Feeling hurt about Dad's spending

[LemonadeLady]

My mother died a few years ago. She always saved money which she said was for the grandchildren, emergencies and holidays..

Because of the circumstances Dad took power of attorney before she died and all her money went into his account. It was a large sum.

I didn't expect anything after her death but the last few years have been a struggle financially with a young family. My brother is in negative equity and we were both hoping Dad would offer to help out with something for the grandchildren one day.

However it seems that he has spent most of the money... long holidays, a new car, treats to cheer himself up because he is bereaved and lonely. I can understand why he spends but he also has a huge pension and is basically blowing the lot.

I feel so hurt that he hasn't even considered helping us out. If the money was in mum's account when she died it would have been devided between us. She would be so upset about it. My brother & I are struggling to cover the basics while he is buying whatever he feels like.

It is also a reminder that without my mum in this world there is no-one to put me first.

Please tell me IABU.

I have experienced it Lemonade, so saying that is a cop out

I would never and have never expected a penny from my dad and nor do I begrudge him enjoying the autumn of his life

Do I think you saying dad not bring mum means your mum would go without and see your dad without to give to you for frivolous stuff for your kids, and your dad is a spender, a live for the here and now kind of person

I think you just have to agree to let this go, or alternatively you could ruin any relationship you do have with your father

You may think it's bad having no mum, just wait until you have no dad either

Then you may look at this differently

So*

YANBU whatsoever by being hurt over this. In your shoes I would be too. Sorry for the loss of your lovely Mother x

OP don't take any notice of anyone trying to use emotional blackmail on you.

Sorry OP this has nothing to do with your question...but I was really struck by "It is also a reminder that without my mum in this world there is no-one to put me first."

because this is exactly how I have been feeling since losing my Mum. My DF is about as far from yours on the financial front as it is possible to be but I still feel exactly this same thing. The same hole in your heart....

I sometimes struggle to remember any reason why I should bother carrying on now the only person who might care what I do with my life is gone.

Except I have a DD and a DH and a brother, a sister...friends...

I feel like I am losing my mind.

Best wishes to you OP!

I was my father's executor. And when he was very ill he gave me POA. I did not abuse the POA to transfer his money to my own account and do DB out of his share. I am shocked that anyone would do that.

Yes I think that will be the best course: asking what provision he has made to pass on the money which was stated in the Will. Perhaps ask the executors to help with that discussion.

Yes that's very sensible & I agree.

yanbu nor is your brother

I'm do sorry twinkletoed that must be awful.
One saving grace is that Dad and his new partner have decided not marry.

icebeing Yes I have also had very dark moments. It is getting easier with time and having the kids, DH & DB helps. I think of grief as being a sea... Sometimes the tide is a long way out it's almost impossible to see... Other times it's high tide in rough weather with waves crashing all about you. I am able to let it flow over and through me now.

iamusually I think you are being provocative but fair point about considering how I will feel when Dad is no longer here too. That is why I would never take legal action against him and find it hard to be angry at his thoughtlessness..

I'm glad you say that Lemonade, it's not you I don't understand, it's the usual mumsnet "burn the bast@rd" attitude to all men!!

I do understand it's hard to work out where you fit now your mum is gone, i wasn't trying to be provocative, it's just never going to be as simple as some posters would have it, it's fairly unequivocal stuff proposing legal action against your own father, the kind of stuff that you can't go back from, glad that you are seeing that

Ive really struggled with my D after my M passed away 12 years ago. I emphasise with that realisation that without your mother theres no one left who puts you first. I think for some of us we only really had one parent who actually parented (in the sense of having someone who thinks of you and your needs in this really innate way) If they die first its a bit like being orphaned. Not much point getting legal advice if you arent going to act on it, on the other hand legal advice might help you work out if its worth doing something or at least trying to.
I took the high road w my D, decided I wasnt going to wrangle and fight. most of the time thats fine. This week tho your post has opened up that old wound and here I am 12 years later upset and sad about my mothers things and her will.