To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

[ChoccaDoobie]

Nothing to do with him being a pervert though....that does seem a bit of a leap.

[ocelot41]

For what its worth, I sympathise with the OP. I value my privacy too and if you feel uneasy - you feel uneasy.

[Badvoc123]

You have to love Aibu :)
Op:Aibu?
Everyone: yes!
Op: no I'm not!
Ffs.

[lbsjob87]

Ok, one last post.
I can see why people object of my use of that word - to be fair, if I hadn't said it, someone would have said I was implying it.
He probably isn't. I am not saying he is.

But something instinctively makes me uneasy about a 60 year old man climbing to the top of a 7ft fence to talk to a 5 year old girl when he admits he has shunned several other attempts to make his own friends.

There, I said it.

That was my point. Take that however you like.

[ChoccaDoobie]

Not everyone said yabu . I actually think a lot of people would be very uncomfortable with this in RL.

[thereturnofshoesy]

got to lol
op puts up a massive fence, instead of reporting her, her neighbour is still freindly
so she moans

[ChoccaDoobie]

I also think there is an important point to be made here about teaching children that they don't have to talk to anyone and everyone just to be polite. If her dd is happy then that is one thing but What would people advise op to do if her dd tells her she doesn't want to talk to the neighbour every time? Should she say "don't be so unkind, he's just being friendly? You have to speak to him each and every time he pops his head over the fence"?

[SeaTurtleVomit]

You've got enough replies about how silly it is to be worried about a neighbor talking to your daughter when a fence is separating them (and you presumably in the house where you can open a window to make sure she's in the yard, which you'd be doing chat or not). I'd be happy he was giving me a break from chatterbox DD

That aside, I would be upset if someone kept pestering me everytime I went outside. It's a bit suffocating if you just want some space and to enjoy the outdoors.

It's not ok to just start talking to people

Seriously though, just have a pocket full of excuses when he talks to you and keep conversations brief. "I have to cook dinner" "Nice chatting, bye!" That way you only have to talk to him as long as you want to.

Honestly, I'd talk to him about the steps. Ask him why they're there and tell him that's no appropriate to look over your yard like that. Or just make a joke about it "Ah, spying on me again I see", so he knows it's odd and you don't really like it. If he really does have AS, you might just need to be blunt (but friendly) and tell him you don't like it, and that you'll invite him over for tea and cookies when you want to chat. Then invite him over a couple times a week. You'll get to know him, and it'll probably will ease your fears about him talking to DD.

The point is, no one is psychic. If something bugs you, it's on you to speak up about it.

For what it's worth. There was a man that sort of came around the church growing up that always brought bags of candy for the kids. He wanted a hug and he'd give us candy and ask us about school. Never forced a hug, and never once talked about or did anything inappropriate with us. But if I were to write an AIBU about it, everyone would be weirded out by the stray candy man that only talked to children, I'm sure.

[TessOfTheFurbyvilles]

That went well, I thought!

[wafflyversatile]

But what is it about a 60 year old man talking to a 5 year old neighbour that makes you uneasy?

I have no kids and I fully expect to enjoy talking to them when I'm 60 as I do now. I love young kids. They are cute and funny and full of joy. They are great company. 5 years olds are probably more accepting of his conversation style than adults.

[mollypup]

OP,

your issue is that you trying to compare his state of mind to your own. they just aren't comparable. he, as many others have said, does not have any real concept of boundaries etc. you need to either say something politely or expect it just to continue.

i don't see anything wrong with him climbing the steps to speak to your daughter. speaking to your daughter trumps speaking to no one for at least another 24 hours.

[Nanny0gg]

I had elderly neighbours when I was growing up.

They were lovely to me - I constantly chatted to them when I saw them and they'd let me come round to their garden.

No issues - it was how it always used to be.

[Karenthetoadslayer]

No, I am getting it, OP. I know where you are coming from. I had the same concerns with a lonely elderly gentleman next door who can see into our conservatory and into our garden from his garden.

He went so far as to put a chair into the middle of his lawn to get a good view of what we were doing and when we moved to another spot in the garden or in the conservatory, he moved his chair accordingly.

On a few occasions, he fetched an enormous soft toy dog from his house and waved it at the DCs (who are over ten years old).

Luckily there is quite some distance between our houses and therefore I am not too concerned, but the dog did freak me out a bit, I must say.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

It was a dog not his willy fgs

[Karenthetoadslayer]

point taken

[PleaseJustShootMeNow]

Where I live (not UK) it's considered extremely strange to want to hide yourself away from the neighbours. In most areas you are expressly forbidden to put up any fence which blocks your neighbours view into your garden. In our area max height for fences is 3ft and they have to have 50% visibility (ie not solid, but picket or trellis type of thing).

My neighbour is retired. We often chat over the fence, although now I'm worried about what he's thinking about me. Although to be fair, he often gives me fruit and vegetables out of his garden so I can't be that bad.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree with op, yes be polite with the man when you see him, but if is invasion of your privacy to have him spying on you (thought not in a bad way) in the garden, and him popping up ever time your out. What if you want to sunbath topless. Your garden is meant to be your own private area. Tell him you are busy and don't have time to talk right now, be polite to him.

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

Op I am sorry you left the thread you have had a terribly nasty time on here.

The Piranha Pack are out in force tonight...to seize on tiny parts of post to then tear you apart but hey...thats MN .

I wonder what these posters would think of my neighbours.

We had a 6ft fence that came down...they said they would like to replace with with waist high fences.

They soon changed their mind after a few weeks of my very sweet, 6 year old daughter simply sitting near them, in our garden when they were in their garden! She is quite shy, they engaged her in conversation then were surprised when she wanted to talk more...although she never instigated convo but sat near them!

the fence has gone back and guess what? is it waist high? Is it hell, its 7ft high.

Its great for me, but this is a young couple with child, reacting to my dd...

Anyway op, unfortunately I think your very wise to be cautious about your neighbour.

And by dint of living next to someone with issues does not mean, because he has taken a shine to you - you have to become his whole world.

I would phone SS and tell them about his lonliness, no clubs and you are worried about his happiness and quality of life, and if they cant help can perhaps direct you in right area. and then put trellis up.

tell your DD to be careful, never ever go anywhere and so on...

[JoinedJustForThis]

I thought you explained your feelings & reasonings well OP & can totally see where you're coming from.

If you were sat in the front garden, fair enough - but I (and a nearly everyone I know) tend to regard our back gardens as "that bit of outdoors that is ours & ours alone" - it's nice to sit down & chill.

If a bloody head popped up over the fence every time I'm afraid it would start to grate....

Although a lot of the bullshitters people on here don't seem to have or approve of fences & anyone can talk to their kids as long as they're of pensionable age you rely on your instincts & keep an eye on it.

It's not wrong to want your space to stay yours.

[queenofthemountain]

There is absolutely nothing inappropriate about the old chap talking to your DD.
However I do sympathise at the feeling of being 'hunted' in your own garden.I had a similar situation (but diffferent circumstances) a few years ago and people should not underestimate the impact that it has on you.

[MrsCosmopilite]

I'm sorry you felt that you had to leave the thread, OP. I can understand that you feel it may be 'inappropriate' for your neighbour to constantly engage your daughter in conversation, but for him, she probably cheers him up, and they can talk in an uncomplicated manner.

As several people have said on here, people with AS don't "get" hints and the suchlike. He would not necessarily have seen your building a fence as a way to 'block him', but as something you had to put up for your garden. Therefore to be able to see you and be neighbourly, he has had to put up steps.

For AS people, joining clubs and societies can be nerve-wracking. Timetables must be consulted for transport, routes must be known, time and location must be specific. Getting there can be hell as it is not a case of getting on a bus/train. My AS friend tells me that if she is headed out to a venue, she has to allow extra time to find quiet spaces to sit in. Walking down the pavement means noticing every crack, every cigarette butt, every piece of chewing gum, hearing every conversation from people walking by, noticing the glare of light from every shop window, car.... essentially it is a sensory overload. Add to this the stress of meeting new people and it becomes near impossible.

For non-AS people, it's really difficult to imagine the day-to-day because we filter all these out. We don't necessarily notice the plane flying over, the noise of the traffic passing, that someone walking past us has coughed.

The garden is a relatively safe place in comparison. It's non-threatening, and it's likely not to be as over-stimulating.

I agree that you have no obligation to do anything at all for your neighbour, but I thought that it may be helpful if you understood a little more about how he is likely to function on a day to day basis.

If you are able to politely and clearly explain about setting boundaries in terms of chatting whilst in the garden, and why things are not appropriate, then he should, hopefully understand and react positively to those suggestions.

[OddFodd]

No actually OP, I think it's shit parenting to teach your child to be afraid of disabled people. There, I said it.

[womblesofwestminster]

op YANBU. I can't believe people are ignoring/dismissing him building the steps. WTAF.

[Aeroflotgirl]

If the neighbour was was in the front and your dd happened to be there fine , but his boundaries are blurred due to his AS and mabey doesent realise he's annoying you. If my neighbour kept popping her headover the fence every time I went into the garden SN or not it would annoy me.