To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Build a 15 foot one with barbed wire on top.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

"Not everyone is giving enough to do that".
Obviously so.

[Badvoc123]

I better stop talking to my neighbours kids then.
I am obv a peadohile!
What a vile vile op.
How very sad.

[MurkyMinotaur]

To give another point of view, I'm an adult with Aspergers and I sympathise with OP.

I had a neighbour who would come into my garden and make comments. I stayed indoors a lot because outside was too social. When I was talking to DH with a window or door open, I imagined a third party listening in. It began to feel like a commune. It was stressful.

Since I moved, I've been able to enjoy sunlight and exercise in my garden. I feel more relaxed and healthier.

I think it's ok to care about the elderly neighbour but at the same time, to not want to feel as though you live together in one large space. Community is essential but within that, respect for personal family space is necessary too.

As for a solution...I'm really not sure! I suppose ideally it's about keeping interaction within workable friendly neighbour limits so that he has the joy of living next to friendly people, but without overstepping social boundaries quite so much.

Perhaps keep conversations to within a few minutes, by saying, 'Right, I must get on...' in a light and airy tone of voice and walking away. Perhaps say, 'Hi' when you see him and then turn away and continue what you're doing.

I can't think of anything else at the moment.

[bottlecat]

Poor man. It's in no way inappropriate for him to have a chat with your dd over the fence. In fact it's perfectly normal.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

With respect Murky. If you have AS then social interaction is probably more demanding on you that it is to the OP.

I think she just doesn't want to be bothered by the man, it's not that she finds the constant threat of interaction anxiety provoking like you did (which sounds hard, sympathies)

[Viviennemary]

I think your the one whose behaviour sounds a bit obsessive. But on the other hand maybe your neighbour should realise you are the type of person who builds seven foot fences, wants nothing to do with an elderly lonely man, and thinks it's inappropriate a child talks to a next door neighbour. I think you are the one with the problem not him.

[GarlicAugustus]

It's not normal to climb up steps to talk over the fence, though.

OP your fence is probably illegal.

[Beeyump]

Och yes, I think YABU

Also, do you think he broke into your shed? I couldn't quite work that one out.

[Beeyump]

WHY is it inappropriate for him to chat to your DD? She was quite happy, you could see her...it's just so sad.

[Gruntfuttock]

Well said, Viviennemary, I think so too.

[Beautifullymixed]

Think Callaired said it best here.

Show him kindness and give him some time, keep it all friendly, so you're able to say 'not now I'm busy, but we can chat later/tomorrow.'

We all need a bit of kindness and compassion from time to time.

[SamG76]

Agree with Callaird. Also, it's having small interactions with the community that often preserves people's physical and mental health. I think OP is showing the lack of empathy that people with ASD are often wrongly accused of.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just be polite to him, set your boundaries I.e I have to go now as I have to cook dinner etc. inform police 101 if your concerned or SS if your concerned with his welfare.

[whatableedingmess]

I feel a bit sad reading this. It reminds me of my old neighbour who died in 2012. He was in his 80s when he died, he lived alone, had some mental health diagnosis that meant he had to take anti-psychotics (which he showed me one day and said he never took anyway). He was never terribly clean in himself and his house was worse and he would walk for miles across country every day as he was mildly agoraphobic and didn't enjoy being indoors.

If you got him in conversation he would talk the hind leg off a donkey and it would be difficult to get away. Most people in our town thought he was suspicious and weird. A few of us took the bother to give him some time and listen to him and see him for what he was a lonely, slightly vulnerable, harmless guy who now and then needed a friendly ear, some help and a lot of patience.

He actually had a very interesting life story and some very progressive views for a man his age. We knew him for about 8 years before he died, our son grew up knowing him and we have some good memories of time spent with him.

I think OP, you don't have to engage with him if you don't want to but it would be a shame to be un-neighbourly if the worst thing he does to you is talk your ear off now and then. It's a little bit daft to let your garden go to rack and ruin because you are trying to avoid this man. You need to live your life and lay down some boundaries with him when he comes to talk to you.

[PandaNot]

Everything Callaird said. There's nothing to stop you telling him you can't talk just now and just carrying on with what you need to do.

My dd6 chats to our single, male, next door neighbour. They discuss cats and tadpoles - he has a pond. It's never occurred to me that this would be a problem, she's just having a chat.

[MrsWinnibago]

I also am on the Autistic Spectrum. High functioning but still. Maybe I'm too unemotional about this but the fact is that the OP doesn't want to talk to her neighbour. Whatever anyone here thinks of that is irrelevant...she does not want to chat. She does not want her DD to either.

Call it "vile" if you want but it's her right to not interact if she doesn't want to. My DDs both talk to all our neighbours young and old but I am not bothered by that...the OP IS.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Life would be awful if it was just about rights and not about compassion.

[MrsWinnibago]

I know Fanjo but some people struggle with compassion. They just do...the OP's never going to be pursueded to have compassion...it won't sit naturally with her.

[BarbarianMum]

I think you should move (either to a detached property or vet the neighbours first).

Or just tell him you don't like him, find him weird and don't want to speak to him. Social disorder or not im sure that'll do the trick

We used to invite our socially isolated neighbour round for coffee. I thought that was normal behaviour

[bottlecat]

The op doesn't have to engage with her neighbour if she doesn't want to, but labelling him as behaving inappropriately for talking to her dd over the fence is wrong.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

You know what? The OP and that kind of attitude are the reason that I feel like I'm forever discouraging my 8yo ds with autism from chatting constantly to the neighbours. He's never rude, just quite the chatterer. But I worry that when he gets older, this kind of behaviour will be "misinterpreted" as something sinister because he's a male.

Sad old world we live in.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Gosh. Yabu

Well, I can understand that it must be irritating feeling like you have no privacy. Can't you just say "oh hello x, just popping the washing on the line, in a bit of a rush, dinner is on" etc for times when you don't fancy a chat?

There is really nothing wrong with him chatting to your daughter. You have lived next door to him for 12 years. Irrespective of whether he has Aspergers or not, it is incredibly unkind to infer he is some kind of perv for chatting to your daughter. You wouldn't like it if he ignored her trying to talk to him would you?

He's a lonely old man who appears, from what you have said, to have been abandoned by his siblings and their families after caring for their mother and grandmother for decades.

I'd like to think I would be kinder in these circumstances than you are being.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to privacy. I have very lovely, friendly neighbours but sometimes I just do not want to talk to them or indeed anyone. But looking like a rude arse instead of being polite for 10/15 minutes just isn't worth it.

For all you know, you and your family are the only real people he speaks to every day, unless he goes to the shops.

I always used to keep in mind when I worked in a supermarket that I might be the only human contact some customers had had that day or week.

[MummytoMog]

Seriously, what you're saying is that the OP has no right to be in her garden without being talked at or watched (when she is clearly uncomfortable with it) and actually by virtue of living next door to this person, who is isolated and lonely I get that, she has somehow got a duty towards him? She's made suggestions for activities he could get involved in, I would suggest maybe she sees if there is someone in adult social services who might suggest a befriending programme, or activity centre, but he is not her responsibility.

Frankly, I find it difficult enough to keep on top of my caring responsibilities to people I am actually related to, never mind take on a virtual stranger as well. We are all human and there are limits to what we can be expected to do FFS. I'm as compassionate as I can be, but I am one sodding person and if I am to continue being a good wife, mother, daughter and sister, then I'm going to have to put limits on how many people I can nurture. Unfortunately this means that other than keeping an eye out for my elderly neighbours, I don't really have any time to spend with them. In the same way that I would never have ten children, because I know I couldn't be a good mother to ten children, I think it's perfectly ok to limit how much of yourself you give to other people, particularly when your family naturally has to have the first call on you and your emotional energy.

I don't think the OP said she considers her neighbour to have an untoward interest in her daughter, but I'm not a huge fan of people talking to my children either, whether I'm concerned about their intentions or not. I actually think I'm perfectly entitled to want to control who my toddlers speak to.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Noone is expecting her to have him move in with her.

Just maybe not insinuate he is a paedophile for chatting to her daughter as well as totally ignoring him.