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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling hurt about Dad's spending

162 replies

LemonadeLady · 04/08/2014 21:52

My mother died a few years ago. She always saved money which she said was for the grandchildren, emergencies and holidays..

Because of the circumstances Dad took power of attorney before she died and all her money went into his account. It was a large sum.

I didn't expect anything after her death but the last few years have been a struggle financially with a young family. My brother is in negative equity and we were both hoping Dad would offer to help out with something for the grandchildren one day.

However it seems that he has spent most of the money... long holidays, a new car, treats to cheer himself up because he is bereaved and lonely. I can understand why he spends but he also has a huge pension and is basically blowing the lot.

I feel so hurt that he hasn't even considered helping us out. If the money was in mum's account when she died it would have been devided between us. She would be so upset about it. My brother & I are struggling to cover the basics while he is buying whatever he feels like.

It is also a reminder that without my mum in this world there is no-one to put me first.

Please tell me IABU.

OP posts:

Original poster

LemonadeLady · 06/08/2014 08:10

Yep thewholeofthespoon I belive that is how he sees it.
The one time he can buy what he likes because he has the money and also mum isn't here to reign him in.
I also think he panicked about funeral expenses and solicitors 'getting their hands on the money'.

It is our of the question going a legal route with this but I will talk to him frankly about what mums wishes were and budgeting a bit more wisely...

OP posts:

Original poster

LemonadeLady · 06/08/2014 08:16

touch half of this money was bequeathed to DB and I in my mothers Will.

OP posts:

happyscouse · 06/08/2014 08:24

Who was the executor of the will?

Rebecca2014 · 06/08/2014 08:43

I think your mother would have been devastated to see your father just throwing their money away while you and your db struggle. Her final wish was not maintained and that is very sad.

But if you are not willing to take any legal advice then I do not see what will change by just talking to him? You have said you and db have tried talking to him before and he just shuts you down.

Attheendof · 06/08/2014 09:08

Touch it's not entitled to want what was left to you in a will.
Not sure how your father had the stomach to give you nothing when the will was clear on your mother's wishes.
And you are mad to consider having him come to live with you after all this!

Attheendof · 06/08/2014 09:11

Actually reading your final post OP I don't think you should take the line of talking to him about his spending. No adult would appreciate that. Just talk to him about what arrangement he is going to come to to give his children their share of the inheritance, as his wife wanted. He can squander his half if he wants that is not your concern (and others might think he's just living life to the full anyway - fine, as long as he uses his own money!)

Bearbehind · 06/08/2014 09:20

I agree with attheendof, you can't start dictating what he spends his money on or how to budget but you need to insist he gives you your share of the money he has so that it is only his money he is spending.

Just 'talking' to him isn't going to achieve anything by the sound of it. You've said you won't consider going down a legal route with this and if he knows that too you've got no chance.

Personally I think you need to tell him you and your brother are struggling financially and need the money you were bequeathed and insist he tells you how he'll pay you it or tell him you will have to take legal advice.

It's not very nice but he's not very nice- he is making fools of you and your brother.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 06/08/2014 09:47

I don't understand, if it was in the will, and you had an executor, why it's not been carried out... Are you sure it was in the will?! Of course he did move money over, but I think anyone would left on a situation where it was probably needed, and I agree with all the posters who think you should've building your own financial independence, at the end of the day the savings your mother had came from your fathers earnings

Chiana · 06/08/2014 09:54

I agree with Attheendof and BearBehind. Don't lecture him about his spending, just say you need him to provide you and DB with the money your DM bequeathed to you. If he baulks, say you'll be taking legal advice. He doesn't need to know it's not true.

I have been in a situation where there was conflict over a will, and it's not pleasant. But you have to stand up for yourself. Sometimes saying you'll bring lawyers into it is the best way to get the ball rolling.

susiedaisy · 06/08/2014 10:03

Touch. It's not being entitled. Ops mother left half her savings for her two adult children when she died and had told them this before she passed away and the father who would surely of known this emptied his wife's account and has now spent/kept the money meant for his children.
The fact that he won't sit and openly discuss or offer his children any of the said monies indicates to me he knows exactly what he has done.

2rebecca · 06/08/2014 10:06

I'm surprised anyone expects to get anything if just 1 parent dies. I also don't see why the money saved is regarded as the mother's and not the couple's money. When my mum died everything went to my dad. It's his money to spend as he wishes. I don't rely on there being any money left.
Different if you are talking step parents and my husband and I have wills to ensure if one of us dies that person's children get something as they won't if the other dies 20 years later and has remarried and no longer has much to do with them.
Even this can be difficult though as the person dying younger's kids may get alot of money but the remaining spouse may die older when there is no money left as times have changed/ care home costs etc so their children may get less although will have had more time with that parent.

Echocave · 06/08/2014 10:08

I agree with the posters who say the POA does not sound as if it has been exercised properly.
Please ask your father for financial help.
As to him not being your Mum, I am sending you a big hug OP because I fully understand what you're saying.

HaroldLloyd · 06/08/2014 10:14

MIL has told us that she is putting 5 a month for each grandchild into an account, as she has 7 and has been doing it for a while there must be a reasonable sum in there. If it passed to FIL and he wasted it all, I would be upset because it's not what she saved the money for.

So I can see where you are coming from.

If you could use some help I would just ask him has he out aside the money your mum wanted to go to her grandchildren.

I can also understand him wanting to spend money and enjoy himself as well. But not spending money he knew your mum wanted to go to your children on himself, if he knew that was her intention.

Bearbehind · 06/08/2014 10:17

I think it would be worth taking legally advice before you speak to your dad.

I'm not saying start any kind of proceedings but I've been thinking about the situation, and I'm no lawyer, but I'm not sure how easy it would be for your mum to bequeath money to you and DB whilst your father was alive as I don't think it would be very easy to distinguish what was hers and what was his.

Morally it's obviously wrong, but it doesn't sound like that bothers your father in the least.

TobyZiegler · 06/08/2014 10:23

Do husbands/wives even need POA if their income is joint and their finances are joint?

With regard to wills I'm not sure I could for example leave everything to my DS because what is 'mine' and what is DHs? DH is entitled to my stuff, money, pension whatever by being my husband. If we both went then yes it would be DSs. But if one goes surely the surviving spouse gets the lot. I've not read the whole thread, this might have been addressed I'll have a look in a moment.

OP your financial problems are not your father's responsibility. Don't fall out with him over this. He can down his money however he likes.

2rebecca · 06/08/2014 10:25

I agree the POA has been abused by the father, but I think that the mother was behaving oddly in not involving her husband in the decision in what happened to THEIR savings ( as I presume he was the main wage earner) and promising it to grandchildren when her husband was still alive. She'd have been better giving her kids the money if she wanted them to have it. I think if the adult children were going to do anything about this they should have done it when the father took over power of attorney or when the will was read and it was found he had removed the money from her so she had nothing to leave not several years after her death. Also I presume she had something like dementia if he got POA so there may have been several years of looking after an ailing wife that required him to use up alot of the money as that would have counted as an emergency.
If you want money to definitely go to a (young under 18) grandchild you'd be better off setting up a blind trust in their name then the money is definitely theirs and can't be touched by a spouse if they aren't a party to the trust. I have this set up for my kids, means they get the money when they are 18 though.

Original poster

LemonadeLady · 06/08/2014 10:26

Thanks again,
Yes I think that will be the best course: asking what provision he has made to pass on the money which was stated in the Will. Perhaps ask the executors to help with that discussion.

Goodness - this has nothing to do with my finances. Of course I have made financial provision for myself, am a home owner and have worked all my life. It would just be helpful and a relief to have a sum of money set aside for my kids.

OP posts:

TobyZiegler · 06/08/2014 10:31

But lemonade that is your responsibility... Not your fathers. You'll get whatever is left when he goes.

I'm really not sure in getting this at all. Being married makes things different in the eyes of the law. But you need a will expert to be sure.

Bearbehind · 06/08/2014 10:31

Have you read the will LL? Do you have a copy of it?

Do you know how much was bequeathed to you and are you sure the split between you and your DB was whilst your father was still alive? (It would be common practice to split it that way after both parents had died)

Did your mother have some kind of private income that couldn't possibly be classed as being anything to do with your father?

If it was just a case that she saved what they earned I don't think it was hers to give to you whilst your father is alive.

happyscouse · 06/08/2014 10:33

It is the executors duty to carry out the exact instructions of your mothers will. If they have not done this then they are at fault.

wouldlikeanother · 06/08/2014 10:36

LemonadeLady - you must get legal advice!

It does not matter how he's spending it, the fact is that half of the money from her account should have gone to your mother's children!

Act quickly before it is too late.

Original poster

LemonadeLady · 06/08/2014 10:39

And thanks echocave
Dad not being mum is the heart of the matter and will never be resolved.
Those who have yet to experience it would not be able to imagine the hole it leaves...

OP posts:

twinkletoedelephant · 06/08/2014 10:44

Same situation Dad is about to marry a woman mum died 2 years ago and spent Years designing her will so their children will allways have a home ( db has severe ld) and needs somewhere to 'come home to' I am aware that Dad has burned through all the savings has taken out several credit cards and bought expensive cars and lots of stuff they will also be selling family home and moving some distance away ( leaving me a dsis) to deal with our siblings needs)

If Dad dies first there will be nothing for us the new woman wants nothing to do with us and trys to prevent Dad seeing /talking to his children or grandchildren

It's sad to think New woman's family have and will benefit from my mum's life savings and all her hard work without ever having met her but there is nothing we can do about it - the cash money is now gone and I dread to think how much credit card debt they have run up.

twinkletoedelephant · 06/08/2014 10:45

If Dad dies first there will be nothing for us the new woman wants nothing to do with us and trys to prevent Dad seeing /talking to his children or grandchildren

wouldlikeanother · 06/08/2014 10:45

My Aunt passed away a few years ago, her husband "helped" her to sign a new Will on her death bed changing from leaving something to her daughters (not his children) to leaving them nothing and it all going to him.

He's a cunt and he's now enjoying spending my Aunt's hard saved money on holidays and fancy women. It's so unjust.

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