaviour to yourself and to us by looking for fault with him, and seizing on the possibility that he is a paedophile. After all, if he is, then your behaviour stops being unkind and petty and starts being sensible, heroic even.

I'm not telling you to befriend him. But don't turn him into a monster to assuage or deflect your guilt. Just admit he is annoying and boring to you and you don't want contact with him.

[WillisGoPhyllis]

PleaseJustShootMeNow I agree with every word you said. As someone with AS I've lost count of the number of times that people I believed were my friends were actually bitching or laughing about me behind my back.

[fun1nthesun]

If,as you said he talks to you for hours, you have no evidence he has said anything inappropriate to your daughter, and he can't "get" to her, I think it would be wise not to accuse him of being a pervert. I heard a story where a vicious ex decided to call her ex a paedo out of spite and was put in prison for 3 months, so it is now against the law, just so you know.

Imagine how you would feel if you were accused just because you were lonely and talked to someone.

Just keep an eye on your daughter.

[PleaseJustShootMeNow]

And then they go totally non contact on you, don't they Willis, and you don't have the slightest idea why. Like yesterday you were my friend and today I'm like the person who murdered your kitten.

[PleaseJustShootMeNow]

Or should that be 'yesterday I was your friendly neighbour, today I'm the childsnatcher'?

[WillisGoPhyllis]

Absolutely PleaseJust - you're just left feeling 'what on earth did I do?'

[Latara]

From the evidence given by OP I doubt this man's a risk to her DD.
I think OP is wrong to 'feel uneasy' about this man being near her DD.

I think that she probably wants an excuse to 'feel uneasy' so she doesn't have to speak to this neighbour - because it's easy to ignore a bad neighbour who is nasty or dodgy; it's very difficult / socially unacceptable to be rude & ignore a nice neighbour who just talks too much and is a bit socially inept.

It's sad & a shame that this man with possible SN is lonely and no-one wants to talk to him.
But his problems are not OP's responsibility.. sadly he's no-one's responsibility unless this man lacks mental capacity and there is no suggestion of that.
Social services couldn't get involved unless he allows them to.

From her OP I think the main problem for her are the steps allowing her neighbour to see into her garden - but unless she confronts her neighbour about them then I expect they will stay.
Confronting her neighbour about the steps long after they have been installed would be cruel to a sensitive man and create bad feeling but might be effective in getting them removed.

If OP doesn't want to do this then she has 4 choices:
a) move
b) learn to ignore this man when she is in her garden - by ignoring him he will get bored with her (this would be cruel though)
c) be friendly to him when she's in the garden and put up with him
d) never use the garden!

Personally I've had neighbour issues but that was with people who I was right to 'feel uneasy' about. I built a 6 foot fence to keep my pest of neighbour from climbing over my fence when he was drunk, thankfully he moved away and didn't build steps!

[MrsCosmopilite]

PleaseJust that has happened to my friend. She still questions what she did wrong to 'turn' these people (supposed friends) against her.

I sometimes get it wrong with her but we're close enough friends for her to put me straight if I've explained badly/been unclear, and I'll do my best to accommodate her "foibles" (she also has OCD and depression, so sometimes can be a little unpredictable when we are meeting up, etc.).

[FrankSaysNo]

This post made me very sad.

[LEMmingaround]

Get the local lynch mob to go and sort him out. All you need to do is spray paedophile on his front door. They will do the rest!

[PleaseJustShootMeNow]

What's really sad is that treating people with AS like this is so common that whether it happens to you or not is actually part of the adult diagnosis process were I am. They recognise that adult with AS wil have a long history of being treated badly by others, so much so that that history becomes a symptom for diagnostic purposes.

[thornrose]

There is so much negativity around AS it drives me up the wall. My child with Aspergers is a girl, she should thank her lucky stars, it might save her from the fucking paedo slurs when she grows up.

[Goldmandra]

This thread has made me feel sad about the future for my two DDs.

OP, if he has AS, he won't get hints that you would like to stop chatting. You just have to tell him clearly and politely. His biggest concern will then probably be whether he has inconvenienced you in the past.

If you don't want him to talk to your DD over the fence, just politely ask him not to. If there are times you would prefer he doesn't talk to you, explain that too. If you would like him to stop using the steps, explain that you like to use your garden in private and would he please take them away.

It would be nice if you could also find a time to tell him that it is OK to talk to you and/or your DD but I don't feel confident that there is one.

It isn't easy explaining social rules to someone who doesn't get them automatically but they are usually grateful that someone has taken the time to enlighten them. Perhaps you could be the person that does this for him.

Think about how you word it. make it clear and very literal but please also be compassionate towards someone who probably considers his conversations with you and your family to be the highlight of his week.

[AbbieHoffmansAfro]

Bear in mind OP you have given this man absolutely no guidance or inkling of how you want your interactions with him to be, so you bear a lot of the responsibility for the situation in which you find yourself.

[Northernlurker]

I wonder if the OP has read to Kill a Mockingbird.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Pleasejust your experience is just awful , yes I can imagine that happening even to those who are NT, there are some nasty people in the world, just think it's them, not you! I read on here about mums inviting all but 1 to a class party, think that it's alright! I think tgeur social skills are not good. I do worry about dd7, I hope as she gets older, she will be mire wiser to life, she only 7 now.

[MysteriousCircusZebra]

I'm not sure exactly why you think he's a pervert op? Theres nothing from your op to suggest anything of the sort. Its a sad world we live in where community inclusion is thwarted because of attitudes like yours. My neighbor talks over the fence to my kids. I don't feel the need to be constantly to be monitoring their conversation. Why should you? Aspergers does not equal pervert you know

[Kleinzeit]

Have you tried telling him exactly what you want? You could ask him not to speak to your DD unless you are outside too. Or, after a short chat with him you could try telling him that now you are busy and you want to carry on gardening / hanging up the washing quietly and you will talk to him again next time you come outside.

I know we'd usually think that was a bit rude but some people with ASCs do appreciate being told clearly how people want to interact – well no guarantees because people vary, but you could try and see. If the talk-to-you-later thing seems to work then you could tell him you don't like him watching you over the fence when you aren't talking.

[Nanny0gg]

This is horrible.

There is nothing wrong with him chatting to your daughter. And at least she's young enough not to mind.

You don't need to not go into your garden; just do what you need to do and chat at the same time or chat briefly and then tell him firmly you need to get on and you'll see him another time. You've lived there 12 years and now you can't go out there?

This sort of thread must strike terror into the hearts of parents with DC with SEN.

Where has all the kindness gone?

[Kleinzeit]

And I’m sorry MrsWinnebago but no, we can’t just “make up our minds”. It’s a grey area. Sometimes instinctive unease is a response to danger but sometimes it is just nervousness caused by not knowing how to interact with someone. And some situations are more risky than others. Accepting a lift is more risky than talking over the fence. So in that case it makes more sense to follow the instinct.