Feeling hurt about Dad's spending

[LemonadeLady]

My mother died a few years ago. She always saved money which she said was for the grandchildren, emergencies and holidays..

Because of the circumstances Dad took power of attorney before she died and all her money went into his account. It was a large sum.

I didn't expect anything after her death but the last few years have been a struggle financially with a young family. My brother is in negative equity and we were both hoping Dad would offer to help out with something for the grandchildren one day.

However it seems that he has spent most of the money... long holidays, a new car, treats to cheer himself up because he is bereaved and lonely. I can understand why he spends but he also has a huge pension and is basically blowing the lot.

I feel so hurt that he hasn't even considered helping us out. If the money was in mum's account when she died it would have been devided between us. She would be so upset about it. My brother & I are struggling to cover the basics while he is buying whatever he feels like.

It is also a reminder that without my mum in this world there is no-one to put me first.

Please tell me IABU.

but normally if married joint assits are not normally bequested to other people as the partner in the relationship can easily challege the will and most likely win said challage unless their is depents involed or I might be wrong I am not a lawyer

but simething sort of similar happend to my uncle his wife died suddenly and left everything she owned to her sister even tho they were married and said sister wanted then to kick my uncle out of his home (as she was demanding her portion of the house only assit they had and he could not raise enough money to buy her out) e and so issued a challage under spousal act or was it marrige act and had the will set asided (sorry cant remeber exact act it falls under)

I don't think you are being YABU either. If I knew my partner had always saved to be able to help pout her grandkids later on, then however much I might want to spend that money on myself, I would feel really bad about doing so with any more than a minor share of it.

Agree also that this is not what PoA is meant to be for. It's meant to be to help out the incapacitated person, not so you can swoop in and bag everything for yourself.

I'd find it hard to not say this openly to him, and if he is talking about being lonely, I would have to make quite an effort not to point out that he has put possessions above his grandchildren so not surprising he's lonely. As squoosh said, I can imagine many people would disagree and say this is entitled, but I think he's being selfish and that he's the entitled one here. It must be very disappointing and hurtful for you and your brother.

op it doesn't sound as though your mums wishes in her will were carried out. POA is an administrative device it doesn't mean you get to keep the assets for yourself afaik.

I don't think YABU. It is reasonable to expect your mum's wishes to be carried out. I have no problem with your dad looking after his needs but it would have been fairer if he'd carried out her wishes. Not sure you can do much though without causing a rift.
When my dad died my mum was his sole beneficiary. I never expected anything and didn't receive it either. He would have assumed she'd help me out as I was still at uni full time with a part time job. My mum took control of his finances and she made extravagant purchases too. She did help me out a bit financially at first but she never let me forget it after. I would much prefer in hindsight that he'd gifted me even a little to call my own rather than making me beholden to my mum.
He had his retirement pension pot put away for a rainy day, a decent sum but it lasted no time. Then she didn't pay up for over a year for his funeral, telling the undertaker she was hard up because I was in uni! When the money dried up she borrowed from her sister which she told her was for my college fees. I had got a grant by then which covered my fees. Her sister told her to keep the money and not repay it even though she was never in debt as such and had 2 good pensions.
To this day my aunt's family believe she funded my college education after dad died but in reality they didn't. I didn't know what mum spent it on, it wasn't the house and she didn't drive, or have any hobbies. When years later she had to go into a nursing home I had to go through her things. She had a room stuffed full of expensive suits, dresses, coats, bags and shoes, all with their tags still on. She never wore them. I wouldn't have cared what she'd spent if she'd worn them. I think her enjoyment stopped at buying them though.

I'm leaving all the PoA and inheritance side of things to other posters.

I understand your disappointment. I see that you yourself are aware of how money becomes mixed up with feelings (almost substituting for emotions sometimes) so this is bound to be a messy story while grief is still strong. I'm sorry for what you're all going through.

If you'll excuse me telling you a small personal story: I have severe depression. When it's bad, I don't realise it. I have just discovered over a thousand pounds worth of purchases I made from Amazon & Ebay last winter - some of these things, I didn't even know I had; others I thought had cost a quarter of what they did. I'm on benefits: this is serious shit to me.
When your emotions are sorely disrupted, some of your cognitive abilities go out the window. I wouldn't be too quick to label your father as grasping, dishonest, or whatever.

Have you actually directly asked him for financial help, or just told him you are struggling? Some people have to be told in plain terms, no hinting.

This is an issue that is clearly bothering you a lot, so I think it couldn't hurt to lay your cards on the table and tell him what you've told us. Don't be vague. You haven't really got anything to lose.

Your father abused the power of attorney and you should follow this up. As other posters have stated this is an administrative function to assist someone who us no longer able to deal with own affairs, not an opportunity to steal someone's assets.
What happened to the will when she died? Who deemed she had no assets as the money was in your father's account? Do get some legal advice regarding this situation.
With regard to what is happening now, what he chooses to do with his money is his affair, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry for you loss but I think YABU.

If your mother didn't put it in her will then the money is your dads to do with as he wishes.

If she saved their joint money then it is now your dads to spend as he wishes to do so. He earns the money.

As hard as it is there is no 'right' to help from parents. We are struggling financially at the moment and my parents do help when they can. I don't however 'expect' this.

I don't think yabu and sorry for your loss. You knew your mum, and if you say that she wanted to leave some to you and your Db then it is wrong what he's done. Regardless of her not specifically stating an amount to leave to you, your father being your father should naturally want to help you and Db out? It wasn't him only that lost someone, I think he is very selfish. How can he splash his money around knowing his kids are struggling when he has the capacity to help them.

Your earlier post suggests that your DM left a will leaving her assets to be divided between her children. If that's right, and your DF literally helped himself to the money in her bank account using his PoA, then he is in breach of trust. He doesn't acquire a legal right to the money just because he has physical possession of it.

^^ millie Is correct. DH has a POA for his godmother, there are two other godchildren who do not have POA. Im sure if DH popped her assets into his account and squandered the lot, then the other two god children would be starting a law suit immediately!

How did your father get the money? Did your mother transfer it? or did he by abusing the POA?

I think you should come right out with it to your father. Your relationship is close enough for you to be able to ask pointed questions. There was a will, the money was moved. You have a right. Who was the executor of the will?

It's not clear from your post whether there was a will?
Was there one?
Who were the executors?

Yabu. My mother has pots of money. She goes on loads of holidays goes out quite a bit and drives a new Lexus. We don't have any. I've honestly never thought about it being unfair or that she should help us out.

I'm sorry for your loss and for your financial situation. But I think expecting your parents to bail you out is unreasonable. My Fil died, all the money was transferred to mil without question - it was their money, they were married and therefore had a financial partnership. Your df has every right to spend the money whatever way he pleases, it's a shame he doesn't notice how much you are struggling at the moment but you are no long his financial responsibility.

I think you need to get some legal advice.

Even if the money were given as a "gift" before she died - it would take 7 years for it not to be considered as part of her estate (on a sliding scale).

You need to make sure that the Will said to children and not to husband first and if he predecease her, then to children.

Definitely, phone a solicitor and get advice NOW before it's too late to contest it.

My mother died over a decade ago. As far as I know she left her assets to my f thinking he would after the 3 of us. Turned out my d had v different plans. For a long time I was angry about this, also scared as the financial backing I'd had disappeared. My f very wealthy my sisters and I scrape along. If he'd died first things would have been v different. I wish my m had trusted him less - but I guess it never was my money

I think it would be helpful if you clarified whether there was a will, and if it specifically stated that you and your brother should get a share of her personal savings upon her death.

It's impossible to comment otherwise tbh.

I completely understand how you feel. Myself and my sisters lost our mum very young.
This was of course a massive loss for my dad and resulted in him using spending money on luxury holidays , buying property and new cars to help.
Like you we never had any help , nothing so much as a new pair of shoes for any of his grandchildren.
He barely sees his grand kids and I know my mum would have been devastated at that.
We have lost someone as well and I think it's very selfish for them to act in this way.
My dad has met someone else now and she has earmarked his savings , property for their retirement / future. Whilst using her own to support her children and they have her grandchildren round all the time.
I have come to accept this is how things are now but it hurts a lot , and like you say more so because this was never how it would have been if your mum was around.
Sorry for your loss op , it's very difficult.
I would recommend seeking legal advice though.

So I am confused you talk about 'her' money and your Father having POA.
I am not sure what you mean by 'her' money. Were your parents separated and this was money she earned after that, or perhaps it was money she bought into the relationship? (obviously not expecting you to answer!)
I think the general view is that if it is one persons salary that buys the electricity/pays the mortgage/buys the food then the other person can't save all the child benefit into their account and 'claim' it as theirs.

However you are not being unreasonable to have mixed feelings about it and for the money to be tied up emotionally in all sorts of feelings.

I have posted about money on here once or twice and some of the best bits of advice I have been given are along the lines of 'you never had the money so it was never yours' 'let it go' etc etc.

Unless the money was an inheritance you mum had then it was your fathers anyway regardless of being in a different account. Money between married people is seen as joint.

It doesn't sound like there was a will so it will automatically have been your fathers anyway.

Relying on inheritance is never a good idea, you have made your own choices as an adult re family size, mortgage etc as has your brother. If those choices cannot be afforded then it's not upto another adult to bail you out. Life is for living, why should your father not enjoy himself now he is all alone just because you have over stretched your commitments?

Unless the money was an inheritance you mum had then it was your fathers anyway regardless of being in a different account. Money between married people is seen as joint.

That's wrong. In general any money a married person has in their own account will belong to them, and not their spouse. (It's possible for some of it to belong to anyone, for example if you are looking after someone else's money, but if you looked into the vast majority of bank accounts held by married people in their own name only, all the money in it would belong to the individual whose name was on the account.)

Also, there was a will that left the mother's money to the children.

Money between married people is not necessarily joint. An account in the sole name of a spouse would only pass to other spouse under a will.
Money in a joint account passes to other spouse if they held the money as joint tenants and it would pass under the principle of survivorship, regardless of will. Money held as tenants in common is part of the deceased's estate and is distributed as per will or intestacy laws.

X post with cat.

Your dad is grieving too

YABU,it's not your money, your mum likely saved for the pair of them, if it wasn't left in a will it's not for you

We all struggle with young kids, and my mother died 7 years ago and was the saver in the family, but it's not my fathers place to keep us afloat, he deserves a life too and I don't begrudge him spending money that's not mine to mins about

And i cannot believe some people on here are saying that you should effectively look to shop your dad on the poa, and what will that achieve, another parental relationship loss - god i do hope my kids are not do grasping when they grow up!!

We have told our kids they will not have access to our money when they grow up - we love them but we are not here to bank roll them as adults.