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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling hurt about Dad's spending

162 replies

LemonadeLady · 04/08/2014 21:52

My mother died a few years ago. She always saved money which she said was for the grandchildren, emergencies and holidays..

Because of the circumstances Dad took power of attorney before she died and all her money went into his account. It was a large sum.

I didn't expect anything after her death but the last few years have been a struggle financially with a young family. My brother is in negative equity and we were both hoping Dad would offer to help out with something for the grandchildren one day.

However it seems that he has spent most of the money... long holidays, a new car, treats to cheer himself up because he is bereaved and lonely. I can understand why he spends but he also has a huge pension and is basically blowing the lot.

I feel so hurt that he hasn't even considered helping us out. If the money was in mum's account when she died it would have been devided between us. She would be so upset about it. My brother & I are struggling to cover the basics while he is buying whatever he feels like.

It is also a reminder that without my mum in this world there is no-one to put me first.

Please tell me IABU.

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 04/08/2014 22:01

I can understand why you feel how you do BUT if your mum had wanted you to have something then surely she would have left a will gifting money to your brother. If both your parents worked and saved they did it as a unit so your dad has every right to spend the money a he wishes.

You could ask your dad for an interest free loan if there is something you really need.

magpiegin · 04/08/2014 22:14

Did your mum actually leave you a share of her bank account in her will?

Have you spoken to your dad about how you're struggling? Have you asked for any help?

DaisyFlowerChain · 04/08/2014 22:24

YABU. If your mum wanted to leave you some money she would have wrote a will to that effect. Its usual to leave most or all to your money to a spouse as it's theirs anyway if married.

You are an adult now with your own family, you shouldn't be relying on others to be paying for things you need.

LineRunner · 04/08/2014 22:28

You need to tell him, and ask for his help. He can only say no. But give him the chance to advise and assist if he wants to.

Original poster
LemonadeLady · 04/08/2014 22:31

Thanks Ladies,
The money was in his account when she died so it doesn't matter that the will said her estate should be split between us. It was considered his money by then.
Agree purple that they were a unit. That is definitely how he sees it - he paid bills, mum saved = his money. I just know mum would disapprove of him frittering it as she went without to put money aside for us.....:-(
I have told him how it's a struggle magpie but he doesn't want to know really.

OP posts:
squoosh · 04/08/2014 22:33

I don't think YABU.

It must be hard to be struggling while seeing a parent frittering money away on frivolities, especially knowing your mother didn't plan for her savings to be used this way.

I'm sure lots of people will pile on to say you're acting spoilt and entitled. Ignore them.

WaffleWiffle · 04/08/2014 22:41

My dad died 9 years ago after mum spent 10 years caring for him.

I am pleased she is now spending her money enjoying life. She gave up 30-odd years caring for her children then 10 years caring for her husband.

Now is her time. She damn well deserves every penny of the savings she spends on herself.

You are being unreasonable.

BumpNGrind · 04/08/2014 22:42

I'm sorry for your loss and for your financial struggles and I sympathise, but I think YABU. When my father passed away my mother 'got' everything, rightfully so. My parents had worked their entire lives and my fathers was tragically cut off so young. I tried my best to help my mother with the financial admin and didn't expect anything in return, I just wanted to see her provided for. That said she has been generous with me! but I've absolutely hated taking anything from her because it doesn't feel right.

My DM has had to walk this earth alone since my fathers passing. She is without her soulmate and best friend. She has friends and I am there for her, but she is lonely. She deserves every right to spend her money on luxuries that make her life better. I've told her to spend her money on cruises, cars and parties.

Original poster
LemonadeLady · 04/08/2014 22:42

I'm sure they will sqoosh.
It's actually less about the money, more about the lack of thought. I have to accept Dad is not Mum.

OP posts:
zipzap · 04/08/2014 22:50

Aren't there ways of challenging the power of attorney when the person with the power effectively abuses it and takes money for themselves when they shouldn't?

Not sure how that works out when the two people are married though and very tricky as it would effectively mean you taking legal action against your dad which could be all sorts of horrible.

But it might be worth asking in the Legal section to see if there is any comeback that you could have if you do want to go down that route...

SanityClause · 04/08/2014 22:53

So, your father took the money out of her account, when he had POA, and therefore that money was not part of her estate when she died? From what you are saying, her will did not leave the money to your father, and it wasn't his to take. Surely POA should be used to administer the money on behalf of the incapable (for whatever reason) person, not to just take it for yourself!

That actually seems a bit dodgy to me.

MostWicked · 04/08/2014 22:54

frittering money away on frivolities
Sorry but that's really not fair. A parent has every right to spend their money however they want to. When a parent is widowed, I cannot imagine how hard it must be for them to carry on without their soulmate

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 04/08/2014 22:55

Appreciate this might not be what you want to hear but that Power of Attorney sounds dodgy to me. As i understand it, it gives someone else the ability to manage your money on your behalf, not just take it for themself!

With legal advice you possibly could take it further and prove it was your mums money but that would almost certainly be the nail in the coffin for your relationship with your dad. Talking sounds like the best option.

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 04/08/2014 22:56

Crossed posts!

Glasshammer · 04/08/2014 23:02

It must be really hard feeling that there's no one to look after you. The money is symbolic

Original poster
LemonadeLady · 04/08/2014 23:03

Yes lastnight sanity zipzap.
It was a bit dodgy but it was all so awful at the time I didn't question it.
I would never take legal advice about it. We have a close relationship and that is why it is so hurtful.

I was actually hoping perple would tell me I was being unreasonable so I can try to forget about it.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 04/08/2014 23:04

It's a difficult one. If your mum had such instructions for the money I'd have thought she would have made it known to him.

Original poster
LemonadeLady · 04/08/2014 23:04

That is exactly how I feel glasshammer
I guess I am living with my own bereavement.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonadeLady · 04/08/2014 23:06

People I mean!

OP posts:
SanityClause · 04/08/2014 23:10

No, I guessed you wouldn't want to take any legal redress, which is why I didn't suggest it.

It must feel like such a betrayal for him to take that money from you, when your mother had promised it. I get that it's more the fact that it represents to you that your mother cared for you, but your father isn't putting you first in the same way. Sad

Only1scoop · 04/08/2014 23:12

To be honest I'd find it hurtful.... I can see where you are coming from.

MillieH30 · 04/08/2014 23:16

I also think there's a real questionmark over your DF transferring money from your DM's account into his own.

Your earlier post suggests that your DM left a will leaving her assets to be divided between her children. If that's right, and your DF literally helped himself to the money in her bank account using his PoA, then he is in breach of trust. He doesn't acquire a legal right to the money just because he has physical possession of it.

It sounds like it might be arguable that your DF holds the money on trust for the beneficiaries of your DM's will, and that as a beneficiary you may be able to recover it (although whether or not you would want to go down a legal route is another question). May well be worth taking legal advice quickly if your DF's busy spending it.

MillieH30 · 04/08/2014 23:17

Sorry OP - posts crossed.

Viviennemary · 04/08/2014 23:17

It is nice when parents help their children out but I don't think children should see it as a right. Mostly in wills the money is left to the spouse unless a specific legacy is made stating otherwise. I think Scottish law is slightly different with children entitled to a portion of the money but not property.

pumpkin3142 · 04/08/2014 23:26

The OP stated that her mum had written a will leaving her money to her children, however her father moved that money to his account when he was her power of attorney. That is a huge abuse of his role as PoA.

OP, either he did that through ignorance of the role of PoA, or purposely to steal your inheritance. Either way I would talk to him- if it was by ignorance, presumably he will want to honour your mum's wishes.

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